III
Fear Is a Four-Letter Word
You can’t make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen. We just weren’t raised that way.
—First Lady Michelle Obama
Fear is a strong emotion. How you deal with your fears can be a powerful tool. As we are on life’s journey, many of us fear change. Going from the care of your parents to being on your own to becoming a parent are common fearful milestones in a young woman’s life. Due to our varied experiences as women, fear can come much earlier in life or much later, but how we learn to deal with our fears is one of the greatest lessons we will learn in life.
Learning to face your fears is something that we learn as women through trial and error. Sometimes we are forced to face our fears. Whether it’s the loss of our innocence or the fear of the unfamiliar, we are forced by the evolutionary power of change to face our fears. We’re not talking about phobias, but everyday fears that are a part of life. What comes to mind is an anxiety disorder related to fear known as agoraphobia. People with agoraphobia fear being in places they cannot easily get out of, causing panic attacks. Agoraphobics are depicted in the media as people who don’t leave their homes due to fear of the outside world. While this is a clinically diagnosed disorder, we think of this fear as paralyzing, crippling, and limiting for the person, a total disconnect from the outside world due to a fear beyond their control. If you think about this in a rational manner, you may not be able to understand the fear that an agoraphobe bears. You may be thinking of all they are missing: the sunshine on their face, the smell of fresh-cut grass, the bustling pulse of a big city, the joy in meeting new people in person, and the list goes on and on. You have a point, but let’s understand that their fear is beyond their control and the person with agoraphobia has to learn to cope with their fears with the help of a trained professional or suffer alone in silence.
Our fears may not be as extensive as that of an agoraphobe, but they can be just as limiting. As we have traveled the world speaking to women, we have discovered that fear has been a crippling factor in why many haven’t pursued their dreams. We also found that tied to fear was low self-esteem due to many young women being told they weren’t good enough. So instead of proving the naysayers wrong, they were too scared to find out the truth for themselves. They just believed the negative words they heard. Not that different from the agoraphobe.
The old saying “Nothing beats a failure but a try” comes to mind for us when we think of fear. The basis for fear is the failure to cope with the unexpected. To be able to not only cope, but to succeed in dealing with the unknown is the triumphant moment that we participate in every day. By recognizing those triumphant moments and feeling a sense of joy in the little things we conquer on a daily basis, we are able to face and cope with the larger fears. As women of color, we need to know that anything is possible for us as long as we believe in ourselves. The following women are here to let you know that they have faced some of their fears and have come out stronger and more capable of dealing with any other challenges that may come their way. Read, take notes, and know you are not alone.
I AM BIGGER THAN MY FEARS
By Quintrecia Lane
From childhood to late adolescence, I would often experience emotional highs and lows that would put me in a dark and gloomy place. Although I did not have the words or the awareness to articulate or understand what was happening to me at that time, I now realize that I was having depressive episodes and that I was prone to slipping into these states without reason or explanation. These episodes of depression were overwhelming to both me and my family. They would heighten negative emotions and insecurities that I had within me and they shaped my perception of myself. I preferred not to be seen or heard. I was also embarrassed about who I was.
A lot of my fears and insecurities stemmed from me judging and comparing myself to others who I felt were better than me. I constantly thought I couldn’t possibly be as brilliant, beautiful, and talented as they were. I was so used to functioning in my dysfunctions that I didn’t know any other way of being. My dysfunctions became the closest things to me, so much so that the pain I felt and my sense of being were inseparable. I moved through life like a lifeless being, always looking for an escape. I found these escapes by removing myself from settings where I would have to interact or compete with others my age. This happened in school and other social settings.
Trying to cope with the many highs and lows of my depression was a task I never thought I could handle. I didn’t want to live in reality because I didn’t feel strong enough to deal with what I was truly feeling. Emotionally, I felt out of control and like a burden to those I loved. I hated feeling like the negative one and would often end up feeling guilty for not being what I considered “good enough.” I was ashamed of who I was becoming and I desperately wanted to feel normal. Sometimes I would wish to be someone else, someone I considered to be better than myself. I allowed depression to take over my life, and this led to stagnation, procrastination, and sickness in every aspect of my existence.
It wasn’t until I told myself “I am bigger than my depression!” that I finally saw who I was. I remember the day I decided to free myself from the person I didn’t want to be anymore. I drew a picture of the “me” I didn’t want to see anymore. After I drew the picture of her, I cried for her and told her that she could transform. Within a moment in time, I saw someone beautiful and enlightened and no longer felt the burdens of the old person I was. For once I didn’t fear being seen or heard, and I could relax and enjoy life. Every moment after that became a moment to celebrate who I was. Spirituality, ritual, and prayer became the foundation of my life. Every day I would affirm my greatness. I began putting myself back together piece by piece and started educating myself about the power of feminine divinity. I taught myself how to love myself and studied the ways of powerful goddesses from around the world. I learned how to embrace my flaws and share who I was with others.
The journey toward self-preservation was one that took time, patience, and willpower. In the midst of my confusion, I didn’t know how I would end my despair. I couldn’t see the brighter side to life, but I was determined to find it. Now that I am free from the turmoil of my earlier years, I know that anything is possible and that it’s never too late to transform. I am able to see the beauty in life and myself, and that is the greatest thing I’ve gained from my experience. The greatest thing that I have gained from this experience is that now I am able to see the beauty of life and the greatness that lies within me. I am glad to relay this message of hope to other young ladies like me. You can overcome anything.
Quintrecia Lane is a twenty-one-year-old Brooklyn resident who is a singer, belly dancer, performance artist, and aspiring writer. She shares her gift of artistry with the community by performing at various venues across the New York City greater metropolitan area.
MY FATHER’S ABSENCE
By Crissinda Ponder
Nearly eight years had passed by since the last time I saw him, and now I was on the way to see the man who still manages to call himself my father. He continuously failed to realize that being a father entails being more than a sperm donor. Despite his fear of my mother obtaining his personal information, he finally decided to disclose his place of residence to me when I called his cell one random day and declared that I was coming over.
Sharing his childhood with both parents and five siblings, he did not experience the effects of a broken home. He met my mother at age twenty-one. Although the two were unwed and unstable, I came along one pregnancy term later. Within the first year of my life, he left, never to return.
On that late December evening that I drove up the interstate to his apartment, a combination of thoughts raced through my mind, and all at once, I felt every emotion possible. There were so many things that I wanted to say to him, but I could never build up the courage to open my mouth. Although I did not see him regularly, I was still intimidated by his indifference and angered by his inconsideration.
I never understood why he did not want to be in my life or what I could have possibly done to make him run away. Though