“I could go home by the Improbable Stair,” said Arthur slowly. He was unable to stop himself from looking at the ring on his finger. He would have to use the power of the Fourth Key to walk the Stair – and every step he took along that strange way would take him further away from humanity, even as he walked towards his home.
“I would strongly advise against that,” said Dame Primus. “You have been very fortunate to survive two perambulations on the Improbable Stair. Now let us move on to the Agen—”
“Where’s Captain Drury?” interrupted Arthur. He looked away from Dame Primus and saw the telephone expert already hurrying across the room. As he approached, Drury took the old-fashioned handset out of the wickerwork suitcase that housed the body of the field telephone. The Captain handed this to Arthur and started to wind the crank, as the boy said, “Get me Sneezer, in the Lower House, please, Captain.”
“As you are too busy to discuss strategic plans, Lord Arthur, I shall go and interrogate the Piper’s children,” said Dame Primus, with a very haughty sniff.
“What?” asked Arthur, lowering the handset. “Which Piper’s children?”
“The ones that are serving here in the Citadel,” said Dame Primus. “The Piper has declared himself our enemy. The children were originally brought to the House by him, for his own purposes. Therefore they are now enemies too and must be judged accordingly.”
As she spoke, Dame Primus’s tongue briefly forked and turned a sickly green, and her two eyeteeth grew long and pointed, exactly like the fangs of the snake-form that Part Four of the Will had taken.
Arthur stepped back and his hand instinctively went to the Fourth Key on his belt.
Dame Primus frowned, took a dainty lace handkerchief out of her sleeve and dabbed at her mouth. When she lowered the handkerchief, the forked tongue and fangs had vanished. She was once more just a very beautiful, but stern-looking, eight-foot-tall woman.
“Do not be alarmed, Arthur. We are still assimilating the most recent part of our self and it is inclined to be judgmental. Now, where was I? Oh yes, Piper’s children. I expect that after a quick trial we shall have no choice.”
Without a moment’s hesitation, Dame Primus proclaimed, “Here and everywhere else in the House where we hold sway, all Piper’s children must be executed!”
Arthur hung up the phone and looked at Dame Primus.
“No Piper’s children are going to be executed,” he said firmly. “Here or anywhere else. The only time the Piper controlled any of them is when he was close enough for his pipe-playing to be heard. Even then, all that happened was they just stopped moving.”
“He could undoubtedly do much more,” Dame Primus argued. “Perhaps even from outside the House. We do not know the extent of his powers. It would be best to simply get rid of the Piper’s children.”
“No!” shouted Arthur. “What’s wrong with you? They’re people! You can’t just kill hundreds or thousands of Piper’s children because the Piper might… just might… make some of them do something.”
“Can’t we?” asked Dame Primus. She sounded genuinely puzzled.
“No,” said Arthur. His voice grew deeper and stronger. “All Piper’s children are to be released unharmed and restored to their normal jobs and positions. They should be watched and if… if they do something against us, that’s when they should be locked up – and only locked up, nothing worse!”
There was a moment’s silence, even the background buzz of talking soldiers absent. Dame Primus inclined her head a fraction of an inch.
“Very well, Lord Arthur. You are the Rightful Heir. It shall be as you wish.”
“Good,” said Arthur. “Now I’m going to call Sneezer and get him to find out what is happening back home.”
He took the phone again from Captain Drury, who resumed his cranking. The earpiece crackled and hummed, and in the far distance Arthur could hear a stern male voice saying, “All telephones are to be cut off by order,” but that faded as another, softer voice that might be either male or female said, “Shut up.”
“I beg your pardon?” asked Arthur.
“Not you, sorry,” said the voice. “Can I help you?”
“I’d like to speak to Sneezer in Monday’s Dayroom, please.”
“Ooh, you’re Lord Arthur, aren’t you? I could tell because you said ‘please’ again. Everyone’s saying how nice you are.”
“Uh, thanks,” said Arthur. “Could I speak to Sneezer? It really is urgent.”
“Putting you through, Lord Arthur,” said the operator. “Even if old grizzleguts says we’re…”
The operator’s voice faded and Arthur heard a multitude of other, distant voices all speaking at once, overlaid with the stern voice once again ordering that all telephones be cut off. Then there was silence for several seconds. Arthur was about to ask Captain Drury what was going on when the familiar voice of Sneezer sounded out in the air, not out of the phone.
“Monday’s Dayroom, Sneezer here.”
“It does that sometimes, sir,” whispered Drury.
“It’s Arthur, Sneezer.”
“Good day to you, Lord Arthur.”
“Sneezer, I want you to look through the Seven Dials. I need to find out what’s happened to Leaf and my family, and the general situation back at my home. Can you do that, please?”
“I can, sir. Indeed, at the behest of Dr Scamandros I have already looked through, the doctor being desirous of finding out if any Nothing residue of the Skinless Boy remained.”
“What did you see?” asked Arthur. “It’s still Thursday there, right?”
“No, Lord Arthur. It is Friday.”
“Friday! If the Skinless Boy was destroyed on Thursday… I’ll have been missing overnight. My parents must be freaking out!”
“To be exact, Friday a week from the Thursday on which Miss Leaf embarked on her action against the Skinless Boy.”
“A week! You mean I’ve been missing on Earth for a week?!”
“I believe that is so, sir. Dr Scamandros has suggested that the destruction of the Skinless Boy created a minor fracture of the temporal relationship between you and the Secondary Realm in which you normally reside.”
“My parents must think… What’s happened to my mum and dad?”
“I regret to inform you, Lord Arthur, that while your father is safe – though reluctantly engaged in being driven very long distances in a bus and stopping at night to play music with an ensemble named after rodents – it appears that your mother is not currently in your own Secondary Realm—”
“What?” croaked Arthur. His throat felt suddenly choked and dry. “Where is she? Who… how?”
“There is great disturbance in your world, Lord Arthur,” said Sneezer. His voice was getting fainter. “A number of mortals have been taken elsewhere within the Secondary Realms. I think your mother