A lump formed in his throat. “Why? So I’d say ‘to hell with it’ and lose my virginity to you, too?”
She nodded. “It was the only thing I could think of to get your attention. Nothing else was working.”
“I’m sorry, Susan.”
“It wasn’t your fault. It was me. I did it to myself.”
And she’d kept doing it, he thought. She’d kept flaunting other guys in front of him.
Silent, he finished his food and set his plate next to hers, trying to maintain his composure, to ease the sudden tension, the confession in her eyes, the ache in his chest.
“Don’t feel guilty, Ethan. Sleeping with that boy didn’t change who I was. I’d already been messing around before I came to Red Rock.” She gnawed on the inside of her lip again. “Sneaking out of the house, drinking with my friends, learning how to give oral sex.”
“I wasn’t running wild,” he admitted. “But I had a girlfriend before I met you, and we used to engage in some serious foreplay. We just didn’t go all the way.”
She managed a smile. “And here I thought you were a Boy Scout. Proper Ethan.”
“Oh, yeah? Well, you were full of surprises, too. You hardly ever studied, but you got amazing grades. Like a computer nerd or something.”
“Being an honor-roll student was easy for me. But being smart wasn’t what I was after. Not until I straightened up my life and went off to college.”
“Stanford,” he said, then let out a low whistle. “You can’t beat that.”
“Ryan paid for it. I owe him my education.”
Ethan had attended Texas A&M, and he’d been strapped with student loans, debts he’d finally paid off. “I tried not to think about you over the years, but I always wondered how you were.”
She stroked the top of Chocolate’s head, making the big dopey dog sigh in his sleep. “Me, too. Every so often, I’d ask Ryan about you. But I didn’t want to overdo it.”
“And now here we are. On our first date.” He packed up the picnic supplies. “I guess it wasn’t as casual as I promised.”
She looked around. “The atmosphere was casual.”
“But not the conversation.”
“Friends should be candid with each other. I’m glad we talked about it.”
He raised his eyebrows at her. “You wanna tell my libido that?”
She shrugged, laughed, made a silly face at him. “You’ll get over it. Besides, abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.”
“That’s absence, smarty.” And his heart was already fond of her. Or was that his hormones? At this point, he couldn’t be sure.
She woke up the dog and they rode back to the hunting cabin, silence humming between them. Once they arrived, he unsaddled the horses and she offered to let him keep the leftovers, including the untouched cookies.
As she prepared to leave, he debated his options. He knew a kiss was out of the question, but he wasn’t about to settle for a handshake.
He opted for a hug, taking an awkward step toward her, like a teenage boy who was about to trip over his own feet. When he took her in his arms, she put her head on his shoulder.
He buried his nose in her hair and inhaled the faded scent of her shampoo. It was lemon, just like when they were young.
She stepped back and smiled at him, but her eyes were a little glassy. He wondered if the contact had made her warm.
“I’ll guess we’ll see each other around,” she said.
He tried to seem unaffected. “Sure. Anytime.”
She walked toward the SUV, and Chocolate trotted after her.
“You can’t go home with her,” Ethan told the dog.
Chocolate ignored the warning. When Susan opened the driver side, he muscled past her and leaped inside. Then he scooted over, waiting for her to get behind the wheel.
She stood beside the vehicle and laughed. “I guess he made up his mind.”
Ethan shook his head. “I’ll drag his butt out of there.”
“No, it’s okay. He can stay with me for a while. I’m sure Ryan and Lily won’t mind.”
“He’ll want to sleep in your bed. But he won’t keep you warm. He’ll hog the covers.”
“With all that fur? I’ll take my chances.” She climbed into the SUV, started the engine and rolled down the windows. Chocolate curled up on the seat.
Ethan figured there was no point in pushing the issue. If she was willing to babysit his dog, there wasn’t much he could do. “Call me if he gives you any trouble. Ryan has my number.”
“Thank you. I will.”
Her gaze caught his and they stared at each other through the passenger window. Then Chocolate popped up and stuck his head in the way, gloating, no doubt, that he’d gotten the girl.
The one Ethan kept losing.
After watching the eleven o’clock news, Susan curled up with Chocolate. A light burned beside the bed, illuminating the room, casting a white sheen over the book in her hand.
The Lab burrowed deeper beside her. He was more than a blanket hog. His body was pressed so close to hers, he could have been her conjoined twin.
“I can’t concentrate,” she told him as she closed the novel and placed it on the nightstand.
She couldn’t quit thinking about Ethan.
The dog yawned, and she scratched his ears, wondering if his master was in bed. Which wasn’t a good sign. If her mind strayed too far in that direction, she would start obsessing about Ethan, letting him consume her, as he did when they were young.
No, she thought. She hadn’t earned a Ph.D. in psychology to become her own patient all over again. Been there, done that, she told herself.
Then why not analyze Ethan instead? That wasn’t the same as obsessing about him, and she had every right to figure out what he was up to.
Why did he want to sleep with her so badly, especially after dodging her teenage advances? Was it a hard-hitting sexual conquest? A man thinking with his penis? A guy who wished he’d nailed the bad girl all those years ago?
On a primal level, that was a definite possibility, something an adult male might consider. But for an elusive boy who’d wanted to make everything better, to heal her rebellious heart, it seemed out of character.
So maybe he was trying to bandage those old wounds. Not consciously, but deep down, where it counted. Where he’d needed her as much as she’d needed him.
But how could she be sure? Ethan had always kept his feelings to himself. Unlike her, who’d rammed her emotions down everyone else’s throats.
A light knock sounded at the door, and Chocolate lifted his head, his sleepy eyes going wide.
“It’s me,” Lily said through the wood.
“Come in,” Susan told her.
The older woman entered, then smiled at the dog, who thumped his tail in a friendly greeting. “I see your companion found a cozy spot.”
“More than cozy.” Susan scratched his ears again. “He’s glued to my side.”
“I think Ryan half expected you to bring Ethan home instead.”
“I would have.” She gave Lily a teasing grin. “If I hadn’t changed my