I smiled weakly and followed Conchi down the endless hallway. At last we reached our destination. Conchi opened the door to a bathroom straight out of Architectural Digest, gleaming with marble, gold fixtures and light streaming in from overhead skylights. At first I thought she’d taken leave of her senses. Why on earth would she be bringing me to the bathroom? Clearly the woman had been sniffing too many Windex fumes.
“Ms. Austen, I presume?”
I looked over and saw my prospective employer, SueEllen Kingsley, stretched out in a tub so big, it could hold the entire cast of Friends, and still have room left over for Drew Carey.
The first thing I noticed about SueEllen were her boobs. Two perfect pink globes, bobbing in the water like cantaloupes. Later I would notice her tawny hair, her tiny waist, and her fine-boned face with an unlikely smattering of freckles on her nose. But not at first. No, all I saw at first were those incredible boobs.
“Like ‘em?” Sue Ellen asked, following my gaze. “They’re a birthday gift from my husband.”
Talk about a gift for the gal who has everything.
“Hal’s a plastic surgeon. All the stars go to him. He gives great liposuction,” she added, taking a none too discreet glance at my thighs.
I was getting a bit miffed at the way everybody seemed to be taking potshots at my thighs. Okay, so I’m no supermodel, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings.
“That’ll be all, Conchi,” SueEllen said, waving the maid away with her loofa sponge.
Conchi scurried out of the room, like an infantryman trying to stay out of the line of fire.
“Have a seat,” SueEllen said, gesturing to the toilet bowl. I sat down on the toilet lid, crossing my arms over my chest to hide the grease spot on my blouse, and trying not to look as uncomfortable as I felt.
“I hope you don’t mind my interviewing you in the bathroom,” SueEllen said.
“Not at all,” I lied.
“But this is where I work,” she said, washing between her toes. “I get my best ideas in the bathtub.”
“Me, too, actually. It’s where I thought up the slogan for one of my biggest clients, Toiletmasters Plumbers.”
Okay, so Toiletmasters wasn’t exactly a Fortune 500 company. But at the moment, it was the shining star on my résumé.
“In a rush to flush? Call Toiletmasters! You thought of that?”
I nodded modestly; the woman was actually impressed.
“That’s wonderful, honey. I can see you’re just oozing with talent. Have you ever ghostwritten a book?”
“Yes,” I said. “Once.”
“What was it about?”
“Uh, it was sort of a…memoir.”
Please don’t let her ask me what it was called.
“What was it called?”
I took a deep breath, and spat it out. (Sensitive readers may want to skip the following sentence.)
“I Was Henry Kissinger’s Sex Slave.”
“Really?” SueEllen said. “So was I!”
“What?”
“Only kidding,” she said, laughing at her own gag, her incredible breasts bouncing like buoys in the ocean.
“Ha ha,” I managed weakly.
“I suppose you want to know what my book is about.”
“Of course.”
“It’s about entertaining.”
I smiled a genuine smile of relief, grateful that there were no space aliens involved.
“Sounds great.”
“Oh, it will be,” she said, sudsing a long lean cellulite-free thigh. “I don’t know if you’ve ever seen my name in the papers, but I’m just about the most popular hostess on the Beverly Hills party circuit. People kill for invitations to my parties. So now I’m going to share my entertaining secrets with the public. I’ll give recipes and talk about how to hire a caterer and tell all sorts of marvelous anecdotes from my past. I’ve led a very colorful life, you know.”
I didn’t doubt that for a minute.
“So how about it,” she said. “You interested?”
“What exactly did you have in mind as a salary?”
“Three thousand.”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Three thousand dollars isn’t much. After all, the book will take months to write.”
“Not three thousand for the whole book, silly. Three thousand a week.”
Suddenly, the toilet didn’t seem so uncomfortable after all.
Chapter Two
“Three thousand dollars a week?”
My best friend, Kandi Tobolowski, sat across from me at our favorite Mexican restaurant, Pacos Tacos, where everything is defiantly fried in lard, and the combination plates have been known to send healthy men hurtling into cardiac arrest.
Kandi and I have been best friends ever since we met at a UCLA screenwriting course. We hit it off right away, in spite of the fact that she’s reed thin and has fabulous chestnut hair that never frizzes in the rain.
I’d told her all about my new job with SueEllen Kingsley, and now we were celebrating.
“Three thousand a week?” she said. “That’s fantastic.”
“I know,” I said, flagging down a passing waiter.
“Garçon,” I called out. “Give me a bottle of your very best champagne.”
The guy looked at me like I was nuts.
“We don’t have champagne, señorita.”
“Then bring us a pitcher of your very best margaritas.”
He nodded and headed off to the bar.
“Can you believe it?” I said, scooping a wad of guacamole onto a chip. “All I have to do is write down a couple of recipes, throw in a few anecdotes, and I bring home three thousand a week!”
“That’s great news, sweetie,” Kandi said. “But I’ve got even better news for you.”
“What could be better than three thousand dollars a week?”
“Tommy the Termite wants to go out with you!”
“Tommy the Termite? Who on earth is that? Sounds like a mafia hitman.”
“No, silly. He’s an actor from my show.”
Kandi is a writer for the animated cartoon series Beanie & The Cockroach. For those of you lucky enough to have never seen it, it’s a stirring saga about a chef named Beanie and his pet cockroach, Fred.
“His name is Ted Lawson. He’s very cute, and apparently he’s just broken up with his girlfriend.”
“Sorry, Kandi,” I said. “But I’m not dating an actor/insect.”
I scooped up another glob of guacamole, while Kandi took a tiny bite off the corner of a chip. Which is why Kandi wears a size six, and I wear a size—well, never mind what size I wear. Let’s just say it’s somewhere in the double digits.
“What am I going to do with you, Jaine? You sit alone in your apartment night after night, and when opportunity