* * * *
Lauren’s makeup was spread out in a vast confusion across the bathroom vanity when I walked into our motel room just after five PM that afternoon.
She wore a peach-colored slip, and her hair had obviously been styled at a salon. Her finger and toenails were colored a darker peach than the slip. Summer color.
As soon as I walked in, a radiant smile lit up her lovely, perfect face, and she was in my arms a second later. She smelled like Chloe and Calvin Klein’s Escape because, of course, she hadn’t been able to choose between them. I’d thought I’d been so clever. I’d gone through her suitcase before we’d left and taken out all but two perfumes—one for day, one for evening. I should have known she’d wear them both.
“I thought you’d left. When I came back to the room this morning, your bed wasn’t slept in, and I thought you walked out.” She burrowed her soft face into my shoulder and, as I hugged her, I thought how inverse our relationship was. She was more like the child and I, the mother. It had been that way since my teens, and that aspect hadn’t changed in the past two months, even though I’d desperately wanted it.
Oh, for a mother I could confide in. What would it be like to have one who would listen to my woes and thoughts and hopes and offer advice, comfort, understanding? All Lauren ever did was look to me to fix things, to approve, to give sanctuary. I did those things ungrudgingly, but I wished sometimes our roles were reversed.
I was also a little weirded out she’d spent the night with Jason Allerton. Thoughts of their naked bodies entwined in passion made me strangely uncomfortable. Lauren having sex didn’t bother me. No, Lauren having sex with Jason Allerton was the issue. What did he look like without his Armani suit and tie? Did he drop his authoritative, commanding personality in bed? Was he strictly a missionary position kind of guy, or did he like to experiment?
I squeezed my eyes shut and banished that shit straight out of my mind.
When I opened them, Lauren had tears in her eyes that turned them nearly purple. She looked so goddamn young and vulnerable in her lacy peach slip and bare feet, her hair twisted up into a breezily perfect updo that had taken at least an hour to arrange.
My heart contracted the way it always did when she looked at me like that.
“Silly, did you really think I’d miss your bonding ceremony?” When I hugged her, I dropped the three shopping bags in my hands. The first two contained a new dress for tonight and shoes to match. The third bag held my cocktail dress from last night. After I’d left Ron-or-Don’s apartment, I’d gone to the Providence Place mall, straight to Gap for a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Then I’d gone to Victoria’s Secret.
A new pair of Skechers had replaced the silver evening shoes, which were in the bag with the shoes that paired with my new dress.
Shopping, especially for shoes, cleared my head of all the crap that haunted me since the moment I’d opened my eyes in Ron-or-Don’s bed.
At least until I’d walked into the motel room and had to face everything again. That’s the problem with shopping. The stores eventually closed, and I had to go home.
Now I needed a shower and time to pull myself together before the ceremony at seven, and Lauren would need me to reassure her and help with her makeup and…
Breathless, I contemplated the depth and complexity of my selfishness. What did it matter what I looked like tonight? She was going to bond with Jason. They were going to start a new life together. And I ran out on them the night before.
My cell phone was full of both voice and text messages, mostly from Lauren, although Scott and Faith both left a few. A notable exception was Jason Allerton. He was royally pissed at me, I guessed. Big deal. I was furious with him, so we were even.
“You don’t want me to bond with him.” Lauren’s voice was subdued, and she walked away from me so she could look out the motel window at the shore beyond. I wanted to remind her she was in her slip, but I bit the inside of my cheek. I wasn’t her mother, no matter how much she looked to me for support. She was fifty-eight years old, even if she didn’t look much past thirty. She could decide for herself if she wanted to stand in front of an open window in her damn underwear.
“Lauren, are you sure this is what you want to do? You don’t have to, you know.”
“Oh, but, Stanzie, I do!” She turned away from the window with such exquisite happiness on her face I took an involuntary step back. I had never seen Lauren Newcastle look like this before. “Jason is the kindest, gentlest and most understanding man I’ve ever met. I want to be with him. Every minute I spend with him I just keep thinking how much I like him. How much I want to show him who I am. I feel like I’m eighteen years old and back in Aspenmoon with my family. Happy.
“Do you ever think about a time in your life when you were so happy you couldn’t even imagine what anything else felt like? When unhappiness was missing your favorite television show because you’d stayed outside in the twilight too long chasing lightning bugs with your twin sister?” She giggled. In that moment, she was heartbreakingly beautiful.
“I know you don’t have a twin sister, but you know what I mean, don’t you?”
Murphy’s face flashed before my eyes, damn him, and my eyes burned. I had to nod because I couldn’t speak. Lauren didn’t notice. She was too caught up in her own feelings.
“I can’t wait to leave Massachusetts and go to Montana. I’ve never been farther than Louisiana, and that was just for a week. Jason says the forests there are deep and dark and the streams are so clear you can see your wolf’s reflection if you stand still. And it tastes sweet and pure, and it’s so cold it freezes your tongue, even in July. Can you imagine, Stanzie?”
I thought the forests in New England were wild and wonderful places, but I wouldn’t say that to her. I tried to imagine this conversation she’d had with Jason about the forests in Montana. He’d never once even referred to his pack or his home in all the talks we’d had together.
I’d known he was from Silverlake because it was the premiere pack in America, even if it wasn’t the oldest. He was one of the most influential and powerful Councilors in the United States and among the youngest ever appointed. He’d joined the Great Council when he’d been only forty-seven, which was nearly unheard of in the Pack.
He’d been an Advisor from the age of twenty-four and Alpha of Silverlake at twenty-six. He’d served on the First Midwestern Regional Council for ten years before joining the Great Council.
Someday he would head the Great Council, I was confident.
All the things I knew about Jason Allerton’s life, I’d learned from Murphy or picked up through the Pack grapevine. He’d never shared much about himself with me, and I’d never questioned that. I’d been too busy looking up to him as a father figure to ask him anything about himself.
I bowed my head. Tonight I’d vowed to suck it up and stand behind Lauren as she joined with Jason. I’d planned to put aside my reservations and fury and be there for her, even if I couldn’t believe she did the right thing.
Now I was ashamed of myself. For two months she’d been falling in love, and I’d only seen a woman who couldn’t make a decision. A woman I wanted to morph into a responsible, nurturing mother who would make me feel as if I mattered as my life slowly fell to pieces around me.
So goddamn selfish. I, I, I. Never a thought for her except in terms of how she related to me.
Maybe Jason did care about her. Sure, he’d been on a search for a new bond mate, but perhaps Lauren had been a real candidate, not someone convenient.
He’d only known her for two months and already reached her far more deeply than I had after thirty-two years.
“Wren, I’m going to miss you so much, but I am so glad you’re happy. Of course I want you to bond with Jason.