She scrunched up her nose as she thought about it. “Just a few things I’ve picked up casually over the years.”
“You should know more.”
She looked at him and made a face. “How much do you know?”
“I don’t know as much as I should, either. I should have learned more.”
“So we’re both babes in the woods, so to speak.”
He nodded, though there was obviously a vast gulf between what he knew and what she did. “Why weren’t you more curious?”
She didn’t answer that one, but she had something else on her mind.
“You were adopted just like I was,” she noted. “Didn’t you ever feel like you had to…I don’t know. To prove to your parents that they should be glad to have picked you?”
He stared at her. “Never,” he said.
She shrugged. “Well, I did. I was always trying so hard to make them proud of me.”
He could see that. He could picture her as a little girl in her starched dresses with patent leather mary janes on her little feet.
Cici had finally fallen asleep and he laid her down in her little car seat bed before he turned toward Ayme again.
“And were they?” he asked softly, his gaze taking in every detail of her pretty face. “Proud of you, I mean.”
“Oh, yes. I was the perfect child. I made straight As and won awards and swam on the swim team and got scholarships. I…I think I did everything I possibly could.” A picture swam into her head. She’d entered the school district Scholars’ Challenge, even though she was the youngest competitor and she was sure she had no chance. Jerry, a boy that she liked, had tried out and hadn’t made it. He mocked her, teased her, made her miserable for days, saying she’d only made it on a fluke, that she was going to be the laughing stock of the school.
By the time the night of the competition rolled around, she didn’t like him much anymore, but he had succeeded in destroying her confidence. She went on stage shaking, her knees knocking together, and at first, she didn’t think she could hear the questions. She panicked. Jerry was right. She wasn’t good enough. She looked to the side of the stage, ready to make a run for it.
Then she looked out into the crowd. There was her mother, looking so sweet, and her father, holding a sign that said Ayme Rocks. They were clapping and laughing and throwing kisses her way. They believed in her. There was a lump in her throat, but she turned and suddenly she knew the answer to the question, even though she thought she hadn’t heard it right. She was awarded ten points. She wasn’t going to run after all. A feeling of great calm came over her. She would do this for her parents.
She won the trophy for her school. Her parents were on either side of her as they came up the walk at home. Suddenly, her mother stepped ahead. She threw open the doors to the house, and there inside were friends and neighbors tooting horns and throwing confetti—a surprise celebration of her win. It was only later that she realized the celebration had been planned before her parents knew she would win. They were going to celebrate her anyway.
Thinking of that night now, tears rose and filled her eyes and she bit her lip, forcing them back.
“I think I made them very happy. Didn’t I?”
Her eyes were brimming as she looked up into his face as though trying to find affirmation in his eyes.
He couldn’t answer that for her, but he took her hands in his and held them while he looked down at her and wished he knew what to say to help her find comfort.
She took in a shuddering breath, then said forcefully, holding his hands very tightly, “Yes. I know I did.” She closed her eyes, made a small hiccupping sound and started to cry.
He pulled her into his arms, holding her, rocking her, murmuring sweet comforting things that didn’t really have any meaning. She calmed herself quickly and began to pull back away from him as though she were embarrassed. He let her go reluctantly. She felt very good in his arms.
“Sorry,” she murmured, half smiling through her tears. “I don’t know what made me fall apart like that. It’s not like me to do that.”
“You’re tired,” he said, and she nodded.
He waited, giving her time, wondering when she was going to tell him her parents had died in the accident, but she calmed down and began to talk about a dog she had found when she was young.
“And what about Sam?” he asked at last, to get her back on track.
Now that she had unburdened herself this far, he felt as though she might as well get as much out in the open as she could bear. A catharsis of sorts.
And she seemed to want to talk right now. There was a little couch in the room and they sat down side by side and she went on.
“See, that’s the flip side of it,” she said. “The dark side, I guess. The better I did, the worse Sam seemed to do.” She tried to smile but her face didn’t seem to be working right at the moment. “The more I seemed to shine, the more Sam rejected that path. She became the rebel, the one who didn’t succeed, on purpose. She got tattoos against our father’s orders and got her nose pierced and ran around with losers.”
“That sounds pretty typical. I’ve seen it before.”
“I guess so.” She shrugged. “Funny, but I can see it so much more clearly now than I ever did then. I knew she resented me.” She looked up quickly and managed half a smile. “Don’t get me wrong. We shared a lot of good times, too. But the undercurrent was always resentment. I used to think if she would just try a little harder…But of course, she felt like I’d already taken all the love slots in the family. There was no room for her to be a success. I’d already filled that role. She had to find something else to be.”
“That must have been hard on your parents.”
“Oh, yes. But in some ways, they didn’t help matters. They weren’t shy about telling Sam what they thought of her.”
“And comparing her to you?”
“Yes, unfortunately. Which didn’t help our relationship as you can imagine.”
“Of course.”
“So Sam left home as soon as she could. By the time she showed up with Cici, she’d been mostly gone for years, off with some boyfriend or another and only coming back when she needed something. She broke our parents hearts time and time again. And then, suddenly, there she was with a baby in her arms. Of course, part of us was thrilled. A new member of the family. But at the same time, my parents were horrified. Where was Cici’s father? Had there been a wedding? I’m sure you can guess the answer to that one.”
“I think I can.”
“She was penitent at first. I think she’d been under a lot of stress trying to deal with a baby on her own. But once she got some good sleep and some good food, she quickly became defiant again. And when Mom tried to get her to make some realistic plans she had a tantrum.”
“That was helpful.”
“Yes. It was later that night that she told me who Cici’s father was. She came to my room to ask me to take care of Cici. She claimed she’d tried motherhood and it didn’t agree with her. So she was taking off.”
“Just like that.”
“Just like that.”
“What did you say?”
She turned to him. “What do you think I said? I got hysterical.” She threw up her hands. “I couldn’t take her baby. I…I refused and I yelled a lot. I told her either our parents would have to raise her…or we’d have to put her up for adoption.”
“Ouch.”
“Oh,