If only she could be here. If only things had gone down differently those last days before she’d died.
Lily swallowed hard and made herself focus on the service. But the past seemed determined to intrude. As she watched the children perform their nativity skit, breathed in the scent of pine boughs and candles, and sang the familiar carols, her own long-ago memories flooded in. Church attendance had been a spotty thing in her childhood, but for a stretch of several years, a neighboring family had taken her along to a Christmas craft workshop, where she’d enjoyed a few hours of contented concentration, making wreaths or pot holders or Styrofoam ornaments. Christmas music had poured out of speakers and people had been friendly and kind. For those short periods, she’d felt a part of a larger whole.
This seemed like the kind of church that would welcome a lonely child into their midst.
Maybe if she’d kept up her church attendance, she wouldn’t have gone down the wrong path.
When the skit ended to enthusiastic applause, the children left, and Carson stood in the pulpit. He looked around as if meeting each individual’s eyes. Was it her imagination, or did his gaze linger a little longer on her face?
“Did you know that Jesus was an outsider?” he began, and then continued on to preach a short but apt sermon, inviting everyone to recommit themselves to Christ, incarnated in the world, during this season.
He was a talented speaker, and Lily found herself thinking about the state of her own soul. She believed, read her Bible somewhat regularly, but she did feel like an outsider among religious folks. Her past had gone from isolated to wild, and while she’d straightened herself out overseas, with the help of a couple of Christian friends, she’d never found a church where she really belonged.
People in the congregation listened attentively, some smiling, others nodding. Carson seemed to be well respected.
And his kids obviously adored him.
So Pam’s assessment of her husband was at least incomplete—she’d portrayed him as mean and abusive. She’d also said that he put on a good show, of course, and maybe that was what was happening tonight. But as the service ended and she watched Carson greet people by name and ask about their families, she couldn’t detect even a note of insincerity.
It looked like he was going to be busy for a while, and the twins were still working on a craft in the Sunday school classroom. So Lily took a cup of hot apple cider from a smiling teenager and wandered off toward the small church library.
She didn’t browse for long before the woman watching over the library struck up a conversation that ended in an invitation for Lily to come for Christmas dinner. Even though she turned it down, the offer lifted Lily’s spirits. Then the clerk from the hardware store came over and started talking photography. Before she knew it, she was sitting in a small grouping of chairs, eating cookies and listening to a trio of women venting about how stressed they felt from Christmas preparations and expressing envy for her single, unencumbered state.
Yes, this was how church should be. Friendly and open and welcoming.
If she settled in a place like this, this was the type of church she’d want to attend.
“Lily.” There was a touch on her shoulder, and she turned to see Carson’s serious face. His interruption made the other three women exclaim about the time and get up to join the thinning crowd, collecting coats and children and heading out into the late-afternoon light.
Lily’s heart thumped in a heavy rhythm as Carson sat down kitty-corner from her. She looked around the church lobby, desperate for a distraction, an excuse to escape. Why hadn’t she used the church service as a time to figure out what she could say to this curious, grieving husband?
What could she say that wouldn’t devastate him?
“When I heard your full name, I realized that you were Pam’s roommate,” he began. “That surprised me. Did you come to Esperanza Springs because of Pam? Is there anything you can tell me about her?”
Lily shook her head rapidly. “I didn’t realize you all were here. At the ranch, I mean,” she added, to keep from lying. “I’m just here to photograph the dogs for a project I’m finishing up. And to take your family pictures, remember? The gift from Penny.” She was blathering.
And all of it was to deflect his interest away from her real purpose: to check on his daughters, for Pam.
His head tilted to one side, and there was a skeptical expression on his face. He opened his mouth to say something more.
“Pastor! There you are. I have a little gift for you and your girls.” A curvy woman with reddish hair thrust a container of cookies into Carson’s hands.
“Thank you, Mariana.” Carson’s smile looked strained.
“I don’t believe we’ve met.” Mariana fixed Lily with an accusing glare.
“I’m sorry,” Carson said. “Mariana, this is Lily, one of Pam’s friends.”
“Pleased to meet you.” Mariana sounded anything but. “We all wanted to get to know Pam, but she was never around.”
“I’m glad to meet you, too,” Lily said in a weak response. She’d never thought about Pam’s career from her hometown’s point of view. It was odd that Pam had spent most of her leaves traveling, rather than being home with her family.
Mariana had just sat down when a teenage voice called from the doorway. “Mom! Let’s go!”
“Kids.” With a heavy sigh, Mariana stood, waved and walked toward the door.
Now the lobby area was almost completely empty, and parents were coming out from the back hallway with young children in hand. If Lily could only stall...
“Listen, we don’t have much time,” Carson said, “but I also know you won’t be around long. That’s why I’m really eager to talk with you about Pam. Do you know the circumstances of her last days?”
Lily blew out a sigh. “Didn’t they contact you? Usually the army is good about—”
“Yes, they contacted me and gave me the official version,” Carson interrupted. “But you and I both know that the official version isn’t the whole story. What was her state of mind, what had she been doing beforehand, that sort of thing.”
Exactly what Lily didn’t want to talk about, couldn’t bear to talk about. “I think I hear your girls,” she said desperately, standing up.
“Is there something I should know?” Carson stood, too, and stepped closer.
“No.” He most definitely shouldn’t know what had happened. It would only add to his unhappiness. “No, there’s nothing you should know. I’ll be outside.” She spun and hurried toward the door.
Why had she done that? Now he would know there was something she wasn’t saying. It would be so great to be a good liar, to be able to smile and tell Carson that Pam had spent her last moments thinking of him and her girls. That she’d been happy and content until the horrible accident had happened.
But Lily was a bad liar, and the pretty version was far from the truth.
She pushed open the door and walked out into a sunset world of cold and whirling snowflakes.
* * *
Almost an hour later, after a neck-tensing drive to the ranch in whiteout conditions, Carson gratefully pulled his truck into the driveway between Cabin Four and Cabin Five. He got out and came around to find Lily already opening the door for the girls.
“Yay! Snow!” Sunny called. “C’mon, Skye!”
But Skye was clinging to Lily’s gloved hand. “Can you come in our cabin? We put out food for Santa every year.”
Worry