Didn’t have the energy or emotion left to—what? Cry himself to sleep, as she did?
No. Not Max.
Surely not?
She got up and crossed over to him, her socks silent on the stone-flagged floor, and laid a hand on his shoulder. ‘Max, I’m so sorry,’ she whispered, and he turned and dropped his shoulders against the wall and stared down at her.
‘Why, Jules?’ he asked, his voice like gravel. ‘Why? What did I ever do to you that was so bad that you could treat me like that? How could you not have told me that I was going to be a father?’
‘I wanted to, but you were always so anti-children—’
‘Because you couldn’t have any, and because—’
‘Because?’
He shook his head. ‘It doesn’t matter. It’s irrelevant now, but we were talking theory, there, not practice. When you found out you were pregnant— When did you find out, by the way?’
She swallowed. ‘While you were on your way to Tokyo. Jane took one look at me and gave me her spare pregnancy test.’
His eyes widened. ‘All that time? Right from the very first minute you knew, and you kept it from me? Jules—how? Why?’
‘I didn’t think you’d want to know. I wanted to tell you—I wanted so much for you to be there with me, to share it.’
‘I would have been,’ he said gruffly, his eyes tormented. ‘I would have been with you every step of the way if you’d given me the chance.’
‘But only when you weren’t too busy.’
He looked away. ‘I wouldn’t have been too busy for that.’
‘Of course you would.’
‘No. Not for something like that. You should have given me the choice, Julia, not taken that decision away from me. You had no right to do that.’
He was right, of course. So right, and his anger and grief at the lost time cut right through her. She wanted to hold him, to put her arms round him, but she had no right to do that any more. How could she comfort him for the hurt she’d caused? And anyway there was no guarantee he wouldn’t reject her, and she couldn’t stand that.
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