“Sorry,” Michael mumbled.
Everyone was looking at them. All she wanted to do was get out.
“That’s fine, Michael. I know you didn’t mean it.” She struggled to smile at the child. After all, he was just behaving like a normal, hearing five-year-old.
She stood, holding Mandy in her arms, arranging a smile on her face for Siobhan. “Mandy’s getting tired. I think it’s time we headed for home. Thank you so much for dinner.”
Siobhan was wise enough not to argue, but Laura could read the regret in her eyes. She gave Laura a quick hug and stroked Mandy’s curls. “It was lovely to have you here. Come again soon.”
She nodded, her smile stiff. No, they wouldn’t come again. All the Flanagans meant well, but Mandy needed a less chaotic environment than the one they provided.
Ryan reached her and lifted Mandy from her arms before she realized what he was doing. “I’ll walk you out.”
“I’ll take her.” They’d had this conversation before, hadn’t they? Ryan hadn’t listened to her then.
“Mandy’s fine with me, aren’t you, little girl?” He stroked Mandy’s hair with a gentle touch.
She hated to admit it, but he was right. Mandy snuggled against him, her face tucked into his strong shoulder. For some reason that was obscure to Laura, Mandy trusted him.
She said her goodbyes quickly, trying to evade repeated invitations and offers of help from each of the Flanagans. It seemed the goodbyes would never end, but finally she escaped out the front door with Ryan carrying Mandy.
She paused for an instant on the porch, inhaling the cool spring air and absorbing the quiet.
“Okay?” Ryan gave her a quizzical look.
She could hardly tell him that his family exhausted her. “Fine.” She gave him a meaningless smile and walked quickly to the steps, eager to put this evening behind her.
They went down the steps in silence, the warm spring night closing around them. The porch light cast a yellow glow on the walk, fading as they neared the car.
She swung the rear door open, struggling to find something polite and dismissive to say to Ryan.
“She is tired, isn’t she?” Ryan lowered Mandy to her booster seat and fastened the seatbelt carefully. He picked up the teddy bear. It looked tiny in his big hands as he tucked it against Mandy. “She’s almost asleep already,” he said softly.
Guilt flickered. “I shouldn’t have stayed so long. This was too much excitement for her.”
Ryan straightened, planting one hand against the car roof and looking at her questioningly. “Hey, I know we’re a noisy bunch, but we’re not that bad, are we?”
“I didn’t mean it that way.” She could feel the heat in her cheeks. She hadn’t intended her words as an insult. He should realize that.
“It looked to me as if Mandy had a good time. Sure you’re not overreacting a little?”
She stiffened. “If you’re saying I’m overprotective of my daughter—”
“Hey, relax. I wasn’t criticizing.” He glanced at Mandy, asleep now with the bear cuddled against her chin, safe in the cocoon of her car seat. “I’d probably feel exactly the same if I were Mandy’s parent.”
Her flicker of anger died. “Maybe I am a little too protective.” The fact that he’d agreed with her made it easier to admit. “I just—well, I know I’m all Mandy has, so I have to do it right. I guess I still haven’t figured out how to let her learn without getting hurt.”
“Maybe that’s impossible.” He leaned toward her a little, and she caught the fresh scent of soap on his skin, mingled with the heady aroma of lilacs from the huge old bushes that flanked the driveway. “I don’t know how my folks managed with the five of us, and then taking in my cousin Brendan, too. We were always getting hurt.”
“Your parents had each other to rely on.” Her thoughts flickered to Jason. She’d learned the hard way not to rely on him.
“Even with a ton of family around willing to give you free advice, it’s not always easy to know what to do.”
His serious expression startled her. She wasn’t used to seeing somber reflection from Ryan, and she’d guess most other people weren’t, either. He was always so laughing and relaxed that it was hard to remember that he probably had his dark moments, too.
“Have they been giving you advice about something?”
Somehow the dusk and quiet of the warm summer evening made it easier to ask the personal question. It was as if, for the moment at least, they were enclosed together, separate from the happy, noisy family group she knew was behind the wide windows.
He shook his head. “Actually, this time I haven’t let them in on it. Sometimes other people’s expectations get in the way of knowing what’s best for you.”
“Is it something you want to talk about?”
“Are you offering to listen?” He leaned a little closer, until she could almost feel his breath against her face.
Her heart lurched. It took an effort to speak evenly.
“After everything you’ve done for us, listening is a small repayment.”
“No repayment needed. But actually, I’m thinking of making a career change.”
That startled her. “Leave the fire department?” She’d imagine that would create a stir in the Flanagan family. They’d all seemed so proud of their position. Even Brendan, the minister, was the fire department chaplain, he’d told her.
“Not leave entirely, no. I’ve applied for a position with the arson squad. It’s run by the fire department here in Suffolk, rather than the police like it is some places, but it’s a separate branch.”
“Is that really such a change? You’d still be a firefighter in a way, wouldn’t you?”
“You heard my dad. He’s so proud that Seth and Terry and I are in his old squad.” He frowned, his dark brows creating a V. “He had a hard time adjusting when Gabe got hurt and couldn’t fight fire anymore, and then his heart attack took him off the line.”
“You don’t want to disappoint him.” She understood, only too well, and was surprised at the similarity to her own life. She’d gladly have gone into the construction business with her father, but her mother wouldn’t hear of it. “He’d want you to do what was right for you, wouldn’t he?”
Ryan’s smile flickered. “He thinks he already knows what that is.”
“And you’re not so sure anymore.”
“I never considered any other line of work.” He shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m looking for a different challenge. Or maybe I’m just trying to get out from under my big brothers’ shadows.”
She didn’t know what to say. She’d always thought Ryan Flanagan one of those lucky beings who are born confident, laughing and sure of himself. Now it looked as if he had doubts, too.
She felt for him—a sudden empathy that startled and disturbed her. She didn’t want to feel for anyone but her daughter. She had far too much responsibility in her life right now to leave room for anything else.
Luckily he didn’t seem to expect an answer from her. He touched her arm lightly, and she felt the warmth of that touch right through the fabric of her sweater.
“Hey, I’ll work it out. But thanks for listening. I’ll be glad to return the favor, any time.”
She managed to smile, to nod. Ryan meant well, but she didn’t have any intention of sharing her inner thoughts with anyone,