I blinked back the tears in my eyes, feeling a mixture of relief and horror, because his words were true. There was no hiding when the Terra were breached. There was no mercy in the law courts, because they were the only thread that suspended us in a state of peace with the humans.
‘I know,’ I whispered. ‘I know.’
He closed his eyes briefly and groaned, placing his other hand on the wall the other side of my head. ‘Do you have a death wish? Because what you just did makes it seem like you do.’
‘I-I’ I couldn’t answer and neither could I shake my head. Instead, I ceased my attempt at holding back the tears. They slithered down my cheeks and plummeted as I hung my head.
‘Autumn?’
My bisected breathing became rasps, and the rasps sobs. There was no stopping the misery now. I knew that much. It was an insatiable beast, but its touch had become silken and light over the summer as hope had surfaced. But that had been a deception; soft strokes to entice. It was back. Yet. Though it was a cold demise, it was not a product of mine. No. It had been caused by him. The prince.
‘Autumn Rose? Tell me you’re not being serious?’
Now that brief moment of flattery in the car the week before disgusted me, because it was he who had dragged up so many things that I had learnt were better buried, for my own wellbeing and sanity.
‘Please?’
I could not say anything.
‘Autumn, a death wish? Do you mean you want to take your own life? Mortalitas voltana?’ His face crumpled and his hands closed around my shoulders, shaking me slightly.
I raised one shoulder, intending to shrug, to look nonchalant, but couldn’t summon the energy to do any more; to deny what he said.
‘No? You’ve thought about it then?’
I gave a small nod.
‘B-but why? What is it? Is it your grandmother?’ He shook me even more and when I didn’t answer, pulled me into a crushing embrace. I sprang back before my sobs heightened, tripping over my own feet to put as much distance between us as possible. ‘Autumn? What is it? Tell me!’
It’s you! I wanted to scream, and I would have if it had been completely true. But it wasn’t. It was everything.
‘E-Extermino. Not saving that human man … V-Valerie. Your stupid orders about my grandmother! I hate your stupid orders!’
Through my blurred, frantically blinking eyes I could see him watching me in horror as I backpedalled, summoning the magic still brewing after Valerie’s words and took to the air.
Let me be numb again, I thought. Let me bury the depression as best I can. Burying is better than this.
The wind slapped against my cheeks, bitter and stinging. But behind my closed eyelids, it was not air making contact with my cheek, but a hand. Once, twice. Hard enough to leave an imprint.
‘Stiffen that upper lip, child! Kindness only comes when you are strong because when you grow up the world will fall on your shoulders! You are my heir; how dare you cry? How dare you be so weak? How dare you lose your mask?’
I did not let out a breath until she was high in the air, a retreating speck. Around me I was aware of voices, incoherent interference in the distance, as I struggled to switch my mind back to English – whether those voices were those of human minds or tongues I could not tell. I could barely even think.
Suicide. Any fool could see that she was not happy. But there was a huge cavernous cut in emotion between unhappiness and … and … that. Between dejection and despair; between discontent and utterly losing the will to even live.
A surge of adrenalin passed through me. There was no way she should be alone; not in the state she was in now.
I tossed my bag from my shoulder; it disappeared before it reached the ground. I was meant to have a math lesson that afternoon, and catch-up afterwards, and leaving would mean abandoning my car until the next day, but none of that mattered. School wasn’t why I was here.
Knowing she wouldn’t hang about I took to the air in pursuit, praying she intended to go home. But when I’d risen far above the campus, there was no sign of her and when I expanded my conscious out, hoping to touch upon her own, I found nothing. Making a split-second decision I headed over the river, wondering how she could have disappeared in less than half a minute.
When the town came into view, I searched for the church and graveyard we had passed when I had dropped her off. To my complete relief, frantically walking though the graveyard was the young duchess. I waited until she had passed through the gate in the dry stone wall and then dropped to the ground behind the church tower.
She didn’t hang around once she reached the lane – though she didn’t push herself as far as her magic would allow, but moderated herself to a jog. I took after her as quietly as I could; cursing the crunch of the gravel path and opting for the grass verge instead, weaving between the graves. All around, wilting flowers lay in mildewed jars.
I halted at the gate and waited for her to reach the top of the hill at the path’s end, where I could just make out the cottages and their tiny doors giving way to the vast branches of a maple tree. When she crossed the summit, I broke out into a jog too and quickly emerged at the turning she had directed us to the week before. On the other side of the road, I could see her diving between the unruly shrubs in her yard and hear the slam of a front door.
I let out a sigh of relief, but it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t let her be alone, not with those thoughts running through her mind.
Yet when I reached the opposite sidewalk, something made me pause. There were no gates, or guards, or lodges, but I was acutely aware as I passed the sign bearing the avenue’s name that this was her territory, and that I was trespassing. It was like being a kid again, trying to steal apples from the crown orchards; they were not fenced and we were never told not to go there, but we knew that what we were doing was wrong.
I took a few cautious steps and glanced around nervously. It had been a long time since I had walked around a neighbourhood alone and unguarded.
I stopped when I reached the edge of her front yard. It wasn’t an unpleasant house – it was quite charming in a small, rustic sort of way – but it was hard to believe that the duchy of England, with all their wealth and property, lived here; much easier to imagine the field day the paparazzi would have if they knew the details of their lifestyle choice.
I gripped the pointed post of the white picket fence. It was common knowledge the House of Al-Summers had always rejected pomp, but this … this I had never expected.
Then I noticed something that made my blood run cold. In the driveway were two cars.
It took a minute for my heart to stop racing. I knew her parents worked away in London. It had never for one moment occurred to me that they might actually be home for her.
I shook my head and let out a sharp breath. She was not alone. I could go. Yet at the same time, it seemed like a perfect opportunity. Human or not, her parents were nobility and I would have to introduce myself at some point. It would be an advantageous move.
But even as I placed my hand on the gate I knew that I could not do it. I could not face them, look them in the eyes, and shake her father’s hand. Guilt – for now, at least