I tucked my chin beneath my turtleneck sweater in a vain attempt at warmth.
The top of the hedge blocked my view so I couldn’t see what was happening in the courtyard or if everyone had gone into the castle to escape the bitter cold. I didn’t hear shouting. Just the goddamn wind and the relentless cold splash of water into the fountain. If only I could go into the castle. Fires would be burning in the massive fireplaces and there would be food and hot coffee.
Murphy told me there was a huge room full of mattresses and blankets where the pack orgy took place when it was too cold or rainy to have sex outside in the meadow by the lake. Even though I wanted to be alone with him, I still wished I could be in that room right now. Or I had a hat. Why hadn’t I worn my knit hat to keep my ears from freezing? Or my gloves? Or another shirt under my turtleneck?
Was Siobhan telling the entire pack about my father’s pack bond? At the top of her lungs so nobody was left out of hearing range, not even the kids?
My father’s face mocked me from my mind’s eye. Cold and superior. Handsome. Reddish blond hair, disdainful smile. From the time I’d hit puberty, I’d never been good enough. Nothing I’d done had been right. He’d waited and schemed for the day I’d fall underneath his pack bond. The day he could make me do whatever he wanted.
Just like Colm, Deirdre and Fee would be able to do in a few hours. No, it wouldn’t be like that. Mac Tire was over a hundred members strong and the pack bond would not be potent enough for the Alphas to have absolute control the way my father had over the twenty poor members of Mayflower. Everyone told me that. Only, what if it wasn’t true?
What if my wolf wasn’t the same? What if she felt the yoke of another hated bond and refused to come out ever again? Maybe I would lose her forever because I was fucking stupid enough to willingly take another pack bond. I wasn’t just chaining myself, but enslaving her as well.
Paddy’s funeral had been brutally sad, but my wolf had been perfect. She’d known me and I’d known her. We’d been fused in a way we’d never been before. She completed me in a way I’d never known was possible. I’d wanted so much to be with her again, but Murphy was busy and grief-stricken and nobody would let him alone, so, of course, he hadn’t had time for me or my wolf. I’d been content to wait. Stupid me, I’d forgotten about the damn pack bond. Now it was here and I’d only been with my wolf three times. It wasn’t enough.
* * * *
I was crying when two people sat beside me on the cold bench. I smelled them before I saw them. Colm and Deirdre. Two out of three of my Alphas. Great.
Deirdre wrapped her arms around me and that made me cry even harder. Colm took one of my hands between both of his and squeezed. We sat together until I could stop the waterworks. They were so patient, my heart hurt. Why were they being so good to me? I was a pain in the ass. They didn’t have time for my stupid bullshit. They ought to be mad at me, but instead were comforting and kind.
Gravel crunched beneath someone’s booted feet. I looked up and saw Fee, her face contorted with shame and sorrow. She lowered herself to her knees before me and buried her face in my lap. Her shoulders shook with sobs and I combed my fingers through her wind-snarled hair.
“Don’t cry, Fee.” I’d made my Alpha cry.
“You’re all the time helping me and letting me take over your life and your home. You’re more of a mother to Will than I am. And this is the thanks you get. When you need me, I’m not there, am I?” Fee lifted her tear-stained face to mine and wrapped her fingers around my wrists. “I knew what you went through with that evil bastard father of yours and even last night when you were scared, I told you to suck it up and get over it instead of letting you talk about it like you wanted.”
“I don’t like to talk about it,” I told her. “I haven’t talked about what happened with anybody. Not even Liam, so don’t blame yourself, Fee, please.”
“When she drank the elixir that released her from the pack bond, it hit her hard.” Fee looked at Colm and Deirdre, her eyes wide with shame. “I think because it had never activated in her. She shifted totally on this plane. All the pain intensified. It was horrific, Paddy told me.” She swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand.
“Paddy wasn’t there,” I reminded her. “Nobody from Mac Tire was there.”
“Of course they weren’t, you poor thing, because we’ve been piss-poor pack mates to you. It’s a wonder you still want to belong to us. If Colm and Deirdre had known about this like they should have because I ought to have told them, this hunt wouldn’t be happening like this. They’ve been waiting and waiting for me to be ready to do it and I kept putting them off. This is my fault.”
“I’m sorry, Stanzie.” Colm’s voice was soft and gentle. Totally at odds with his massively muscled body and harsh features. “We’d put this off entirely, but Deirdre needs it and she won’t be able to shift soon. One of the main reasons we want it done is for the babies. They need the help.”
“Is something the matter?” My fears were forgotten and I turned to Deirdre in shock. She was so tiny and Colm was nearly seven feet tall. “You’re having twins?”
“Triplets,” she said and a mix of anxiety and joy crossed her face. “Andrew says I’m going to end up spending at least the last two months on bed rest. This will be the last time I shift.”
“And the pack isn’t recovering from the blow of losing Paddy,” said Colm.
“Because of me. Because I’m not,” Fee whispered. Colm reached out a hand to touch her hair. His expression was affectionate and for a moment he looked like Paddy except with straight, red hair. They were half-brothers, but I’d never seen the resemblance until just now.
“I’m sorry I’m so impatient, Fiona.”
Fee’s mouth twisted. “I’m sorry I’m so awful. I’ve been so mean to you, Colm O’Reilly. And to you too, Deirdre. To everyone.” Tears slid down her cheeks, and Colm got up so he could pull her into his arms. Deirdre stood too and the swell of her pregnant belly made her arms and legs look stick-like. Triplets. Jesus.
She wrapped her arms around Fee from the back and the three Alphas held each other. Which was how it should have been from the start, only Fee hadn’t let them get close.
A measure of scared relief flooded me. I still was afraid of the pack bond, but knew my wolf would want to protect her Alpha and the babies. Even if it meant she wouldn’t be free anymore. Babies were treasures. Every pack member believed that.
This pack bond was not forever. Not thirty years like Paul’s. This triad’s time as Alphas would be up in two years and a new Alpha duo or triad would step up. It might even be me and Murphy. It probably would be unless I completely blew everything and turned the pack against me. Which I just might, if I didn’t stop being a baby about the pack bond.
What would it be like to give the pack bond instead of receive it? I knew I would never, ever abuse it. I looked at Fee, Colm and Deirdre and realized they wouldn’t either.
No, the opportunity for control and domination was slight, but the chance for promoting good will and healing was great. The pack would stop looking to Murphy and start looking to Colm and everyone would move on from the grief.
We wouldn’t be losing Paddy. He was already lost to us. We’d lose the mindless, soul-sucking grief. Maybe even be able to remember him with laughter instead of tears.
Just a few feet away, he’d spilled his life’s blood on the gravel, victim of a stabbing. I’d knelt in his blood