Did I? At first we barely functioned. Mum didn’t leave her bed. Dad stumbled around trying to make sure we had what we needed, cooking and cleaning and shopping, trying to get Mum to eat. I lurched through the house, trying to care for a two-and-a-half-month-old baby. Mostly we were reactive, answering the police questions, giving them access to your things. But we got in touch with everyone we could think of, did the appeals.
I stuck pictures of your face to lampposts, between the posters of missing cats and dogs. One of them stayed up for a year, fading as rain and wind and snow hit it, flapping at a bottom corner where the tape came off, dissolving at the edges but miraculously holding on.
I tell Luke as much of this as I can, as gently as I can, but he shakes his head.
‘I need you to try again,’ he says. ‘I need you to. I need to know. Even if it’s the worst thing, I need to.’ His voice rises with each sentence.
I grab a bottle of water from my jacket pocket and pass it to him. He gulps down half.
‘Is this why you want me to get her things from Granny?’
‘Yes.’ He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. ‘You have to. Tell me you will. You have to look at everything.’
‘The police already did.’
‘No they didn’t. I hear much more than you think after I’ve gone to bed. I’ve heard all of you say how useless they are. Except Ted.’
I inhale slowly, then blow out air. ‘Okay.’
‘You’ll do it?’
I nod. ‘I will.’ My stomach drops as if I am running and an abyss has suddenly opened in front of me. Because there is something I can do that we haven’t tried before. I can request a visit with Jason Thorne. I reach for Luke’s hand. ‘But only on one condition.’
‘What?’
‘You will have to trust my judgement about what I can share with you.’
‘If you mean you might have to wait a little while, yeah. Like, until I’m a bit older. But you can’t not ever tell me.’
Thinking about Jason Thorne makes it hard to breathe. The possibility of Luke knowing about him makes it even harder. But I manage to keep the pictures out of my head.
‘I need to do what I think is best for you, Luke. It’s going to depend on what I find out. And you need to be prepared for the possibility that this might be nothing at all – that’s what’s most likely.’
‘I guess that’s the best agreement I can get.’
‘You guess right.’
His forehead creases. ‘There’s something else that bothers me,’ he says.
I am beginning to think I may actually be sick. ‘Tell me.’ I realise I’m holding my breath.
‘Granny says you didn’t do well enough on your exams because you didn’t go back to University afterwards.’
Afterwards. He never says ‘after Mummy disappeared’ or ‘after Mummy vanished’. There is before. There is after. The thing in between is too big for him to name.
But at least he isn’t worrying about Jason Thorne. This is easy, compared to that. ‘I did go back,’ I say. ‘But they made special arrangements for me to do it from a distance so I could help Granny and Grandpa take care of you.’
‘But Granny says you should have done better. She says you wanted to be a scientist, but I heard her telling Grandpa that Ted was distracting you even before you moved back home. It’s not really Ted’s fault, is it?’
‘It’s nobody’s fault, and I wanted to be a biology teacher, not a scientist. But I don’t any more. The charity work is important – it means so much to me.’ I smooth his hair again, silky like yours, silky like mine. This time, I am not ambushed by an image of Thorne grabbing you by it.
‘It was my fault,’ Luke says. ‘You wouldn’t have messed up your degree if it weren’t for me.’
‘Luke,’ I say. ‘Look at me.’ I tip up his face. ‘Being your aunt is the best thing that has ever happened to me. That is definitely your fault.’
‘And Mummy’s,’ he says.
‘Yes. And Mummy’s. I miss her so much and you are the only thing that makes it hurt less. Looking after you taught me more than those lecturers ever could. I wouldn’t have wanted to do anything else. It’s what I chose.’
His head whips round. ‘There’s that coughing noise again.’ We both listen. ‘And that’s a different sound. Like somebody tripped in the leaves.’
‘Probably someone on their morning walk. Someone clumsy with a cold.’
‘Should we look?’
‘They’ll be gone before we get there.’ I take his hand. ‘If it’s really a spy, he’s not very good, is he?’
‘Not as good as me. Plus he won’t know what he’s up against with you.’
‘Let’s go in. Granny promised to make pancakes for breakfast.’
‘I’d better tell Granny and Grandpa about what we heard.’
‘We can tell them together. And you know that if anybody comes near the house, one of the cameras will pick him up. I’ll check the footage before I leave. You don’t have to worry.’
He nods sagely. ‘Can you stay for the afternoon and take me to my karate lesson?’
‘I’d love to. I’ll have to rush off as soon as you finish though. I promised Sadie I’d go to her party.’
‘Is it her birthday?’
‘It’s to celebrate moving in with her new boyfriend.’
Luke wrinkles his nose. ‘Ted says Mummy never liked Sadie.’
She thinks everyone is out to get her – she’s the most bitter person ever born.
She talks behind everyone’s back and it’s just a matter of time before she turns on you.
She’s always telling herself she’s a victim but she’s actually the aggressor.
These were your favourite warnings to me about Sadie. You made your assessment when she was four and never saw any reason to change it.
My friendship with Sadie has certainly lasted beyond its natural life. I try to explain why. ‘I’ve known her since my first day at school.’
‘Like Ted.’
‘Yes. But she doesn’t have many friends. She gets mad at people and drives them away.’
‘So you feel sorry for her?’
‘Kind of. I guess I always have.’
‘What if she gets mad at you?’
‘It’s probably only a matter of time before she does. I’m too busy to see her much – I suppose that reduces the opportunities for her to find fault with me.’
‘Don’t go. Stay here with me and Granny and Grandpa.’
‘That is tempting. But she’s really nervous about the party. She has hardly anyone of her own to invite and she’s scared Brian will think that’s weird. It’ll be all his doctor friends.’
‘Fun,’ he says. ‘Not.’
‘Definitely not as fun as your karate lesson.’
‘They’ll let you watch me. I’m getting better. You’ll be proud.’
‘I’m already proud. Can I join in?’
He