He turned back to face me, eyebrows raised.
‘I know I’ve said it maybe a hundred times already, but I really appreciate you taking me in.’
‘It’s alright. I’ve been there,’ he said and then pressed his lips together tight, unwilling to say any another word even though there had to be more to that story.
‘Well, I’m grateful. I just want you to know that.’ And with those words I pushed up on my tiptoes, which lent me just enough height to peck him on the cheek. Though I couldn’t see his expression, I heard his breathing get heavier. It was a sound that gave me more pleasure than I would’ve imagined; I let my breathing deepen so it could keep time with his.
The right thing was to withdraw then.
That was proper.
But temptation held me in position, with my lips still close to his cheek, and I wasn’t the only statue. We were both frozen in the moment. Our chests the only things moving, closer, puffing out with every intake of breath, and then shrinking away again as we exhaled together. Slowly, so slowly, I dropped to the balls of my feet and moved my lips an inch down Jimmy’s cheek, an inch closer to his mouth. I kissed again. His face was smooth and freshly shaven. Jimmy began to turn his head towards me while Tommy Moeller sang about lovers embracing in the purple shadows of some perfect evening. Our mouths were aligned then, though not touching. His breath warmed my lips. I could smell the mint from his toothpaste. He didn’t advance but he didn’t pull away either.
The last few days had been so scary, so lonely, what harm could it do? Just for a minute to feel the warmth of someone else. It was only a kiss, after all.
Just a kiss…
Looking up into his eyes, I leaned forward and touched my lips against his. At first, he was hesitant but after a moment his mouth dropped open just that bit wider and my mouth copied. I pushed harder against him and he gasped, possibly in realisation that this moment was actually happening. No longer content with standing still, he traced his fingertips up my neck, pushing back against the force of my kiss. His lips were firm but also had a softness to them that made the contact much more dizzying than I’d expected. A low moan escaped my lips as his grip tightened around the back of my neck and, to my surprise, Jimmy moaned into my mouth in return. The bass vibration of it seemed to pulse right through me, shaking me to my core. My heart thundered in my chest with the need to be closer to him and he, it seemed, had the same idea.
Locking his arms around me tight, he pulled me into his body. I weaved my arms under his so I could press my hands flat against his back and cling on to his shoulder blades to keep myself steady. Our tongues brushed up against one another, triggering a heat inside I couldn’t control and didn’t want to. Jimmy held me even tighter, but somehow still not quite close enough. Our mouths crushed hard together and I sighed in relief at being touched with that much urgency. At feeling strangely lost and found all in the same moment.
The record came to an end. The needle started scratching. Our lips parted and I took the opportunity to catch my breath. For a moment Jimmy’s face held on to the dreaminess that’d washed over it, but in the next instant all that disintegrated.
He frowned and dropped his arms to his sides.
‘Why’d you do that?’ Jimmy’s eyes had narrowed so much they didn’t look like the ones that had stared into mine just minutes ago.
‘I’m… I’m sorry I just…’
I wanted to. I should just go ahead and tell him. Admit that I’ve been so lonely I’ve been praying for a stranger to kiss me, just so I might feel wanted. Or so I could tell myself that somebody might miss me if I weren’t around. Maybe I should even confess the worst truth, since he’d asked. That I’d got to the point that I didn’t even care who it was, so long as they had nice hair and straight teeth.
‘You know, I don’t need your pity,’ Jimmy said out of nowhere, tearing me out of my thoughts.
‘Who mentioned pity?’ I shook my head. ‘You’re the one who took pity on me and gave me somewhere to stay. I’m the pitied one. Not the person dishing it out.’ I crossed my arms. ‘Anyway, that’s not my style. I haven’t kissed a boy outta pity since 1984.’
Jimmy didn’t laugh as I hoped he might. He didn’t even smirk.
An emptiness began to fill my stomach. God damn it, Bonnie, always doing the stupid thing. I had to do something to diffuse this situation quick; getting turfed out was not an option.
‘I’m sorry if I offended you. Don’t mind what I do. I do dumb things sometimes. I meant no harm. I’ll just go to sleep and I’ll be gone in the morning. I promise.’ My eyes had widened at the thought of losing my bed for what remained of the night over yet another dumbass decision. If there were two choices in any given situation, I’d choose the wrong one. Guaranteed.
I swung round to the record player and hurried to put the record back in its sleeve. Turning off the music system, I scuttled over to my suitcase to stow my record back where it belonged. If I got under the sheets on the sofa quick enough he’d probably think it was more trouble than it was worth trying to get me to leave. There really wasn’t much of the night left anyway. Technically, it was morning, but I’d still rather wait till the sun was up before venturing back out there again. An hour out in the cold at this time of year could feel like a month.
When I turned to head back to the sofa, Jimmy was standing in front of me. He didn’t look me in the eye. He seemed to be fascinated by my toes, the nails painted black to match my fingernails.
God damn it, he was going to tell me to leave. I could see it in his face – he was trying to find the words.
‘Night then,’ I said, a little too loud, before sidestepping round him and piling myself back on the sofa, pulling up the sheets and snuggling my head into his spare pillow. It was lumpy, but who cared? It was a bed for the night. ‘Oh, could you turn out the lamp?’ I scrunched my eyes shut. I was practically asleep. It’d be downright rude to try and move somebody once their eyes were closed. I was pretty sure this was a universal, unwritten law – and if it wasn’t, it should be.
‘Alright. Goodnight, Blue,’ said Jimmy, hushed and subdued.
‘Goodnight,’ I said. Even with my eyes closed, I sensed the room darken. The light thud of Jimmy’s footsteps sounded out, fading as they neared his bedroom, followed by the excitable scamper of Louie’s paws.
After that, silence.
I thought about getting up again – pulling aside the drapes, and looking down into the street to see if they had caught up with me – but exhaustion was taking hold and I’m sure I would’ve noticed if someone had followed me to Jimmy’s.
No. They still hadn’t caught up with me.
Yet.
I’d live to fight another day, whatever that was worth.
The next evening I stood outside the Starlight Diner, looking in. Watching Esther Knight through the glass frontage, and plucking up the courage to open the door. She looked just the same as she had back in Atlantic City. Her long blonde hair trailed down her back and she was wearing thick, black-rimmed glasses, but they took nothing away from those polar blue eyes of hers that’d so often narrowed in my direction back when we worked at the Crystal Coast Casino. Esther took herself so seriously; I was never able to resist teasing her. On the whole she took it well enough, but if she squinted at me that was a warning sign not to push the joke any further.
Judging by Esther’s lack of uniform, and the fact that she was ignoring the customers sitting at the booths and tables behind her, she wasn’t on shift. She was instead sitting at the counter, wearing a pair of acid-wash jeans and a blue checked shirt that looked about five sizes