She swung her legs over the bed to sit up, her face a picture of the kind of deadly seriousness that had always made Hugh’s heart pound. She’d worn that expression when she’d talked about her plans to get away from Tangawarra, from her grandfather, when she’d talked about her first suicide attempt at thirteen, when she’d told him she loved him.
“Hugh—we had a fight, right?”
“Yeah.” Ten years ago and he still remembered it in high definition. Jason had just dropped his bombshell. Then Zoe walked up, all urgent and panicked looking. I need to talk to you. Oh, he’d needed to talk to her, too. He’d needed to yell. The fight had been momentous. Zoe had denied everything so vehemently she’d worked herself into hysterics.
“And then you passed out.”
“You took me to the nurse.”
Hugh nodded. “And then, after Mack took you home, you…you did it again. He wouldn’t tell me how. But I guess I figured…” He gestured towards her wrists.
Zoe shook her head, eyes wide. “Oh, no.”
The ground shifted under Hugh’s feet at her expression. “What?” he asked nervously.
“Is that what Mack told you? That I tried to kill myself again?”
The weird anxiety in Hugh’s belly stepped into high gear. He had a feeling that whatever was coming, it wasn’t going to be good. “That’s what both Mack and my father told me.” He paused. “You didn’t?” he asked, not entirely sure he wanted to know the answer.
“Oh, Hugh. Mack sent me away because I was pregnant.”
* * *
SHOCKMADETHETRUTH come tumbling out before Zoe could reel it in. The full weight of the grief and distress of those twelve months after she’d been banished from Tangawarra crashed down on her all over again. And Hugh hadn’t even known?
“Pregnant?” Hugh blurted. He was gripping the seat of his chair as if he might fall off.
She couldn’t speak, so simply nodded. A hot tear spilled down her cheek. It surprised her so much she swiped at it and stared at the telltale moisture on her fingertip. Tears? Really? An edge of panic rose inside her. She couldn’t cry. Not now. Not ever. Because if she did, Zoe genuinely feared she might not be able to stop.
“What? But…what?” His eyes popped as his voice rose.
She struggled to calm her ragged breathing, blinked up at the ceiling to force the treacherous tears away. “You didn’t know.” It wasn’t a question.
If someone had told her that a five-minute conversation could shatter some of the foundations on which she’d built her life, Zoe would never have believed them. But here she was….
“Of course I didn’t know.” His anger began to surface again, knuckles white against the chair. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he demanded.
“I tried!” she protested. “What do you think I needed to talk to you about that day? But you started in on me about cheating on you with Jason. You didn’t give me a chance and I…”
She threw her hands in the air at the futility of at all. Too late. It was all just far too late.
That last day was a blur. She’d fainted at school after working herself into a state arguing with Hugh. Hugh, ever proper, had carried her to the nurse’s office. After he’d gone back to class, the nurse—a stern, severe woman—had asked a lot of questions. Zoe’s confession prompted the scowling woman to make Zoe take a pregnancy test, confirming her own suspicions. Then her grandfather had been called in and she’d been taken home, the older man stony silent in the car beside her.
That night, Mack locked Zoe in her bedroom, the first time he’d ever resorted to such a measure, even though she’d given him plenty of reasons before then. She could have climbed out the window if she’d wanted, but fear kept her captive.
Instead she lay there, rigid with terror, listening to her grandfather make phone call after phone call. Then Hugh’s father arrived and the two men had spoken, too quietly for Zoe to overhear. Strange, because usually they yelled at each other, if they spoke at all.
The following morning Mack made her pack a bag as she sobbed her protest, and next thing she knew she was on the train to Sydney. Her great-aunt Maureen’s disgust and heavily worn martyrdom had been waiting on the platform for her when she arrived.
“Mack and my father told me you went to a…to somewhere to get psychiatric care,” Hugh muttered, almost to himself. “And then you were going to a girls’ school in Sydney that was designed to help girls like…” He trailed off. When he spoke again his voice was firmer. “They told me that after you recovered you ran away, overseas.”
“Well, that bit was true.” Why the lies? The sweet tea and chocolatey biscuit she’d consumed formed a solid ball in her stomach. “That must have been the story Mack and your dad agreed on. What on earth were they thinking?” She didn’t understand how Mack or Pete Lawson could think a suicide attempt less scandalous than a teenage pregnancy.
Hugh still looked stunned. “The suicide part of it was a secret—they told everyone else you went to a girls’ school in Sydney. But why would they tell me you tried to kill yourself?”
Zoe shrugged, just as baffled as he appeared, still too deeply in shock to reason out past motivations.
“Pregnant,” Hugh said again. His eyebrows drew together and he leaned forward. “Does this mean you…I…we have…” He broke off and swallowed hard. “Where’s the child?”
His voice was strangled and Zoe couldn’t interpret the look in his eyes. Panic? Longing? Fear?
Zoe’s mouth compressed in a tight line. “You don’t have anything to worry about, Hugh. There’s no illegitimate Lawson offspring running around out there, waiting to make a claim on your fortune.” It took every ounce of her dwindling strength to get the next words out without shattering into tiny pieces. “Our baby died.”
Hugh recoiled as if she’d slapped him, but just as quickly his face shuttered down into its usual mask of impenetrable cool.
Zoe battled against a rising tide of panic. Breaking down now—or ever—would be of no help, but this conversation had her feeling like she was on the edge of a very high precipice. What she had to do was get through the next few weeks then sell Waterford and get the hell out of town. She’d endeavor to do that with as little contact with anyone else as possible.
“I can’t believe they lied to me. I can’t believe they kept us apart,” he said under his breath.
Hugh stood and paced over to the French doors that led out to a small terrace and showcased the vines beyond. His impressive silhouette made something inside Zoe clench.
“I know why Mack and my father came up with that story,” he said bitterly. “They knew I’d go after you,” he added more quietly.
Why didn’t you? A tiny, traitorous voice inside Zoe wanted to wail. Why didn’t you come for me when I needed you most? You weren’t there when our beautiful daughter was born, when she was laid in my arms, not breathing, but exquisitely perfect.
When I was so alone.
The dangerous thoughts made her shudder, even as she shook her head in quiet denial. She’d known, by then—even not knowing what lies he’d been told—that he wouldn’t come. After her unanswered calls, after her desperate, unsuccessful attempts to reach him. If there was one thing she’d already learned, it was that even in her most desperate hour, the only person she could rely on was herself.
And by then, she’d reached a kind of peace with his silence. In a way, it was almost better