“It just is,” she said. “Like I’ve said before, I’m figuring out a bunch of stuff. Each day, even over these past two weeks, I can feel myself changing. And you’re part of it. But none of it is real. It’s that discovery of a life I’d thought I’d lost. But I’m also trying to find a new path.”
When she gazed up at him, he could see a glimmer of uncertainty. Yet he saw hope and tenderness, too.
“And what I feel for you is strong. I meant it when I said I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about you.”
“Me, too. That’s why we can take this one moment at a time. Pretending we don’t want each other or that this is never going to happen again is ridiculous. And if I know one thing about us, it’s that we don’t make dumb decisions.”
“Speak for yourself,” she said with a grin. “I’m not sure about being a team. You and me. I’m so used to being on my own.”
“We wouldn’t be a team per se, we’d be dating. We’d be a sort of couple.”
“Sort of couple?” she asked. “How does that work?”
“However we want it to,” Carter said. He knew himself well enough to know that he didn’t do well with rules. He always wanted to break them. But with Lindsey he wanted to take things slow. No rushing in and just jumping. That was why he’d been careful about keeping his distance when he’d needed to and being himself around her.
“Okay, but just know that I might have to put distance between us. Skiing has always been my main focus, and I’m close to getting that back. I don’t know how to balance anything with skiing.”
He understood that. He’d known her for a long time, and she’d always been one of those people not distracted by the spectacle of international games or tempted to cavort with athletes from other countries. She’d gone to bed early, eaten well-balanced meals and skied.
That was it.
“I thought you wanted to maybe change that. Remember how you mentioned that your twenties were a blur?”
She nodded. “I do, Carter. But it has to be for me. If I figured out anything over the past year, it’s that trying things for other people doesn’t make me happy. And it’s also not real.” She blew out a breath. “I have to figure out skiing for myself, but I want you, too. I like this hot little thing we have and I don’t want to lose it. Can you be okay with that?”
No. Hell no. “Sure. Whatever you need. I’m not a serious kind of guy anyway.”
Liar.
He had turned into the biggest fraud...and why? She had just said she didn’t want anything serious. He knew this was karma. This was payback for all the times when he’d played fast and loose with a woman’s feelings. And it sucked.
He was tired of talking, and would love for just a few moments to hold her in his arms and pretend that the facts he knew weren’t real. Pretend that she was his and he could be with her all the time, not just in this unique little sliver of time when her guard was lowered and he was so desperate he’d say anything to keep her.
So he gave in to temptation.
He pulled her into his arms, tucked them under the covers, and she turned on her side to cuddle close to him. He stroked his hand over her hair as she rested her head over his heart and he felt the minute exhalation of her breath over his skin.
He knew this wasn’t real. That it was a chimera of the one thing he craved most in the world at this moment, but he didn’t give a damn.
She tipped her head and he looked into her sleepy brown eyes.
“I’ve missed you, too,” she whispered. Then she lifted her head, dropped a quick kiss on his chest and went to sleep.
He lay awake until dawn crept in with its pinky-pearl color. In a way he felt as though he had everything he wanted in his arms, but at the same time she felt farther away than ever.
* * *
CARTER ASKED HER to put on the mask and get into his SUV. Given that he liked to play little bedroom games, she wasn’t too sure what to expect.
“Are you going to ask me to take my clothes off?”
“Not yet,” he said with a chuckle.
She felt his hands on her waist, and then he leaned over her, pulling the seat belt into position around her. She heard the door close, but all of her senses were hyperalert. She felt the breeze wrap around her the moment he opened the driver’s door, heard the sound of the cloth of his jeans against the leather seats.
“No peeking,” he warned softly.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m kidnapping you.”
“Will there be a ransom note? My folks already think you are something of a bad boy.”
He laughed, and she was reminded of how much she liked the deep timbre of his voice.
“No note. This is just between you and me. I’m sure we can come up with something for you to do in order to achieve your freedom.”
“I’m not sure where you are going with this, Shaw, but I’m game,” she said. And she was. She’d checked her inhibitions at the door when, almost a week and a half ago, she’d gone with Carter back to his place from the bar. Ever since then, they’d played sexy games with each other, trained with their teams for the big charity event kickoff and pretty much lived in limbo the way she had been for the better part of the past year.
The only difference was that Carter was with her now.
He put the SUV in gear, and at first she tried to keep up with the turns he made but soon realized she didn’t know Park City or its surrounding area as well as she thought she did. He had some blues music playing on the radio, and the heat was cranked up, so she wasn’t cold.
“Can I get a hint about this place?”
“You’re going to be cold at first, but then you’ll warm up and be hot and wet,” he said in a deep, husky voice.
The images that came into her head were of the two of them kissing and making out in the little clearing where he’d taken her on New Year’s Day. She still remembered that kiss in the snow and how it had changed everything for her.
“I get the cold, but hot and wet? Give me another hint.”
“It’ll feel like the Caribbean,” he said. “But we’re not flying anywhere.”
He really wasn’t helping her to figure out where they were going. “I guess I’ll have to wait and see. What will we be doing there?”
“Something daring from your resolutions list,” he teased.
“I hope it’s not a cheese tasting,” she said, wrinkling her nose. “I told you I’d start eating cheese when I’m ready.”
He laughed. “No, not at all. That’s one thing I’m happy to let you explore on your own.”
Not cheese. She had put “try something new” on her list, but she had no idea what it would be. She racked her brain, thinking hard...then inspiration struck. It was something Elizabeth had mentioned just the other day. So why not borrow a page from her book?
“Carter, have you ever heard of picking a word for the year?” she asked. “Kind of a resolution, but more an attitude thing.”
“I haven’t, but it sounds intriguing,” Carter said. “What word would you pick?”
“Something about returning to myself. But that sounds lame-o, doesn’t it? Something better—maybe rejuvenate? Great, now I sound like a spa. What about you?” she asked. Surely he’d have an idea of something that might help her come up with