He slowly sauntered toward the sofa and sat down.
Mallory glanced down at her bare feet, at the pink polish on her toes, but she could feel his eyes on her, angry, hurt.
She didn’t like disappointing people, failing them. And while she’d done her best to make up for the one big mistake she’d made ten years ago, here was Rick, stabbing at her guilt and stirring up the old memories, the emotions all over again.
When she looked up, her gaze met his. She saw the accusation in his eyes. You lied to me.
He must have read the answer in her own because he shook his head and said, “You told me you were giving our child up so I’d sign those forms and relinquish custody.”
“I did give him up.”
“But Lucas looks just like me. And he called you Mom.”
When he’d recently begun to call her Mom it had warmed her heart to know that their relationship had truly begun to morph into the real deal. But now, she found herself having to explain why something so good, so sweet, wasn’t a bad thing.
“I told you that I was going to ask for an open adoption, remember? I even mentioned Sue and Gary Dunlop, the couple who adopted him. She was a nurse, and he was a fourth-grade teacher. They’d been married for nearly fifteen years, and while they’d tried for a long time, they couldn’t have kids. You would have loved them, Rick. They were awesome. Sue taught Sunday school at their church, and Gary used to coach Little League and soccer. I couldn’t have chosen better people to raise Lucas.”
His expression, once hard, seemed to soften a bit, yet doubt still troubled his eyes. “Lucas told me his dad died, but I assumed he meant your husband.”
“No, he was talking about Gary.” Mallory’s eyes filled with tears, just as they always did when she thought of the unfairness of it all, and her voice wobbled when she spoke. “Gary was diagnosed with cancer when Lucas was in first grade. He died a year later.”
Rick raked a hand through his hair, mussing it all the more. “And Sue?”
Mallory opened her mouth to speak, but the words didn’t form right away. If truth be told, she and Sue had grown really close over the years. Sue had become the big sister Mallory had never had, the mother figure she’d lost as an adolescent. The best friend she might never replace.
“Sue was...” Mallory cleared her throat, hoping the lingering grief would allow her to get the story out. “She died in a car accident last year.”
When Rick didn’t comment, she went on to explain. “After Gary died, Sue was concerned about what would happen to Lucas if she passed away. Neither she nor Gary had any close family—at least, not any they wanted to raise their son. So she asked me if I’d be his guardian if the unthinkable should happen.”
“And so you told her okay.”
“Of course. I love Lucas. And I loved Sue and Gary, too. I never really thought anything would happen to either of them, and when it did, I was as crushed as he was. It’s been tough on both Lucas and me, but we’re making the best of it.”
She glanced across the room at Rick, watching him, gauging his reaction. He remained silent for so long, she finally said, “You’re not saying anything.”
“Yes, I know. It’s a lot to think about. And I’m not sure how I feel. Confused and overwhelmed, I guess. But in a way, I feel cheated.”
“Why is that? You agreed to give him up.”
Those blue eyes struck something deep inside of her, setting her heart on end. “I offered to marry you, Mallory.”
“We were kids, Rick. You had no job. No way of supporting us. You were living with another family back then. Remember?”
“I know, but I was willing to do whatever I had to.”
Mallory crossed her arms. “And if we’d gotten married when we were teenagers, where would we be now?”
He shrugged. “Who the hell knows?”
She waited a beat, then asked, “So now what?”
He blew out a breath. “In some ways, I have no more to offer Lucas now than I did ten years ago, Mallory. I have no idea how to be a father. My old man used to beat me, that is, when he cared enough to come home. And when he was sober enough to stand up. And then, he took off one day and never came back.
“My uncle was better, at least to me and my brother. But when he drank, he used to abuse my aunt. You know all that. So my family history sucks. Yet now that Lucas is here in Brighton Valley, now that I’ve met him, I’d like the chance to get to know him. And I want him to know me.”
“Fair enough.” She got to her feet, deciding to put on her social worker hat for the time being. After all, she wasn’t so sure how to coparent with a guy like Rick, either. Or how he’d fit into her life after all these years. “Why don’t we take things slow and easy? We can both let things simmer, then talk more about it later.”
He pondered that for a moment. “I suppose that makes sense. I need to sort things out, too. How much time are you suggesting?”
“I’m not sure. Weeks. Maybe months.”
“Why so long?”
“Parenting is a big deal. I’ve never had to do it full-time. And neither have you. Lucas has been through so much recently, and he has a lot to sort through. I’m not sure introducing you to him as his birth father is a good idea right now.”
Rick stiffened. “Why not?”
“Well, because...” She took a deep breath, then slowly let it out. “Losing his parents was hard on him. And then there was the move. He left everything that was familiar, so it’s all been a big adjustment for him. And for me, too.”
“You don’t want him to know who I am?”
“Not yet.”
“Why?”
“Because... Let’s just say it’s complicated.”
Rick crossed his arms. “How so?”
“I... Well, Gary and Sue were always very honest with him. And when he asked me about his biological father...I... Well, I don’t want him to think that I lied to him.”
“Why would he think that?”
Mallory shifted in her chair. At the time, when he’d asked about his biological dad, she’d given him the kindest, most logical response she could give a child. But in retrospect, she’d made a mistake. She just wasn’t sure how to backpedal at this point without making things worse.
Finally, Rick said, “I hope you didn’t tell him that I didn’t want to marry you. I wanted to, remember? Of course, I now have to admit that your grandfather was right. I didn’t have a dime to my name and probably wouldn’t have been a good husband and father, although I would have tried. But for the record, you were the one who was responsible for losing contact. You stopped taking my calls.”
“You can’t blame me for that. Giving up the baby was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I told you how badly I wanted an open adoption, and you refused to even consider it. In fact, you were adamant. You said that I could either bring the baby home, or leave it in Boston. But if I left it, not to even bother telling you if it was a boy or a girl.”
Rick raked a hand through his hair. “I had a hot temper back then. And I was trying to force your hand. The only reason I didn’t want an open adoption with a kid living in Boston, when I was dirt-poor and living in Texas, was because I’d never see him. So fatherhood was an all-or-nothing thing for me. I figured you’d see motherhood that way, too.”
“I’m sorry, Rick. I didn’t know where you were coming