Mainwaring begins interviewing the Walmington residents who’ve volunteered to join the Home Guard. Wilson, who’s been made sergeant, doesn’t bark out the commands as Mainwaring would like.
Wilson asks the first volunteer to enter the office.
WILSON: Would you mind stepping this way, please?
MAINWARING: Sergeant Wilson, come here. I intend to mould those men out there into an aggressive fighting unit. I’m going to lead them, command them, and inspire them to become ruthless killers, but I’m not going to get very far if you keep inviting them to ‘step this way’. ‘Quick march’ is the order, Wilson.
WILSON: I’m sorry, sir. (To the man who’s already standing at the table) Quick march!
FRAZER: There’s not much point, I’m here already.
MAINWARING: Name, please?
FRAZER: James Frazer.
‘Can I be excused?’ (Godfrey)
MAINWARING: Occupation?
FRAZER: I keep a philatelist’s shop.
MAINWARING: How d’you spell that?
FRAZER: S…H…O…P…
Memories…
‘I’ll never forget the first day of filming because it snowed – and it was supposed to be summer! I don’t think it showed, though. When it finally stopped and we were ready to do the first shot, David [Croft] asked me to go and get everyone. A lot of them were sitting in David’s Rolls-Royce, so I opened the door, saying: “OK, chaps, we’re ready to go now.” I didn’t know what they’d be like, I thought they’d be enthusiastic but Arthur replied: “We’ll come when we’re ready.” I went back to David and said: “We’ve got a right lot of miserable sods here, David!” They were hard-nosed old pros but bloody good: they knew their job, that’s the main thing.’
JIMMY PERRY
Memories…
‘Arthur Lowe was a good all-round actor, very experienced, and was able to call upon all these little mannerisms. He could be obstructive and awkward but if you knew how to handle him, he was fine. He was an old actor and we understood him well and he understood us. The important thing was not to drive him into a corner or get fundamental opinions from him. I never asked the actors what they thought of things, it was safer that way. Arthur’s character meant he could be pedantic and like Mainwaring at times, but then all the actors were like their characters, to a point.
‘He wasn’t prepared to welcome the public. Once, a member of the public had got autographs of all the other actors. He was talking to his friend, who asked whether he had Mainwaring’s? He replied: “No, he’s a miserable old toad.” Arthur had waved him away. He said: “I don’t do that when I’m working.” Bill Pertwee actually told the story at dinner that night, and Joan, Arthur’s wife, said: “There you are, Arthur, that’s the image you project.” He did, however, have the grace to laugh at himself.
‘I’ll always remember how much he loved his food and was often late getting on the coach in the mornings. It was no good taking him away until he’d been. He was a lovely man but the whole schedule was built around Arthur Lowe’s bowels!’
DAVID CROFT
‘THE LONELINESS OF THE LONG-DISTANCE WALKER’
Walker has just announced he’s been called up. The members of the platoon, however, have other things on their minds.
FRAZER: This is terrible news, Joe, terrible! What about my whisky?
JONES: And my gin?
GODFREY: What about my sisters’ fudge?
PIKE: What about my mum’s elastic?
MAINWARING: Don’t be selfish, men. We mustn’t think about ourselves. By the way, what about my whisky?
Memories…
‘Jimmy Beck was my first choice to play Walker. Jimmy Perry wrote the part for himself but I didn’t want that to happen because although he was a very good actor and would have been fine in the part, I didn’t want an actor who’d written the show taking part. Firstly, everyone would think he’d written himself the best part and I wouldn’t have had his influence at rehearsals and during the recordings.
‘I’d worked with Jimmy Beck before, not in any big capacity, but his career was going great guns and he was obviously a very talented performer. He did a good job and gave a very funny interpretation.’
DAVID CROFT
Jones, inside a phone box, tries reporting an enemy plane has crashed. Unfortunately, he’s incorrectly connected to the local cinema.
JONES: Major Brooks?
DOREEN: (With puzzled look at receiver) Yes, that’s right.
JONES: Can you help me?
DOREEN: Certainly, sir…One of Our Aircraft is Missing.
JONES: That’s funny, I thought it was one of theirs.
DOREEN: No…it’s One of Our Aircraft is Missing. It went up five minutes ago.
JONES: Well, it’s come down now.
DOREEN: No, sir…it doesn’t come down till 10.30…if you hurry you’ll just catch it. Eric Portman and Googie Withers are in it.
‘Stupid boy!’ (Mainwaring)
JONES: Well, why are they shooting at us?
DOREEN: No, sir…they’re not still shooting it…it’s finished.
Did you know?
Some of the characters’ names were altered before the first episode was made: while Private Frazer was originally to be called Private Duck and Joe Walker was Joe Fish, Jack Jones started life as Jim and was going to have a twin brother, George.
Memories…
‘I took a while to accept the part because I was worried about how they’d treat the sergeant. Alfie Bass and Bill Fraser were in The Army Game and Bill Fraser did a rather old-fashioned sergeant; I was concerned they might choose someone to play the sergeant like that. But it was brilliant casting when John Le Mesurier was asked to play the character. When he said he was going to do it, I agreed, too. I didn’t know Arthur Lowe’s work at all, or any of the other guys except John Le Mesurier, so when I knew he was going to be in it, I knew I had a mate there.’
CLIVE DUNN
‘SOMETHING NASTY IN THE VAULT’
Mainwaring and Wilson are stuck in the bank’s strong room. There has been an air raid and they’ve ended up holding an unexploded bomb. Pike arrives.
PIKE: