From the Eating Disorder Service, NHS
Dear Miss Davies,
We have received a referral from Dr ****** *******, Consultant Psychiatrist, at the Eating Disorder Service in Newcastle. As confirmed on the phone this morning, I am writing with the following triage assessment appointment:
Monday 12 December 2011 at 9 a.m.
With ******* ****, Senior Dietitian
Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions about the appointment.
Yours sincerely,
****** ****
Medical Secretary
On behalf of the Eating Disorder Service
After my diagnosis I was in complete denial. I was so detached from reality that I could not differentiate between dreams and real-life events. I was clueless as to which was which.
A note left for my mum
hi MUM
I have had such a positive day for myself today. I enjoyed most of the falafel starters + stuff.
Then had a good SLOW supper INCLUDING carbs! + a second bit (small + early so don’t worry) of spag bol.
I look forward to all the fun stuff we can do together when I am better.
I love u very much + see you tomorrow.
Lydia xo
From this point on I used my phone notes religiously to record my thoughts and feelings, as well as many crazy ideas and dreams that I had. I felt enlightened. I was running on a mixture of adrenalin, starvation and nervous energy. Combined, these fuels made me feel alert, invincible, powerful and generally wired. I felt euphoric, as though I could achieve anything I wanted, and that I had the power to defy nature and survive on nothing. I wasn’t like any other person around me; I had some special force within, to stay completely in control of my body. To me, everyone else seemed so bland, so conforming to the ideas of society. They woke up, ate, got on with their day-to-day tasks. I was always awake, never ate and had a mind spilling with important epiphanies, a special knowledge and outlook on life that no one else could even imagine. I did not need anything, sometimes not even water. I did not need people telling me I was sick. How did I know THEY weren’t all sick? I was above all these people, floating in clouds and sparkles, on edge constantly, a beautiful nervousness and buzzing feeling that I could not describe.
My blog post
Been looking at loads of inspiring stuff recently to keep myself on the right track:
- an old woman’s M&S jacket that I ordered
- Bob Marley lyrics
- Thin by Grace Bowman
- the desire to pursue and achieve my goals
That book, Thin, is more comforting than I can possibly describe. Once I have finished reading it I will review it on here. (But I would already recommend it to anyone and everyone as it really gives such an honest and true account and deep insight of what this illness is like. It is the most accurate explanation and portrayal of the thoughts and ways it all works that I have come across … It’s mad to read.)
But more inspiring than anything is the love and support I have received and am continuing to receive from my absolutely incredible family and friends. I cannot begin to explain how grateful I am for the people I have around me. I feel so lucky for being a part of my family, as each and every one of them is just amazing. Their support inspires me. As does the support of my friends. Seeing some of the best the other night; although it was briefer than I would have liked, it inspired me and helped me gain further determination. I am eternally grateful for these people! XXO
My blog post
Christmas Day
Woke up pure early, as per.
Did stockings in Mum and Dad’s bed like babies.
Prepared carrots and sprouts like good daughter.
Drove to see the rest of the family in London. All of my dad’s side of the family were there so it was quite a big one. We drank champagne and had high spirits. It was really nice for everyone to be there actually, as that’s a fairly rare happening (especially as family live out in Cuba as well).
Then there was the lunch. A 20lb turkey (which still looked huuuuuge by the end of the meal; they will be munching turkey for weeks!). I feasted on my own lunch but developed a taste for parsnips and decided they are genuinely amazing. Felt like a bit of a turning point actually. Very positive.
Nap time/phone call time.
Present time – some money, which I plan to spend on some kind of magazine subscription … (otherwise I will just waste it on unnecessary items).
Drink more champagne and wine/be exhausted/want to get home/hurry up, Mum.
Home and MULLED WINE. Too much mulled wine actually, but it’s so divine.
SO. In conclusion I had an amazing Christmas this year. I look forward to next year when I can maybe skip the nap part, and enjoy and indulge on even more parsnips – and perhaps other items too. Everybody overdoes it on Christmas Day. So it made me feel a lot better … everyone should be and is allowed to do so. Accepting that it’s not wrong to indulge sometimes was a pretty powerful thought, I reckon. I hope everyone else had very neat Christmases and enjoyed their presents and parsnips as much as I did.
Peace out.
I felt very left out, which prompted me to make a very DRASTIC decision … I was going to try a parsnip. I picked one out of the bowl in the middle of the table and dropped it in to my Tupperware, examining the coating of honey and oil as precisely as I possibly could. I took a tiny bite, and OH MY GOD IT WAS INCREDIBLE. I ate the whole holy parsnip piece, and proceeded to pile another eight onto my plate. I genuinely had never tasted anything so amazing in my life as the sacred honey-glazed parsnip. I ate more and more of them, my family staring at me in both amazement and shock. I then asked for more and my father suggested that I might have had enough and should probably stop. I flew into a silent fury, ran upstairs and cried my eyes out, humiliated. I rang my boyfriend in tears for comfort, and then fell asleep for three hours from exhaustion, missing the present opening. It is a horrible feeling to have everyone begging and pleading with you to eat more constantly, only to have those same people tell you to stop eating when you are finally discovering the pleasure in food. It was both an infuriating and embarrassing concept to me. I understand that they guessed how bad I would feel after consuming so much, and they were probably trying to spare me from the painful emotions that would undoubtedly follow; but I just didn’t understand how they decided and assumed