Only Fools and Horses. Richard Webber

Really? You’re not very tanned for Miami, are you?

      RODNEY: No, no, it was an indoor tournament.

      Did you know?

      Offers to turn Only Fools into a film and stage production have been made over the years.

      DEL: Yeah, yeah, it’s amazing that, innit. I mean they call it the Miami Open and then they go an’ hold it indoors. That’s the Yanks for yer though eh? Anyway, we can’t complain like because he won it, he did, he er, beat that Jimmy Connolly in the final.

      MICHELE: Jimmy Connelly? Don’t you mean Jimmy Connors?

      DEL: No, he knocked that didlio out in the first round, nine sets to one! Actually we’re only in London to get Hot Rod here measured up for a new bat.

      ‘TRES BIEN ENSEMBLE.’ (DEL)

      MICHELE: It’s a racquet!

      DEL: It is, the price they charge, darling.

      Memories …

      ‘When I began writing Only Fools I never had a system of working. I’ve had mobiles by the side of my bed, Dictaphones, but when the ideas happen, they just happen.

      ‘Initially, I wrote Fools straight on to an old-fashioned typewriter. Then, slowly, I turned to computers. But during the days of the typewriter, I’d sometimes work through the night re-typing.

      ‘I change my scripts and mess about with them so much before putting “first draft” on it. By then, I’ve actually changed it six or seven times. In these early stages, it’s like weaning a baby, but eventually I can get quite nasty with my script.

      ‘Once we’re in the editing suite, I don’t care about favourite lines. When I started, Dennis Main Wilson gave me the best advice: “Never fall in love with your lines.” He was right because that can cause you such pain.’

      JOHN SULLIVAN

‘THE SECOND TIME AROUND’

       Street traders Del and Rodney are using their sales patter, trying desperately to shift packs of hankies from a suitcase, surrounded by a crowd of women shoppers.

      DEL: Here we are, the finest French lace hankies – there you are, they’re a pleasure to have the flu with! Thanks, luv.

      RODNEY: Now, hurry up girls, get in while the going’s good. It’s one for the price of two. One for the price of two.

      DEL: Keep taking the money, Rodney, I’m gonna pop down the pub to get a lemonade for the old Hobsons.

      RODNEY: Get us a packet of pork scratchings would you?

      DEL: Pork scratchings. Sounds like a pig with fleas.

      RODNEY: Come on then, get in while the going’s good. We’re not here today gone tomorrow, we’re here today gone this afternoon, now come on.

       Rodney and Grandad aren’t happy when Del starts dating his scheming, money-grabbing ex-fiancée again, especially when they get engaged once more and she moves in.

      DEL: (Looking at Grandad) What’s up with you then, eh?

      GRANDAD: It’s her innit!

      DEL: What?

      GRANDAD: She’s hid my teeth!

      DEL: What? What you hidden his teeth for then, petal?

      PAULINE: Look you don’t know what it’s like in this place. You and Rodney are out at the auctions or the market. But I’m stuck here with him. He’s nibbling all day long. There’d be nothing left if I let him carry on! Don’t worry, he gets his teeth back at meal times.

       Rodney and Grandad, fed up with Del reigniting his flame for ex-fiancée Pauline, state they’re leaving and forming their own partnership. Unable to believe what he’s hearing, Del thinks Rodney is off his rocker.