“I’m beginning to.” Sense was returning. She cursed its necessity.
“Ten years ago Julius would have taken you without hesitation, if you’d been willing. I wouldn’t have done it then and I’m not about to do it now. That’s where Julius and I part company. You know why I won’t do it?”
She shook her head, and disappointment flooded every cell, every part of her. He wasn’t going to let her give herself to him.
“Because I like you. And because if we wait, we’ll discover if we’re meant to be, or not. This could be the beginning of a friendship and we could ruin it by plunging into lust. Or it could be something else. Or we might never meet again after this house party.” His smile tensed. “Dammit, don’t look at me like that.”
When he tugged on her hand, she fell off balance and he hauled her into his lap. He threaded his hand into her hair, under the knot she wore during the daytime, dislodging the pins. Strands tumbled down her back, tickling her neck. She met his mouth, open and as ravenous as before.
He moaned, the sound vibrating against her lips, enhancing their closeness, echoing hers to him.
More, she wanted more. She curved her arm around his neck, holding him close, cursing her inexperience that she didn’t know the wiles that would keep him close.
After one deep kiss, he pulled away and stood, only holding her waist until she was steady on her feet. “I find you completely irresistible, which is why I have to resist you.” He drew away, leaving her cold and bereft. “I’ll quit this house soon. I’ve confronted Miss Stobart, told her I have no intention of connecting myself to her. It was uncomfortable, but I needed to do it. Now I must go and tarnish my reputation even further.”
She blinked. “What do you mean?”
“Julius has written to me. He’s done his best to face down the scandal I left in London but Miss Stobart has friends and rumors are spreading, especially since we’re at the same house party.” His lips quirked in a sardonic smile. “I stayed because of you, but you know that, don’t you, Connie?” The smile disappeared. “He suggests I go back to town and flirt with everyone. Flirt to the edge of danger. I can do it without becoming attached and it’s the best way to get the whole affair with La Stobart condemned. Once town witnesses the mood I’m in, its interest will disappear in a welter of different women and they’ll consider her one in a long line. I’ll make sure to keep to the ones who know how to play the game. So I’m off to do my duty.” He got to his feet, gently put her aside and strode to the other side of the table. “Connie, I told you this because I didn’t want to lose your good opinion. Know that I do this for a purpose, not because I wish it. Will you write to me?”
Her wayward spirits soared at the affirmation of his regard for her. “I think not.” Otherwise, her heart might ache too much. A clean break would be harder at first but better later on. She could get on with her life with no residue, nothing to give her a constant reminder of what she could have had. A man who wanted her for herself, not for the land she could bring or the children she could give him. “I’m embarking on my second marriage. This one is practical.”
“And your first one was not?” He was too perceptive, this man, reading between the lines to her true meaning.
Yes, she had loved John once. She met his direct gaze. “Not entirely. But it didn’t work out the way I thought it would, so this time I’m going into the union with practical considerations uppermost. I’ve lived in a small community and I know that kind of existence will not suit me for the rest of my life. Marriage to Jasper will enrich my experience.”
He listened to her, really listened, his gaze intent. He gave a short nod. “You’re right. It will. He’s a man about town, or he fancies himself as such. And London life will suit you. You’re not made for the provinces.”
She thought of her perfectly comfortable life in the north and her utter, utter boredom there. Maybe this interlude was an illusion but she wanted to remember it, put a frame around it and revisit it when she felt better, stronger.
He walked to the door. “I will never forget you. If you ever need a friend, write to me. I will come. Be assured of that. Have a good life, Constance Rattigan. You deserve it. Never expect anything but the best and it will come to you.”
She very much doubted that.
She didn’t watch him leave. Her eyes were clouded with tears, but she forced them down, swallowed and lifted her chin, as she’d always done, facing the world head-on. She would allow herself the indulgence of tears later, if she needed them. Then put the experience behind her, wrap it in gossamer as a precious memory, and let it go.
Jasper arrived the day after Alex’s departure.
Chapter 4
The contract now bore Connie’s signature.
“And here,” said Brigham, her godfather’s man of business.
She signed. And again. Then it was done.
Jasper bent his head and followed suit. Then the two witnesses, Brigham’s assistant and Downholland’s land steward. Their task concluded, the witnesses bowed and left the room.
She would marry Jasper Dankworth. Her life and position settled, just as she’d wanted it. But that was BA. Before Alex.
She should be happy but she could think of nothing but the man who had streaked through her life, not the man standing before her now.
Jasper took her hand and smiled, seemingly delighted. She should be thrilled to marry such a promising prospect.
“You could wed before you leave this house,” Lord Downholland said with a genial smile. “Extend your visit and we can arrange a license for you.” Her godfather, a constant presence in her life, removed his gold-rimmed spectacles and set them on his broad, oak desk, scarred with centuries of use, but the one piece of furniture he refused to relinquish to his wife’s passion for refurbishing the house.
Jasper’s expression dimmed at his lordship’s proposal, his brilliant blue eyes clouding over. “I’m sorry but I have to leave for London tomorrow. I have a business matter that won’t wait.” He turned to his lordship. “I could return but I have another idea. Why don’t you come to London too and we may marry there?”
Lord Downholland heaved a hefty sigh. “I hoped to have this matter settled quickly.” His brow furrowing, then he smiled. “But if you need the time, yes, I believe that would do admirably. If Connie comes to our London house, she could spend a week or two with us first. She can see the town and meet our friends.”
Who wouldn’t be excited at the thought of spending time in London? Even if the man she’d said goodbye to had left the house headed in that direction? But in town there were mantua-makers, toymakers, theatres and balls. That would prove enough stimulation to prevent her dreaming of something she could not have. Or someone doing something. With her.
She gave her godfather a brilliant smile. “I would enjoy that very much.”
Lord Downholland rubbed his hands together. “That is settled, then. We shall visit London in a few weeks, after the assizes.” Her godfather was a local magistrate and had ambitions to become the Lord Lieutenant of the county in time, so he couldn’t excuse himself from that duty.
Her life was about to change. “I should like to go home for a short time. I’ve wound up most of my affairs but one or two matters are still outstanding.”
She needed to bolt home, like a rabbit returning to its burrow. To sleep in her bed on her own, make her own decisions for herself.
Alex had gone and it was as if he’d never been there, except that people still talked about him. It was as if a comet had shot through the house and