The Missing. C.L. Taylor

was my fault. That bloody newspaper.’

      ‘I know.’ I reach across the kitchen table for her hands. ‘I’m so sorry. I should have come round earlier but it’s … it’s all been so … I feel like I’m going mad. That’s the only way I can explain it. I’m literally losing my mind.’

      ‘Of course you are, babe. Anyone in your situation would be. But I’ll tell you something for nothing – don’t you be going to any more places on your own. You need to let the police do their job. Anything could have happened to you in that squat. They could have robbed you or worse.’

      ‘They weren’t like that.’

      ‘And you know that for sure, do you? People turn, Claire. You need to be a bit less trusting.’

      ‘I’m not too trusting.’

      ‘You bloody are.’

      ‘But I need to find Billy. If Caleb went missing you’d do everything you could to get him back. I’ve waited six months for the police to find him but I can’t keep doing that. I need to find him. I can’t just sit at home doing nothing. But I’ve started to see him everywhere I go. Everywhere …’

      I snatch my hands back from Liz’s and rest my forehead on my curled fists, suddenly exhausted. I don’t know what to think any more. Or what to do. Each time I think I’m one step closer to finding Billy I get my hopes up. Only for them to come crashing back down again.

      ‘Deep breaths.’ I hear the squeak of Liz’s chair on the kitchen tiles and then her hand on my back. She rubs circles over my shoulders with the palms of her hands, just the way I’d do to the kids when they were little and upset. ‘Take deep breaths, Claire.’

      I close my eyes as she continues to rub my back but the darkness behind my eyelids is too dense, too deathless, and I open them again.

      ‘Maybe what you need,’ Liz says softly, ‘is a bit of normality. Let me finish,’ she adds quickly. ‘I know there’s no normal – I know life can’t be normal until you get Billy back – but what I mean is maybe you need a routine. You’ve got too much time on your hands, Claire. Too much time to think and brood. Have you thought about going back to work?’

      ‘Oh God, no.’

      ‘I thought Stephen was a good boss?’ Her voice softens as she says my brother-in-law’s name. I think she’s always had a bit of a soft spot for him, not that she’d ever admit it. ‘He let you take six months off after Billy disappeared. I’m sure he’d be glad to have you back.’

      ‘I know, but it’s complicated.’

      ‘How is it complicated? You loved your job at Wilkinson & Son. You were always telling me about the banter you had with the customers on the phone and how you and Stephen had a laugh.’

      ‘Loved is a bit strong and anyway, what about Mark?’

      ‘What about him? You went back to work after the argument, didn’t you? And he didn’t give you any grief.’

      Mark and his stepbrother Stephen fell out a year ago. It was my birthday and we were having Sunday lunch in a local pub when Billy and Jake came to blows in the garden. They never revealed what started it but there was a lot of name-calling and insults thrown about before Jake landed the first punch. Mark intervened, heavy-handedly, and Stephen made a comment about Mark’s parenting skills.

      He said it jokily but Mark bit back, asking what the fuck Stephen knew about bringing up children. It was a low blow. Stephen and his wife Caroline can’t have kids. They’ve tried everything, all the tests you can get. ‘Unknown fertility issues,’ the consultant said. Caroline got pregnant once, after ten years of trying, but she lost the baby in the second trimester. They never discovered why. She was broken by it and so was Stephen. I thought Mark was completely out of order for what he’d said to him and I let him know as much. I went back to Wilkinson & Son the next day, as though nothing had happened. Mark didn’t give me grief about it but I could tell by the offhand way he greeted me that evening that he was secretly smarting. Where was my loyalty? Why hadn’t I sided with him and told Stephen to stick his job? Because I was angry with him, that was why. Between him and the boys they’d completely ruined my birthday.

      Mark and Stephen haven’t spoken since their argument, other than a few brusque words during the search for Billy, but I know Mark misses his stepbrother. He’s just too proud to admit it.

      ‘And – don’t mind me saying this, Claire – but it’s not as though you couldn’t do with the money.’

      Liz is right, again. Every spare penny we’ve managed to save over the years has been spent on publicizing Billy’s disappearance. There’s nothing left. Mark suggested cancelling our Sky subscription and giving up a few other luxuries he thinks we could live without but why put everyone through that when I could go back to work for a bit? I could deal with a few hours a week, at least until Dr Evans gets back to me with the result of the blood test.

      ‘So?’ Liz stops rubbing my back and slaps me square between the shoulder blades. ‘Are you going to give it a go? Give Stephen a ring and arrange to go back to work. You only have to do a few hours, see how it feels.’

      I twist round in my chair and smile up at her. ‘And if I don’t?’

      She winks. ‘I’ll run you over and put you out of your misery myself.’