“He’s sad because our mommy and daddy got killed in a real bad car wreck.”
Kevin’s lower lip quivered and for a moment Olivia thought he might cry. She was surprised when he didn’t.
She took his hand in hers again. “Kevin, it’s okay to cry. I know you must be very sad, too. Just like Danny is.”
Still holding Olivia’s hand, Kevin focused on a spot somewhere over her shoulder and didn’t let down his guard.
Olivia squeezed his hand. “Well, I want you to know I think you’re very brave, but even the bravest men in the world cry sometimes. And that’s okay.”
Suddenly, Danny stepped forward, reached and touched Olivia’s pearl necklace.
“Duck!” said Danny.
Kevin grabbed his brother’s hand and held it.
“Don’t touch, Danny.”
“Duck!” Danny repeated.
Olivia gazed down into his little upturned face and smiled. She pointed at her necklace. “These are pearls, Danny.”
Kevin shook his head. “It doesn’t matter how many times you tell him. He’s still going to call it a duck, because that’s what he thinks it is. I told you, he’s special and he doesn’t know any better.”
Olivia nodded and gave Kevin a conspiratorial wink. “That’s good to know. If he wants to call it a duck, then this can be my … duck. Say, Kevin, do you and Danny like cookies? I just made some. They’re in the kitchen. Why don’t we go get some?”
Kevin’s face shuttered again.
“My mommy doesn’t let us eat cookies between meals.”
His little bottom lip trembled again, but he raised his chin a notch and refocused on his spot over Olivia’s shoulder.
Her heart was breaking for these two sweet boys. She was about to tell Kevin that she was sure his mother wouldn’t mind just this once, and praise him for following her rules, when Danny’s hand snaked out again and grabbed a hold of Olivia’s necklace.
“Duck!” he yelled, and gave them a firm yank.
His grasp was far stronger than she might have imagined because the necklace broke. If not for the individual knots between each pearl, the necklace might have scattered all over the floor. Instead, the broken strand held together in a limp line trailing down Danny’s arm.
“Danny! No!” reprimanded Kevin.
He turned to Olivia. “I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. Please don’t be mad at him. Please—”
With that, his voice broke and he dissolved into a heap of full-body sobs.
Reflexively, Olivia gathered him in her arms and held him while he cried on the shoulder of her blue suit.
Rubbing his back, she said, “I’m not mad. It was just a silly old duck anyway. I can get it fixed later.”
Pam and Karen rushed in to see what all the commotion was about, but Olivia waved them away. She was no expert, but instincts told her that now that Kevin was finally letting down his guard, now that he was finally allowing himself to feel his loss, the last thing he needed was an audience gawking at him.
As he continued to sob on her shoulder, she mouthed to them, It’s okay. He’ll be fine. Hesitant, they retreated to Pam’s office, throwing concerned glances Olivia’s way as she rubbed the boy’s back in slow, circular motions.
Of all people, she understood the loss he was grappling with—only in reverse. She’d had a hard time processing the sense of loss she felt, not being able to get pregnant. The loss—or empty spot—in her life that Jamison’s and her child was supposed to occupy. It felt like a gaping hole in the place where her heart beat. Some days she wanted to sob on someone’s shoulder, too, but instead, like Kevin, she’d chosen the stoic path.
She pulled the weeping boy closer. Holding him, for the first time ever, she felt that gaping hole begin to close.
“Duck?” Danny murmured.
“Duck,” she whispered, smiling at him through her own unshed tears.
Once the boys were settled in the dining room at the table enjoying milk and cookies with the other Children’s Home residents, Olivia and Pam retreated into Pam’s office.
Pam slid in behind her desk and Olivia claimed the chair facing it.
“Here’s the report from Danny’s doctor.” She nudged a slim stack of papers across her desk toward Olivia. “Karen filled me in on Danny’s condition. Apparently, he was recently diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, and he had just started speech and behavior therapy before the holidays.”
Olivia skimmed the report. “So, he’s not enrolled in school yet?”
Pam shook her head. “He just turned three in November and I believe they were waiting until after the first of the year to enroll him in a public school exceptional educational program. But with all that’s happened, we’re going to have to talk to his doctor and see what he suggests is the best course of action. The little guy has had so much to digest, losing his parents and all, that I’m not certain starting him in a new program right away will be the best thing.”
The fifteen other kids who lived at the Children’s Home were all in school. That meant Danny would need someone to look after him during the day. Pam would have to bring in one of the part-time employees to help out. It would further tax the organization’s already stretched budget.
“I can come in a couple of days a week to help out,” Olivia offered. She wished she could offer more—for one quick, insane moment, she was about ready to offer for Danny and Kevin to come live with her. But it was an irrational thought. Completely emotional and off the cuff. With her steady lineup of doctor’s appointments, she’d be lucky to be able to give Pam two solid days of help per week.
Her heart was breaking for the boys. She wanted to ease their grief and give them … a home. But what would happen once her baby arrived? Reflexively, she slid a hand over her stomach.
She couldn’t adopt them. No, it was best to let the boys get settled into their new home. That was the right thing to do.
Even so, why did leaving them here feel completely wrong?
Chapter Eight
Three days later, Olivia awoke early and placed yet another call to Jamison. It was New Year’s Eve and she’d been trying to reach him for the past two days. All the calls went to voice mail, and he had yet to return a single call.
As she’d done at least a dozen times already, she left yet another message.
“Jamison, it’s me. I don’t understand why you’re not calling me back. I’m worried.”
What she didn’t say, despite the urge, was that it was six o’clock in the morning and she couldn’t reach him at home, the office or on his cell.
What was with this sudden change in him? Just a few days ago, everything seemed so good. Now here she was, wondering not only if her husband was letting business preempt their plans, but also if maybe he was going to stand her up altogether.
No. He wouldn’t do that. Would he?
In the months that they’d been separated, he’d never gone more than a day without calling her. And he’d certainly never let her calls go unanswered. She didn’t understand the sudden change in him, which sent her into another spiral of panic that maybe something was wrong.
She had no choice but to call McInerney to make sure Jamison was okay. She got his voice mail,