Bye-bye, home.
With her nose squished against the window, Jessica McAdams watched with a heavy heart as the familiar setting of London whooshed by. The busy restaurants, the towering office blocks, the bustling streets … She was going to miss it while she was gone. Her destination wouldn’t hold the same hustle and bustle, the same attraction nor the same excitement… It wouldn’t even come close.
A small sigh escaped her as it all disappeared, the buildings and streets swapped for trees and green fields.
She wondered how she was going to get through the next few weeks. Her job in one of London’s most popular publishing houses Partridge & Co. propelled her out of her much-loved apartment and into the busy streets with a spring to her step each morning. She loved it completely; the thrill, the buzz, and the energy that thrummed through the third floor each time she stepped out of the elevator. She was certain that not many people could say that they loved their job as much as she did and actually mean it. Her stomach turned at the thought of abandoning it.
Her job wasn’t the only thing that she was leaving behind. Her best friend Sarah was another aspect of her life that she didn’t want to leave in London. All of these things made her who she was, but she had to go back. She didn’t have a choice in the matter. It didn’t make her decision any easier to come to terms with though.
Realising that there was no point in wallowing in self-pity, Jessica removed her nose from the window and shifted uncomfortably in the seat. No matter how much she wriggled she couldn’t find a comfortable position. She wasn’t entirely sure whether that was to do with the seat itself or just her own internal, emotional discomfort. The red lever intended for an emergency stop was in her line of sight and for a few heart-racing seconds she considered yanking it down and escaping into the woodland that surrounded the tracks. The urge to do so dissolved into acceptance of her fate when she remembered that someone was waiting for her at the end of the journey. Someone important. Her heart began to hammer again.
She sat alone in the compartment with only her thoughts for company, although the chatter of other passengers could be heard. Snippets of conversation kept winging their way towards her. They were providing background noise if nothing else. Her black, bulky suitcase sat next to her on the seat, reminding her constantly of where she was headed. The clothes had been rammed inside rather than neatly folded earlier that morning. She hadn’t wanted to drag the packing out so she’d instead bundled her clothes into it and zipped it up hastily, preferring to get it over and done with as quickly as possible.
The rattle of an oncoming tea trolley approached; wheels squeaking, teacups chinking against each other noisily. Jessica turned her face towards the window and hoped that whoever was behind it would walk straight past her, paying little attention to the lone traveller who was staring at the outside world.
‘Would you like a tea, dear?’ The trolley paused beside the outer seats, leaving Jessica with no option but to acknowledge its presence as well as the woman’s behind it. A wrinkled face appeared with rheumy eyes behind a large pair of spectacles.
She gulped down the sudden threat of tears. The tiniest thing was capable of setting her off just lately, more so the appearance of kind, old ladies. She nodded and accepted the cup of tea gratefully. ‘Thank you.’
Rather than continuing on her way like Jessica had hoped she would, the tea lady remained where she was and cocked her head to the side. She leant forward over the trolley to study Jessica with concern, her eyes wrinkling at the corners. ‘Are you quite all right, petal? You look a little pale, is all. Here.’
A couple of sugar sachets landed in Jessica’s lap making her flinch in surprise. She was as jumpy as a child on a bouncy-castle, her nerve-endings shot to pieces. She needed to get a grip and fast. ‘Oh! Thank you.’ She gathered the sachets and offered the woman a smile that was as friendly and genuine as she could muster.
‘No problem,’ the tea lady replied, pleased with her helpfulness. She placed her hands on her hips. ‘Sugar helps with all sorts of shock and by the looks of you, you could do with plenty.’ With a knowledgeable nod, she turned back to her trolley and rattled off down the aisle.
Alone once more, Jessica’s fingers trembled as she sprinkled each serving of sugar into her tea. Was she shocked? She supposed so. But then, she felt as if she’d always known that the day would come when she’d have to return. Despite living her wonderful London life—arranging and attending glamorous work events, heading off abroad with her best-friend—it was as if the harsh reality of who she was and where she’d come from had always been present, right at the back of her mind. Sure, it had been hidden away, but only until the day that something prompted it to resurface.
She was stirring the sugar into her tea when her ringtone sprung to life. She dug into her coat pocket and studied the screen of her phone. Her heart soared when she saw Sarah’s name flashing. The photo of them that had been taken whilst holidaying in Tenerife was the one that she’d chosen as Sarah’s contact picture. It was her favourite. Two young, carefree women, skin bronzed from two weeks beneath the burning sun, strutting about in bikinis and, quite simply, enjoying life. She remembered how happy she’d felt when the photo had been taken and she couldn’t help but wish that she was back there now with Sarah, rather than sat on the train alone.
She answered the call.
‘Is everything okay?’ Sarah asked as soon as Jessica picked up.
‘Sarah, we spoke about twenty minutes ago when we said goodbye at the station.’ She couldn’t help but to smile at her friend’s concern. ‘But in answer to your question, no, I’m not okay. I wish I’d never agreed to this. Is it too late to change my mind?’
‘Jess, you can’t change your mind now. You’re on the train and you’re on your way. And remember what I said to you in Maggie’s the other day?’
Ah, yes, their weekly catch-ups in Maggie’s were one of her favourite things, as were the cinnamon buns and the coffee. ‘Remind me?’
‘This needs to be done for your own peace of mind if nothing else. If you didn’t go back, you’d only spend the rest of your life regretting it. I know you would. You’re that sort of person. I know it’s scary, I know it’s a big deal, but if you were that scared, you wouldn’t have got on the train. I’m proud of you for taking that step.’
‘Thanks, Sar. That means a lot to me.’ She sipped her tea and winced as it scalded her mouth. ‘Are you going to miss me while I’m gone?’
‘Are you serious? Of course I’m going to miss you! Do you know how much willpower I had to use to not get on that train with you? I would have come with you, you know. I wouldn’t have minded at all.’
‘I know, but as clichéd as it sounds, I think this is something that I need to do on my own. Plus, you’d get bored. There really isn’t that much to see or do down there. You’re much better off staying where you are.’
‘I think you may have a point there.’ Sarah laughed lightly. ‘So, what’s going to happen once you’re there besides the funeral? Is there anything else that you’re going to need to sort out?’
Jessica swallowed at the mention of the ‘f’ word. It still felt surreal, like she’d stumbled into some other parallel