Ari licked her lips and tried again. It was so painful for the Moraleses when she brought up their son. She couldn’t blame them for always changing the subject. “I know this is difficult for you, but I need to go to the home that I shared with Miguel’s father. I know you think it’s only going to…upset me again, but it’s something I need to do. I need to touch something from Antonio’s and my life together.”
So it would feel real.
“You have proof of your life together in your son.”
Ari had tried before and never succeeded in convincing Josefina that Miguel had nothing to do with his father in her mind. He somehow seemed more connected with her survival than her past. Of course, she hadn’t tried very hard. But Tracker’s arrival had done more than stir feelings of being a woman. It had also stirred her need to find some part of herself that had been lost on that bloody day when her husband had been killed.
“When I look at Miguel, I see nothing of Antonio. When I look at my baby, I see Miguel’s eyes, Miguel’s nose, Miguel’s face. It’s almost like Antonio never existed.”
Josephine stumbled and bumped into the small table beside the horsehair sofa. The lamp on top rocked. Ari hurried over to catch it before oil spilled over the floor.
“Are you all right?” she asked.
Josefina straightened and smoothed her hair with a hand that shook. The shaking might have been from the small fright, but that sick feeling in Ari’s stomach grew worse.
“Antonio did exist, didn’t he?”
Josefina made the sign of the cross. “How dare you ask me such a thing? My son was very much a man.”
Ari immediately felt guilty. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I keep trying to explain that he’s just not real to me. I need him to be real. I need to go home to touch that part of me that I lost.”
Josefina was shaking her head before Ari even finished. “No. It is not wise.”
“I wasn’t asking permission.”
For the first time in the eleven months since Ari had been here, Josefina looked angry. “You are ungrateful.”
“I just need to know.”
The older woman slashed the air with her hand. “You would open old wounds for everyone. Bring back the grief that we have just buried. For nothing.” She slashed the air again. “And your memory will not come back.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I know the Lord shields you from what you cannot bear. My son is dead. Your life with him, it is also gone as if it never existed, but you have a future here. We are your family now. Vincente and I will share memories of Antonio with you. You will share them with Miguel. It is enough.”
“No, it’s not.” Ari had never been more sure of anything in her life. She picked Miguel up off the floor and turned on her heel and headed for the door. “I need my life back.”
“You do not know what you do,” Josefina called.
She stopped at the door and looked back. The woman was completely distraught and there was a wildness in her eyes. “No, I don’t. That’s the problem, and if you won’t tell me, then I’ll have to go find the answers for myself.”
Josefina’s small brown eyes narrowed. “I won’t allow it.”
For the first time since Ari had woken up in the back of the wagon to see Vincente and Josefina’s faces looking down at her, a sense of determination dominated.
“You’re not going to have a say.”
Being outside in the sunshine didn’t help chase the blackness from Ari’s spirit. The sun on her skin was just one more aggravation. She was angry. She was resentful. She was frustrated. Why couldn’t Josefina understand how badly she needed to know what had happened?
She walked around like a cripple because nothing made sense. Getting vague answers had been all right at first, but as her body healed, so did her mind. She couldn’t go on being a mother with only eleven months of life experience. Josefina should be able to understand that. Yes, Ari had lost her husband, but she was still living. She just wasn’t alive.
Are you sure you’re getting the right answers?
Damn Tracker and his insinuations. This was all his fault. He had to go and voice her own recent doubts, giving them weight. What if there was more going on than Vincente was telling her? What if they were important things she needed to know for her son?
“We have to know, baby.” She kissed Miguel’s soft black hair as she walked down the road. “We have to know.”
Miguel grabbed a handful of her blouse and dragged his mouth to it. He was such a happy child, rarely fussing. She was lucky to have him. She freed her blouse and gave him her finger instead, closing her eyes for a heartbeat to let the tension go. She needed to relax. Tension always brought on the flashing lights behind her eyes that were the first sign of a pending episode.
The sun was bright against her eyelids and warm on her skin, reminding her that it was a beautiful day. This was the prettiest part of summer, before drought turned the grass brown. Everywhere she turned there was blue sky, green grass and colorful flowers. Everywhere except around the Morales ranch. That was dry and dusty, the vegetation eaten by the cow and trampled under her feet.
There was no sign of Vincente, so no opportunity to ask him if he would take her to her old home. Wherever that was.
Supposedly, the home she had shared with Antonio was fifty miles to the east. She’d never gotten an answer from the Moraleses as to why she and Antonio had lived so far away from his parents. It certainly wouldn’t have been Josefina’s preference. There were lots of opportunities around Esperanza, but maybe Josefina had been too much in her and Antonio’s life? Maybe Ari had needed distance between them. New wives rarely got along with their mothers-in-law. The fact that theirs was a mixed marriage could have added to the tension. Maybe Josefina hadn’t been too happy to have Ari in the family.
Ari sighed. She didn’t know. No one would give her answers. Vincente would just tell her to count her blessings and to be grateful. She was tired of being grateful.
The sound of a gunshot carried in the afternoon breeze. It came from the direction of town. Her heart skipped a beat.
I’m going to get a drink.
Tracker was in town. He wouldn’t be so foolish as to announce that he was a Texas Ranger, of that she was sure. But his looks were Indian enough that someone might easily pick a fight. Sober, he’d be a match for anyone, she didn’t doubt. The man wore his experience like a cloak of honor. But drunk he would be fair game for any troublemaker.
She bit her lip. She couldn’t afford to lose him now. He was their only hope, and he really couldn’t know how bad town had gotten lately. Vincente was always telling how the gringos delighted in flexing their power in senseless violence.
Keep him safe, Lord. I need him.
For more than just her son’s protection. Something deep within her recognized Tracker.
Ari checked the watch pinned to her blouse. A gift from her husband, Vincente said. It was a plain watch with no engraving. A simple gift. It could have belonged to anybody. Her husband must not have been a very romantic man. She wondered if she’d been happy with him. Was that what her memory was hiding? she wondered. An unhappy marriage? Did they worry that she’d remember interference on their part, and take her son away from them? She would never do that. Family was everything, but so was the memory of that family.
She couldn’t take this anymore. She couldn’t just sit around watching the days bleed, one after the other, into a senseless future because she had no past.
Ari hitched Miguel up on her hip. If she