HONEST DIALOGUE
Presence, Common Sense and Boundaries when You Want to Help Someone
Bent Falk
Jessica Kingsley Publishers
London and Philadelphia
CONTENTS
4It is less complicated than you think
6Good help is help towards self-help
7When, as the helper, you don’t know what to say or do, that is what you should say or do
8Don’t let having a problem turn into a problem
9Boundaries constitute contact
10You cannot change what you do not accept
11The consolation is that there is no consolation
12The person in distress does not need consolation, but love
13Life is neither fair nor unfair
14Blame
15Forgiving does not undo the damage done
16And or but
17Helping through dialogue
III.Examples
18The meaning
19Expanding on the concept of meaning
20Possible new answers
21Commentary to the “new” answers
References
Bibliography
PREFACE
This book was originally commissioned by the Danish Nursing Association and first published in 1996 in Danish. Its background, still apparent in some places, was my work as a hospital chaplain and teacher of student nurses where I was working at the time, the St. Luke Hospital in Copenhagen, and at other hospitals and nursing schools in Denmark and the other Nordic countries. In subsequent editions, the book’s scope was expanded because it had also become popular among professional helpers outside the hospital world, such as teachers, clergy and attorneys.
Readers of the book say their interest is in its grounding in practice, with role play and examples that are easily recognizable from their own working experiences. At the same time, it has a clearly stated theoretical foundation. It is Gestalt therapeutic, that is, phenomenological, existential, and dialogical. Phenomenological means: with an emphasis on perception and a distinction between perception and interpretation. Existential means: with an emphasis on awareness leading to responsible choices. Dialogical means: exploring rather than lecturing and inviting rather than invading. I have made a determined effort to explain these concepts in a way that makes their practical implications clear, while being aware that I have not been able to exhaust the subject in the limited space available.
The present English edition is based on my own translation—or, rather, rewriting—of the Danish text. It was proofread and polished by my classmate from Wittenberg University (Ohio) and life-long friend, Janice Miriam Schiestl, M.A., Senior Lecturer, Department of English Studies, Innsbruck University. I cannot thank her enough for her dedicated and tireless effort to clarify what I meant to say and, when necessary, keep me on the straight and narrow path of writing style consistency.
I also want to thank the following:
•My agent and former trainee, Ilse Sand, herself an internationally published writer, who helped establish my contact with Jessica Kingsley Publishers. Her energy and trust in my project has been instrumental in bringing it about.
•My teacher, trainer, and friend, the late Todd Burley, Ph.D. from Gestalt Associates Training, Los Angeles (GATLA), who read an early draft of my English text and encouraged me to go on with it.
•And last, but not least, my patient and always supportive therapist colleague and wife, Inger, who during the months of my intensive work with the English edition, on top of tending to her own practice, was doing my share of what we need to do to keep our household going—feeding me great meals, cleaning, shopping, entertaining, paying the bills, supporting me, and sharing with me a tear of joy or two whenever there was progress.
Hellerup, Denmark
March 21, 2017
I
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Introduction
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1TECHNIQUE OR ATTITUDE
The purpose of this book is to offer a practical approach to what might be called “the technique of dialogue” but would be better termed “the art of dialogue.” The art—facilitated by certain techniques—is to create contact, and contact is established through awareness and authentic presence. This art, like any other skill, must be learned through practice and is learnt most effectively under knowledgeable supervision of that practice. A book on the subject of dialogue helps to prepare for the practical process and for the possible supervision of that process by someone who has the vantage point of not being directly involved in it.
This book advocates an attitude of flexible responsibility, that is, response-ability, guided by a, in the positive sense of the word, naïve awareness. It does not offer absolutely “right” solutions or answers. There is not likely to be one unambiguously right answer to an individual person’s problems, and if there were, such an answer could not be given by someone else independent of the experience of the one asking for guidance. Genuine dialogue is an occurrence (process) of contact between two or more people. It requires surrender to the reality of what is according to the respective perceptions of the people in the encounter at that particular moment in time. That is why no response is always right, and none always wrong. “Always wrong” though, is an attitude of always wanting to “get it right” rather than going with what is spontaneous and real.
The book is intended as an inspiration to awareness about the practice of encounter. Thus, it draws its material from practice. It is based on my Copenhagen-based work as a psychotherapist, teacher, trainer, and supervisor of individual clients and groups, in particular with church and hospital staff. In other words, even though no statement or example in the book is meant to represent the ultimate solution to any patient’s or client’s “problem,” no such statement or example is so unusual or provocative that it has not proven itself useful. It is, therefore, my hope that the book, in its brevity, may raise the awareness, and broaden the range, of possible interventions for the open-minded reader.
2CRISIS