NADZ
Every time I stand in front of a class to deliver The Self-Esteem Team workshop, I shit bricks. My heart races, I need the loo 3,085,435 times beforehand, my hands go clammy, my mouth goes dry and the words don’t come out unless I rely heavily on my notes. But afterwards, when teens come up to me to say I have opened their eyes, made them feel better or have inspired them to seek help, it is worth every nanosecond of enduring that anxiety.
Not talking about my problems is what plunged me into the blackest of depressions and left me battling a self-harm addiction, as I felt I had no one to turn to. I was afraid telling someone would go one of two ways: being dismissed and told to ‘pull myself together’ or being locked up in a psychiatric unit. There was also the small fact that I didn’t actually want to get better. Other classmates were good at guitar, or football, or getting straight As; I was ‘good’ at being ill. No matter how hard it is, I now know being open on mental health is the first step to getting well again.
It is still uncomfortable to speak about what happened to me and the words sound ugly and fucked-up coming out. I can’t tell you what went through my head as I picked up the scissors that very first time on a random day in Year 7 but I can tell you that it shut out all the chaos for just one moment. It silenced the bullies. It made the difficulties at home magic into nowhere. It allowed me to cry without tears. While I didn’t understand it at the time (I still struggle to), it seemed to externalise what was going on inside. Yet what I romanticised as the ‘friend’ that helped me was also the devil that stole me. It took away my voice, leaving me stuck on a merry-go-round of bottling things in and bleeding them out. And so, for a very, very long time, I spoke through my skin because I couldn’t find the right words.
Things began turning around for me when I went to uni. I accepted that I needed therapy and began taking anti-depressants properly, not just for a month here or there then being too drunk to turn up at the doctor for my next prescription. I started to use writing as a way to let the feelings out and also learned to use my body in a positive, rather than negative, way to express myself; experimenting with clothes, tattoos, even my hair, to tell my story. While bright-pink dye may look like a symbol of confidence, for me it represents loneliness. It’s my way of saying I don’t fit in – a version of raising the barriers before people get to me.
When I landed a job as a showbiz journalist for Britain’s best-selling tabloid, it was beyond a dream. Not just because my career took me to the bright lights of Hollywood, or interviewing celebs, or raving at music festivals, but because it was the ultimate tool of self-belief, as I had found a thrill in writing and started carving out my own niche in life.
Yet it’s being part of The Self-Esteem Team that is greater than walking any red carpet or drinking a free bottle of champagne at an awards ceremony; the chance to share my experiences and reach out to teenagers who are struggling with feelings they find difficult to communicate and deal with.
No matter how stubborn I am in sentimentalising self-harm as something that ‘helped’ me – and no matter how reluctant I am in having had to give it up – it was only recovery that saved me from myself. It can still be a steep hill to climb but I try to wear my scars with pride. They are a part of me, something I picked up along life’s journey, part of my story. But I know I cherished self-harm more than it ever did me. Now, I hope to speak for all the young people out there who feel like they aren’t ‘cool’ enough, to show you positive and creative ways to stick two fingers up at your demons, whatever they may be.
Here goes…
IF I HAVE HIGH SELF-ESTEEM, WILL I BECOME ARROGANT?
GRACE
I’ve been thinking about this question of arrogance for a few weeks (well, longer because we’re asked it a lot). I’ve been thinking about it while I’m on the bus or in supermarkets or in dance class (I nearly fell over in class actually because I wasn’t concentrating on my feet enough… in fact, I fall over quite a lot *blush*) and every time I think about it, the answer that comes into my head is: ‘No, you won’t, it doesn’t work like that. Just… no.’
But I realise that’s not really enough of an answer, so try this…
High self-esteem is really easy to spot when you know what it looks like but it’s also really easy to confuse for other stuff when you don’t – a bit like love. True love is kind, caring, freeing and not jealous. Infatuation can look a lot like love but it’s completely different. It is caring, to a point, but it’s restricting instead of freeing and it is jealous beyond belief. This analogy is almost exactly the same as self-esteem vs. arrogance.
People who possess self-esteem are able to be kind and caring to others because they know that doing that won’t mean they have any less kindness and care for themselves. They feel free to be themselves but not to impose that on other people and, most of all, they are not jealous, because they have no need to be – difference is exciting to them and unintimidating. Yes, that person may be hotter than me and have qualities I don’t possess but that works both ways. I’ll have qualities that they don’t and that’s enough for me to know I have value.
When you feel that way, there’s no need to put anybody else down or prove your worth in a room.
It’s also important to remember that high self-esteem rarely happens by accident. It’s a safe bet that someone with loads of it has had to go on a bit of a journey in order to acquire it (and they’ll constantly be doing things to maintain it too), so they can normally empathise and see things from someone else’s point of view.
I could ramble on like this endlessly because there are so many reasons why arrogance and self-esteem are completely different. But for now, I’ll just say ‘No, you won’t because it just doesn’t work like that,’ and hand over to Nadz…
NADZ
If Self-Esteem and Arrogance were people, they’d probably hang out in the same circles and know the same folk but they wouldn’t be close. Arrogance would be pals with Cocky, Ego and Smug, while Self-Esteem would be mates with Hope, Positivity and Fuck-Yeah. While both parties seem to be on a yellow-brick road to confidence, there is a glaring difference: Self-esteem smiles, Arrogance smirks.
Having self-esteem then catapulting into arrogance territory is about as likely as Kim Kardashian surrendering selfies forever. Ain’t gonna happen. Self-esteem means having self-awareness, liking yourself but also having respect for others. It means knowing you still have things to learn, listening to other people, being open-minded and optimistic, as well as realistic.
Arrogance, however, lacks self-awareness. It means a disrespect for others, not listening and not learning from people, nor being open-minded. It means being unrealistic, conceited in opinion and pessimistic in outlook, with the arrogant person believing they are always right. In a nutshell, the two are polar opposites.
Just as a self-aware person is unlikely to be struck by arrogance, the arrogant person is unlikely to have self-esteem. In fact, they probably have a deep fear of exposing their vulnerability (something the person with self-esteem would not mind, as they understand it doesn’t make them look weak). It teeters on bully mentality; putting others down to big themselves up. Think of a cyberbully: the arrogance they have to lash out online may make them seem confident but it’s highly unlikely they have much self-esteem if they have to slate others.
Also, self-esteem