She didn’t answer him; she gave him an arch glance instead as she packed away some threads and new needles, ticking them off her list.
‘What do you want from me?’ he asked, feeling injured.
‘Is that a genuine question?’ she commented, looking up from her list.
‘Of course it is.’
‘Because I’m not sure you want the honest answer.’ Lily’s hands were on her hips now, the list momentarily forgotten.
‘Don’t I?’
‘No. Because honesty would require you to confront who you are, Kilt Faris. I’ve been with you for a decade now. I’ve healed your aches and stitched your wounds, I’ve washed your clothes and cooked for you. I’ve been your loyal companion and I’ve made love to you throughout that time and never tired of you. I’ve—’
‘You’re a perfect woman, Lily.’ He cut across her words with a triumphant grin.
She looked sadly back at him. ‘Everything’s a jest to you, Kilt.’ She turned away. ‘Even us.’
‘That’s not true,’ he said, scrambling forward across the bed. ‘Don’t be like this, Lily. I really don’t know how to make you happy. Frankly, I didn’t know you were unhappy.’
‘I’m not,’ she said, returning to her packing.
‘You sound it.’
‘No, I’m disappointed, that’s all. I feel as though I’m always on the outside, Kilt. You only let me get so close and then you seem to draw curtains around yourself.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘You have secrets. They shut me out.’
‘Me?’ he asked, sounding astonished. ‘No! How can you accuse me of that after so long together?’
‘You’re lying. There’s something restless inside you that only you control, only you know about, only you glimpse. I can only get so far with you and it’s because of that invisible line you’ve drawn around yourself that I know you can never fully love me the way I want to be loved. You take me and my affections for granted, Kilt. And the saddest part is, I’m a little trapped by how much you all need me. I’m not being a martyr, I’m simply stating a fact.’
He stared at her, genuinely hurt. ‘How can you say that?’
She looked back at him, sad and resigned. ‘When did you last tell me you loved me?’
‘A moment ago, I think!’
‘Did you? Did you actually come in here with the full intention of looking into my eyes and telling me you love me? No. You came in here to enjoy some lovemaking. I don’t mean to complain, Kilt. But the fact is, you don’t show you love me, and never, not once have you ever uttered the words, I love you, Lily.’ She held up her hand. ‘I know what you’re going to say. The thing is you probably do love me in your own curious way. You are good to me and you keep me safe and you’ve been a strong figurehead for Leo. I’ve been a part of your life over these years, and that has been wonderful. But—’ She shrugged. ‘I don’t know what else to do for you. I share every ounce of myself physically and emotionally. You don’t or perhaps can’t reciprocate in the same manner.’
Kilt looked pained. He sighed. ‘But how do you know you love me? You’ve hardly lived, Lily. You could meet any handsome fellow tomorrow and fall head over heels.’
‘Don’t turn this on me. I’m not looking for anyone else and I’d love to know how you imagine someone handsome and available is going to stumble across me when I choose to spend my life in the forest with you. I only come into town twice an anni! Besides, we’re talking about you and how you treat me. And by the way, your suggestion is ridiculous.’
‘Don’t be angry,’ he said, reaching for her. ‘I’m so sorry, Lily. Truly, I am.’
She allowed him to draw her into his arms, relaxing into them, and he could tell she didn’t want to prolong this conversation. ‘I’m not angry.’ Her expression became more wistful. ‘I suppose I am as happy as you permit, Kilt.’ Her careful words were not lost on him.
‘How can I make this better between us?’
‘Let down your guard with me. I’m hardly a stranger and I would never do anything to hurt you or be disloyal to you.’ She stroked his hair, touching the first silvering at his temple. ‘Our relationship is a decade old, or do you forget?’
He shook his head and kissed her softly. ‘No, you’ve saved me a fortune in brothel fees.’
Lily’s eyes widened in horror and she mock-swiped at him. ‘That is really going to cost you, Master Faris!’
He laughed, inwardly sighing with relief that she was keen to lighten the moment. He hugged her more tightly, knowing something profound needed to be said now to secure her faith in him. ‘I’ll have to marry you soon, Lily.’
That caught her attention. She didn’t speak immediately, but stared at him silently, searching his eyes. ‘Do you mean that?’ she said, her eyes glistening, her voice soft, unsure.
‘I’ve never meant anything more deeply. We’re as good as husband and wife now. Let’s make it official as soon as we can.’
Lily embraced him tightly. ‘You don’t have to do this.’
He laughed, twirled her around. ‘This is going to make all the boys happy.’
‘Are you sure? Jewd won’t mind?’
He made a dismissive gesture.‘He told me only last moon that if I didn’t hurry up, he’d ask you and steal you from beneath my nose.’
She smiled. ‘Well, it’s tempting. I’m sure Jewd shares more with me than you ever could!’ She didn’t say it unkindly, though. Then she laughed. ‘And Leo? You think he’ll be happy?’
‘Don’t be vain. Leo got over you years ago.’
‘Says the great father figure!’
‘Well, in a way that’s been my role.’
‘You could have fooled me,’ she said but her voice was light.
Kilt frowned. ‘What makes you say that?’
She smiled, and again it was gentle. ‘Kilt,’ she began, her voice affectionate, ‘you have left all the rearing to myself and Jewd. I’ve played the maternal role and Jewd has been at his side in everything. I’m sure I’m not being unkind when I say that if you do see yourself as a father figure, then you’ve been the most remote father I can imagine. Surely you can’t deny that you keep him at arm’s length?’ She frowned. ‘I don’t mean that unkindly either, my love. I understand that being a kingmaker is hard enough without playing father to him. In fact, I’ve told Leo time and again that it’s not that you don’t like him, but that you have to keep a distance in order to keep what we’re trying to achieve in perspective. He knows that you will likely have to make hard decisions and they can’t be clouded by your affection for him.’
‘He thinks I don’t like him?’
‘He used to. But he’s older now.’ She shrugged. ‘He accepts that this is how you are with him.’
‘And how am I with him?’
She regarded him quizzically now. ‘Distant is how I’d describe it. I’ve watched you. You never sit near him. You certainly never touch him. You always cast off duties that might involve Leo to Jewd. You disappear for long periods when all of us are together. And it’s got worse, rather than better. You spent more time with him as a youngster but you seem to have pulled back as he’s grown and matured. Leo is perceptive, Kilt. Surely you can see how he might