It still bothered her that she’d failed at marriage. She’d run from the vulnerability needed to maintain intimacy in the middle of everything life threw at her—her job, Drew’s job, the long deployments.
Couples drifted apart all the time.
But the drift wasn’t what had brought the final blow to her marriage.
The death knell to theirs hadn’t been finding Lizzie with Drew that awful night. Gwen believed Drew—nothing had happened between him and Lizzie. Not then, anyhow. What had cut deep was the realization that they didn’t have a relationship anymore. She didn’t have a husband, she had a housemate.
“All ancient history,” she grumbled to her empty room.
Just great. She’d been back only a few days and she was already talking to herself. Maybe the months in survival mode had forever changed her.
* * *
“WHICH VILLAGE WAS it, Gwen?” Navy Captain and Wing Commodore Buzz Perry, her boss on Whidbey, sat in front of her. He was the last one to question her. Yet because he was her boss, the closest in her chain of command, he thought he’d be able to ferret out what the past five days of interrogation hadn’t.
“I don’t know the name. I don’t speak Tagalog, Commodore. I told you what I’ve told everyone else. Pax was the only survivor.” Tears scalded her eyes at the mere mention of the baby she’d saved. The child she now considered her own. “No offense, sir, but I’m talked out. The sooner I get back to Whidbey, the sooner I can report to the squadron.”
Gwen refused to tell the commodore that she was afraid she’d never feel strong enough to go back to her job. She hoped it was her weakness from lack of decent nutrition and the overwhelming stress she’d dealt with for too long.
A vulnerability that would heal with time.
She’d survived the debriefings she’d been through with the State Department, Department of Defense, Department of the Navy, and now her boss, the wing commodore. He’d been flown down from Oak Harbor on the base C-2 airplane to meet with her before he escorted her back to Whidbey Island.
“We’re here to help you, Gwen. We’ll help you adopt the baby you rescued, if that’s what you want. But you have to see the difficult position you’ve put the government in. We want to reward you for all you’ve sacrificed but you seem to feel that nothing less than this baby will be enough. It’s not so simple, Gwen. The needs of the navy and the country, not to mention diplomatic relations, have to come before any personal issues.”
The commodore’s eyes were steady but she knew the deal. His chain of command had put him up to this. The highest levels of government wanted to get as much information from her as possible.
Fresh intel was always a hot commodity.
She fought to keep still.
“The difficulty I’ve caused? What about the difficulty of flying a forty-year-old aircraft that wasn’t fit for fair weather, let alone outmaneuvering a surface-to-air-missile during monsoon season? What about how I escaped from a terrorist training camp? What about the difficulty that serving my country has caused me?”
The commodore stretched his arms across the worktable in the psychiatrist’s office and placed his hands over Gwen’s.
“I’m not the enemy, Gwen. Neither are any of the doctors or officials who’ve questioned you this past week.”
She sighed. Her body ached to lie down; she wanted to sleep for hours, days. Pax hadn’t been the only weight she’d carried through mile after mile of jungle. She needed a safe place to shelve her emotions before they got the better of her.
“Then stop acting like one.” She clasped her hands and stared at the floor.
Buzz shifted in his seat. This wasn’t easy on him, either, but she didn’t have the energy to muster any compassion.
“Gwen, if I could’ve changed anything, I would have. That airframe would’ve been recalled before you left on deployment, and you would have had one of the new P-8s. Our funding’s been shortchanged by my predecessor’s actions.”
Commodore Perry referred to the criminal deeds of the previous commodore, who’d falsfied the aircraft maintenance books. He was now doing jail time in Fort Leavenworth military prison. As a result, it was taking longer for the newer airframes to come on line in the wing and her squadrons. The plane Gwen had ditched in the Pacific Ocean hadn’t been up to the rigors of a deployment, much less being shot at by a modern missile. The crew would’ve had much more of a chance in one of the new P-8s. The former commodore’s crimes also included murder, but his punishment hadn’t helped the crews flying the aging planes.
He’d indirectly put aircrews like Gwen’s in danger.
“The old frame was part of the problem, but we both know a surface-to-air missile brought her down, the same as it would have a brand-new P-8.” Not to mention the fact that the plane had checked out okay before deployment.
Fatigue blew out her anger.
“Face it, Commodore, it goes back to pilot error, doesn’t it? I should have abandoned the mission earlier.” Five minutes would have saved the navy an old plane, protected her crew from trauma and avoided her jungle adventure.
“Gwen, you brought her down safely. You saved every life on that bird. The intel your mission captured prevented what would’ve been a massacre of tens of thousands of people in a sports stadium two weeks later. To top it off, you rescued a newborn from a burned-out village. You’re a hero to me, to the whole damned country, Gwen. But it would help everyone if you could remember more details about your captors. We want to prevent future terrorist attacks.”
“Don’t you think it would help me to remember, too? Then our interview would be over. I’m lucky I made it ashore, Commodore. I was so afraid of the sharks in that warm water. The prison camp wasn’t fun, either.” She leaned her head back. The soft leather of the office chair was like cashmere compared to the old material that covered the P-3’s she was used to.
Would her arms always feel this empty without Pax in them?
As long as her baby remained eleven thousand miles away in the Philippines, yes. There was a possibility she might never see him again—slight but a possibility nonetheless. Still, her heart would never let go of him, of his smile, the way he clung to her through their struggles. If that happened, she’d have to accept it, as she’d had to accept her failed marriage.
Drew.
Friends. We’re friends with a unique history together.
* * *
GWEN DRESSED WITH care in the outfit Ro had sent her—dressy black jeans and a soft flowing grey cardigan. Her cream-colored Italian wool coat set off the ensemble. Leave it to Ro to understand that she needed to feel pretty again, more like the woman she’d been when she left Whidbey.
This wasn’t a usual homecoming. No navy band would play upon her arrival; she wouldn’t be dressed in her uniform or flight suit. The squadron, at her request, wouldn’t be there. She wasn’t up to it yet.
As she shakily applied the makeup Ro had included with the clothes, she ignored how pale her reflection in the mirror was, how chapped her skin, her lips. Whidbey was the best place for a sailor to do reentry. She wouldn’t be alone in her struggles, if and when they came. Other survivors were doing just fine, whether they were still on active duty like her or had transitioned to civilian life.
A lot of the vets weren’t fine—they continued to suffer immeasurably. Would she be one of them?
It felt odd to put on makeup again. What would Drew think when he saw her?