Although it was a secret he kept hidden, the truth was that he had wasted too much of his life in love with Emma. He refused to allow this trip to dredge up feelings he had purposely tossed overboard years ago.
Her entreaty from this morning echoed in his head, making him feel like a jerk all over again.
He was here and Steve was gone. How was it his brother managed to shadow his life, even after death?
And why couldn’t she let it go? RangePro. Like he needed another guilt trip. The irony burned and had dogged him every single day since the car accident that claimed his half brother’s life.
The whys were doubling up on him.
Why was he still alive? Why had he made it out of Afghanistan and why hadn’t his best friend?
God hadn’t been forthcoming in the answer department of late.
Zach looked up at the jingle of tack and met Travis’s smiling face as his friend approached on a black mustang.
“How do you like Zeus?” Travis asked.
“A little headstrong. So we’re well matched.”
Travis laughed. “Our equine manager, Tripp Walker, is pretty intuitive. He paired you up with a horse that suits your disposition.”
“Quiet guy, that Tripp.”
“To say the least.”
“If you’re the boss around here, why are you working on a Sunday?” Zach asked.
“I could give you a dozen reasons.” He began to tick off on his fingers. “Getting married and going on a honeymoon put me behind on everything, for one. Then there’s fall calving season. Oh, and preparation for the Holiday Roundup. That’s gearing up here real quick, too.” Travis shook his head. “I start my days behind.”
“Holiday Roundup?” Zach asked.
“Christmas, pal. Huge around here.”
“Today is the fifth of November. Thanksgiving is two and a half weeks away and Christmas is a long way off.”
“Not when you’re planning Christmas for every child who has made their home at Big Heart Ranch. These are abused, neglected and abandoned children. Many don’t know what a real Christmas is. And I don’t mean gift giving. The true meaning of the season.”
“Who does the regular ranch chores while you’re busy making all these Christmas memories?” He knew his voice sounded cynical, but his interest in Christmas was right up there with his interest in RangePro.
Travis nodded. “Nothing changes. We add the Holiday Roundup to our regular workload. Emma spearheads the entire project.”
“Emma? Aren’t her hands full enough?”
“Both of my sisters are without boundaries when it comes to the kids and Christmas.”
Christmas. Zach squirmed. The holidays were nothing but a brutal reminder of the emptiness in his life. It had been that way since he was a kid. Pulled away from his father and half brother by a spiteful mother so he could spend Christmas all by himself. Yeah, one thing he didn’t need was another reminder of the past.
“So, how many head do you have?” Zach asked, changing the subject.
“Up to one hundred now.” Travis released a sigh. “And then there’s the bison.”
“You have bison? No kidding?”
“Definitely not kidding.” Travis raised a hand and grimaced. “It’s a long story. AJ is crazy about those shaggy beasts, and sometimes you do things you told yourself you’d never do all in the name of love.”
Zach stared at him. “Did you ever think back when we rode on my father’s ranch that one day you’d be telling me you were doing anything in the name of love?”
“I didn’t know half as much as I thought I did in those days.”
“How exactly did the cowboy who swore off love fall in love?” Zach asked.
“Not a clue. I sure wasn’t looking.” Travis offered a goofy grin.
Zach contemplated his friend’s words for a moment and hesitantly asked the question pulling at him. “How’d you know?”
“Know what?”
“That she was the one?”
“The real question is how did I not know.” He looked across the pasture to where AJ rode her horse checking cattle. As if sensing she was the topic of their conversation, his wife turned their way and raised a hand in greeting. In that moment, love shone in Travis’s eyes pure and true.
Zach ached for what his friend had found. What would it be like to have his love returned unconditionally? To find a partner to face life with? He couldn’t even imagine.
“You’ve got it real bad,” Zach murmured.
“Terminal, I hope.”
Zach chuckled.
“Quit your laughing. You might be next, so you better be careful.”
He gave a slow nod. “At all times.”
When Travis nudged his horse forward to inspect a group of heifers, Zach followed. Several had reclined in the pale brown grass and barely glanced up. “These mommas are ready for the whole pregnancy gig to be over,” he observed.
“Yeah. Got a bent tail here,” Travis said. “That cow is going to calve soon. We’ll keep an eye on her.”
Zach nodded.
“In a perfect world they’d all deliver in twenty-four hours and we’d be done counting calves before lunch tomorrow,” Travis said.
“Good to have dreams, because my guess is that in the real world they’ll be staggering delivery for the next two weeks and totally messing with your plans.”
“You’re right on.” He turned in the saddle to face Zach. “Do you miss this?”
“When I’m praying to God that I’ll make it out of a mission alive, yeah, I do.”
It was more than that. More than he could ever admit aloud. He missed those summers on his father’s ranch when he could pretend he had a normal family, instead of one where he was a bungee cord between divorced parents.
Zach leaned back in the saddle and inhaled the clean earthy fragrance of red dirt and golden autumn pasture grass. Seemed like he couldn’t get enough. “In truth, I miss quite a lot about ranch life.”
“You’ve got two months until you start the new job. What are you going to do until then?” Travis asked.
“No clue.”
“Are you staying with your father?”
“My father has leased out the Pawhuska ranch. He’s retired and is now circling the globe with my stepmother. Sort of a celebration because her cancer is in remission.”
“I knew they were traveling on and off, but hadn’t heard he’d leased. Any thoughts of taking over?”
“Never. Too many memories.”
“I hear you.” Travis frowned. “So where are you staying?”
“A bed-and-breakfast in Timber.”
“That’s no good. We have plenty of room in the bunkhouse. Why not stay with us until January?”
“Here?” Zach drew back slightly at the generosity of the unexpected gesture. “That’s not a sympathy offer, is it?”
“No