“How could I be? You know what Joey did to himself.”
The panic became pain.
“He’s going to be all right.”
“He did it deliberately. He just couldn’t handle it anymore. I’m so tired of fighting this, Roxy. I’m tired of being alone. I want someone to take care of me for a change. Someone strong enough to rely on or I’m outta here.”
Roxy nodded. She could understand being tired of fighting. There’d been many days when the siren song of alcohol had been almost too much to bear and death had seemed easier. The course both her mother and her brother had taken when their addictions had overwhelmed them.
She’d also needed someone to turn to, but Roxy would allow no one to help until that terrible morning when she’d hit rock bottom. She’d finally called her father begging for help, and he’d been there for her.
“Roxy?”
She struggled to sit up, grasping the phone in a death grip. “I’m here, Mick.”
“I need you to come home. I’m falling into the pit.” Obviously stoned, he sobbed without restraint.
“What are you doing? Booze or pills? Mick?”
“Both, man. What does it matter? I’m gonna end up like Joey and I don’t care. Better sooner than later.”
“Mick? Just tell me where you are.”
“I’m at Club Med. Where do you think I am?” His husky voice suddenly sounded sly.
Roxy grasped the phone tighter. “Mick? Tell me where you are.” She couldn’t go from bar to bar. The lights, the booze, the lure of the only true escape would suck her down.
Especially with the specter of Joey hanging over her. He’d been doing so well and then he’d just given in; he’d gotten drunk, added the right pills. She’d been so frightened. Suddenly she was back in time, cradling her dead brother, David, whose beautiful eyes were glazed in death. Dead by his own hand at twenty-six.
His flesh had been so cold…That scene had stolen a childhood of wonderful memories. So she tried never to think about David at all.
At least Joey was alive.
“Mick, please, tell me where you are!” Her voice echoed in the empty motel room.
“Damn him.” The pain in Mick’s voice touched Roxy’s heart. The desperation in it touched her soul.
Mick and his brother were really close. They owned a bar. They’d fed her when she’d been so far down she couldn’t hold a job and wouldn’t go to her father for money. They’d given her a job and self-respect. Then after she’d gotten sober they’d both talked about selling the business, about getting straight. Joey who was forty, ten years older than his brother, had been leading the way.
Roxy knew exactly how Mick felt.
She’d also looked up to David, the way her students looked up to her. That was another reason she couldn’t go back. She ran a support group. Those kids deserved better than to have their mentor fall apart.
Look at me, she thought. I’m no better than Mick. Hot tears covered her face. “Mick, you’re so lucky. He’s still alive. Joey’s still alive and he’s going to be okay.”
“I’m lucky? I sure don’t feel lucky. I’m trying, Roxy, but why fight it? Joey was stronger than me and he couldn’t do it. Why should I even try?”
She heard him take a deep breath.
“I’m sorry I called.” He sounded as if her grief had sobered him. “You deserve more than a bum like me for a friend. I should be thinking about you. I’d do anything for you and that includes getting the hell outta of your life. Meanwhile I’m going to get so strung out I won’t even remember I had a brother.”
“Mick!”
But only the buzz of the dial tone answered her desperate query. She put the receiver down and curled into a ball, shivering, like she would never be warm again.
She had to go to him.
Where will you find him? He’ll hide until he’s too stoned to remember he’s hiding.
She’d find him if she had to search every bar in Dallas. She had a responsibility to help another alcoholic. She couldn’t fail him when so many people had been there to help her. She’d find him even if she ended up picking up a drink.
And then you’ll die.
The shivering turned to outright shaking.
The shaking continued. She recognized the voice of reason. This part of Roxy knew she wouldn’t survive another binge. It wasn’t even the diabetes. It was the threat of finding herself at the bottom. If she ever went down to that place again she couldn’t come back up.
The phone rang again. She picked it up, hoping Mick had come to his senses. “Hello?”
“Roxy?”
“Daddy, it’s me.” She rubbed a lock of hair against her cheek.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. “You sound terrible, but you told me they had the diabetes under control.”
She sniffed, “Mick just called me.”
He paused for a moment. “I figured he might. I’m sorry, honey. Mrs. Petty gave him your number at the motel because he said it was an emergency. She thought it was okay because Joey’s in your AA group.”
“Daddy, he was really stoned. I have to come home and find him. Before he hurts himself.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“I know. But…”
“I’ll find him, Roxy. You stay where you are. We’ve gotten three calls from the drunks you used to run with.”
“He’s not like them.” She knew she sounded defensive.
“I understand, but he’s going to hurt you, Roxy. You can’t allow him to depend on you. He has to help himself. You understand better than anyone.” The pain of having tried to help her and failed was there in his voice. The pain of a man who’d let his work consume him until he’d lost his wife to alcoholism, and his son to drug addiction and suicide.
It represented another chunk of guilt she had to bear. Her responsibility to Mick warred with her need to atone to her father for the years of heartache he’d endured.
What am I going to do? “I should come home. Joey and Mick need me.” She knew her tone lacked conviction.
“No. Just stay put. You ran because you knew you couldn’t handle your grief for David and Joey. I know this brought it all back.” He sounded as if he was working to keep his own emotions in check.
“I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you, too. And I worry about you. This is too much at one time. Joey isn’t out of the hospital and he’d want you to do whatever you needed to stay straight. I’ll handle Mick.” The desperation in his voice convinced her more than anything he said.
“What will you do about Mick?” She sniffed again. Roxy felt guilty about abandoning Mick. His suffering touched more than her sense of responsibility, it touched her heart. He’d sounded so alone.
“I’ll find him. I’ll look all night long if I have too. Honey, I promise. I’ll find him and keep him safe. I’ll call someone from your AA emergency list and let them baby-sit him once I’ve got him.”
She took a deep breath, thinking. “Call Michelle, Bubba Watkins, or Houston Sharp. All of them reach out to other alcoholics; they’ll understand what he’s going through.” She couldn’t explain any