“Relationships,” I thought, “what an important area! It might well be the most important facet in all of our lives. Besides, whenever I run a counselling session – irrespective of the nature of the problem that prompted the discussion – we almost always end up dealing with interpersonal relationships.” Isn’t that interesting?
Another group of people confirmed my theory about the importance of relationships, in an unexpected way. For a number of years, I taught on a lifelong learning program for 40 to 60-year-young teachers. I made the mistake of asking them about their lives.
“How are you guys doing?”
While my 20-year-old students moaned and groaned about not having anyone to hug, this group responded:
“How do you think we’re doing? Lousy!”
The married teachers eagerly added in an effort to explain:
“We’ve got him/her to hug,” pointing at each other.
I've got HER to hug …
Money, work, relationships … the major sources of stress. If not these, then what is it that makes us feel the way we do?
Continuing from the initial exercise, I collect all the “how are you feeling” answers and explain jokingly that those who scored high (1 = excellent, 2 = pretty good) are allowed to leave the class; the rest should stay … because they need me!
My next question relates to the cause:
“Why do you think you are feeling the way you do?”
Some look at me puzzled. Others rush to answer. Replies are usually attempts to offer reasons (excuses), such as:
“I haven’t had my first coffee yet. I haven’t slept well or enough. I have relationship problems. I am too busy/overworked, tired, drained, shuttered, wiped out, worn out, exhausted.”
To these complaints, I exclaim:
“Well, what about the weather? You forgot the weather! Doesn’t the weather affect our mood?”
“Of course,” they hasten to add, agreeing and nodding positively. And they wonder: “How could we have forgotten about the weather?”
Does the weather really affect us?
Well, I usually feel miserable and unhappy. However, when the weather is good my mood changes. I feel … unhappy and miserable. – Arkas
Personal observations indicate that the same individuals who whinge about the weather in winter “Damn! It is cold and it’s raining again. They promised me it would not rain!”, also complain in the spring and summer “Whew! I cannot stand the heat; I am fed up, what lousy weather! Must be the bloody greenhouse effect.”
As we will see later on, the weather can indeed affect our mood. Yet, those who complain have not realized that they can change the weather. Have you? No? Then hang on in there a while.
The next question I ask participants, and now you my dear readers, is:
“Okay, how long do you think you will remain in the present state and mood?”
“… Huh? … Well, I guess until the problems are resolved.”
“What if you never get the job you deserve, or the house, or the car of your dreams? Will you carry on complaining, being negative and unhappy for the next 10, 20, or 30 years? Let me know, so I can find someone else to hang out with.”
Dead silence …
The silence that follows gives me the impression that I have made my point. However, there is still work to be done. Stay with me.
Like you, I have often wondered about the real factors that affect the way we feel. I think I have come up with a good answer. You can read about it later on, in the section that refers to stress management techniques (Chapter 5).
WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT?
Put your thinking hat on:
“What’s more important: how much money we have, how much knowledge we have, or how we feel?”
When I had to answer the above question while reading Dr Wayne Dyer’s9 book, I found myself thinking, mouth wide open:
“How true! What am I supposed to do with millions, if in the effort to acquire them, I lose my health, I allow my relationships to deteriorate, feel bad about myself, and have no fun and waste my life?”
What would you wish more for your kids and loved ones: money and knowledge, or the ability to live a good and healthy life, with wonderful relationships, festivities, fanfares, joy, laughter, and happiness?
Although the first two elements (money and knowledge) appear significant, it really does not matter how much knowledge and cash I accumulate if I cannot feel good about myself and the people around me. By the way, I believe that feeling good (psychologically and physically) can assist tremendously in acquiring both knowledge and money. For instance, children who feel good about themselves and others in class will be more motivated to study hard.
If we all agree that feeling good is more important than either money or knowledge outright, then where are the lessons, alongside geography, history, math, and all the other useful and useless classes we have to take, that teach us how to manage our emotions? Wouldn’t it be great if in school or at university, apart from all the skills and broad-scoped knowledge, they also taught us techniques on how to feel good when things are not going so well? Had we been taught what to do to manage stress and negative emotions, we would not need to rush to the nearest psychologist for support.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined! – Samuel Goldwyn
How high is Mount Olympus?
For a worrying number of years, I have been waiting for someone to ask me the height of Mount Olympus. I have chiselled this piece of knowledge deep into my memory, as required by my primary school teacher.
“Olympus is 2,917 meters high. You’d better remember that well!”
But, is it really so important to know the height of the famous Mount Olympus?
Possibly. General knowledge is at least … generally useful. Yet no one has yet asked me its height and I certainly cannot say that this piece of knowledge has proved useful so far. I am still waiting patiently though. Someone will eventually ask me, won’t they? Then I will be able to tell them:
“Ha! At last! I have been waiting for you all my life. It is 2,917 meters high, sir. Yes sir. That’s how high Mount Olympus is.”
It could happen soon; if not today then someday. My hopes were high in 2004, during the Athens Olympics.
“Maybe someone will make the connection,” I thought, “and ask me.”
Now that the Olympics have been and gone, I guess it has become even less likely.
Please do not misunderstand me. I am not arguing that encyclopaedic knowledge is useless. Far from it. Among other things I have learnt, the following not only assist me in putting things into the right perspective, but I still hold on to the belief that they could actually prove useful facts to know someday:
– The United States bought Alaska from Russia for $7.2 million, i.e., for less than two cents per acre, and Manhattan from the Indians for 24 dollars. We learn from history! (Perhaps I should invest in unexplored frozen territories. Who knows, maybe in 50 years I will be really rich.)
– When flocks of bats leave a cave, they always turn left before flying off. (I haven’t verified the validity of this statement, but just to be