Scout's Honor. Stephanie Doyle

I want is for you to leave me alone.”

      “That’s not going to happen. Some day you’ll be a mother and you’ll understand.”

      “No, I won’t. Because I am never doing this love thing again. So I will never be a mother. You can bank on that.”

      And then it hit her. She was never going to have Jayson’s baby. They were never going to teach their kids how to play baseball. Because she was never going to take that risk.

      Feeling the tears coming, Scout abandoned her quest to get her mother to leave and instead headed for the safety of her bedroom. As soon as the door closed behind her, she sank to the floor and let the tears come. Tears for Duff, tears for Jayson, tears for the kids she was never going to have because the pain of loving people was just too much.

      “Elizabeth?”

      “Go away,” Scout said to her mother, who had followed her up to her room. There was no way in hell she was getting inside, though. Back when Scout lived with her mother after the divorce this was their most common method of communication. With a door in between them.

      “Honey, I know you’re hurting. I know you think the world is against you right now. But I know how smart you are. So I know you’re going to eventually realize there is a reason Samantha and I aren’t leaving you. There is a reason Jayson wants you to know he’s here for you, too.”

      To hurt me. That’s all they wanted to do. But she was safe in her room now and no one could hurt her as long as she didn’t leave.

      “Go away.”

      “I will for now. For now. We’re having pea soup for dinner. I know it’s your favorite. I’ll let you know when it’s ready.”

      Then there was silence and Scout knew Alice had left. Finally, thankfully, she was alone. Which was all she wanted. Why didn’t they understand that?

      Instead no one was leaving and she and Jayson were rehashing old news at a gas station. Why did Jayson have to do that? Why did he have to bring all the pain and misery back? He’d left her. Not the other way around. It wasn’t right of him to blame her.

       Was it?

      She’d heard the pain in his voice when he’d said that she hadn’t been willing to take a chance on them. She knew him well enough to know that what he’d really meant was that she wasn’t willing to take a chance on him.

      Jayson’s father had left him and his mother when Jayson was nine, and it had left its mark, like any father leaving would. It made Jayson feel as if he wasn’t good enough for or worthy of his father’s love. It’s what drove him to succeed in baseball. It’s what pushed him all the way through the minors until he was finally called up to The Show.

      He never said it, and she never asked, but Scout always believed that his drive to get to the majors had everything to do with hoping his father might see him there. Might see his kid on TV and regret leaving him.

      She wondered if that was what still drove him now.

      All she knew was that back when they were together, Scout had wanted to show him he was the worthiest of all men.

      There were times she’d wondered if that was why he’d asked her to leave in the first place. Had he wanted to put that choice in front of her so that she would choose him? Show him he was good enough. To prove that everything she had told him was true.

      Thinking back on it, they had never once talked about trying a long-distance relationship. They could have made an effort. Long calls, long visits. It wasn’t as if a baseball manager wasn’t on the road a lot during the season anyway. They could have eased into the idea of her moving in with him.