“Fiona is newly divorced. It is a widely publicized fact that Fiona’s husband was screwing around. Don’t pretend to be surprised, ladies, they all do it at some point. Well, not my husband.” Everyone in the room laughed at her exaggerated denial. “But then Fiona doesn’t know how to please a man like I do.” Everyone laughed harder at the joke, including me…because believe me, it was a joke.
“Some of us feel that Fiona should have known a long time before she actually admitted it to herself that Wilson was cheating on her. Right now, ladies, we will review the goings-on the last few months of her marriage in something we will call ‘Fiona, you should have known he was cheating when…’” Nicole took a good look at me before continuing. I could tell she was trying to make sure that I was okay with her little game. I was, so I smiled into my glass and nodded my head for her to go on.
“I’ll start and then I’ll open the floor to you, ladies.” She cleared her throat dramatically to signify the start of the game. She shook her head, feigning sadness. “Fiona, you should have known he was cheating when he came back from his fraternity reunion and you found condoms in his luggage. He told you that the condoms weren’t for him, but for the brothers who didn’t practice safe sex. Whenever he saw one of them going off with some skeezer, he would offer them one. When he offered you up that bullshit, you should have known he was cheating.”
There was more laughter in the room before Lenny, another long-term friend, spoke up. “You should have known he was cheating when you woke up one night and discovered him having phone sex in the kitchen.” The laugher continued as more women said their two cents’ worth.
“You should have known he was cheating when you found that black bra and panty set in his briefcase and he told you he didn’t know how it got there.”
“You should have known he was cheating when you found a receipt in his pocket showing that he had bought women’s underwear on his credit card and he told you that his secretary had started her period at work and he let her use his credit card to buy what she needed instead of letting her go home.” The “should have known’s” got more outrageous. And I was laughing so hard that tears were running down my cheeks.
“You should have known he was cheating when his secretary called you at home and said, ‘Are you stupid, bitch? I’m fucking yo’ husband.’”
“You should have really known he was cheating when you received a certified package in the mail from the secretary. The note said, Enclosed you will find a picture of me fucking yo’ husband, and the picture was of her fucking yo’ husband!”
“You should have known he was cheating on you when you asked him, and he said, ‘Baby, I would never cheat on you.’”
“You finally did know he was cheating when you walked into his office and said, ‘What the hell are you two doing?’ and the secretary looked up and said, ‘We’re screwing, what does it look like?’” It took about ten to fifteen minutes for everyone who had something to say to say it. I don’t know if it had something to do with the unusually large volume of champagne that I had consumed, but that shit was funny to me. Not all of it had actually happened, but enough of it had happened to prove the saying “Hindsight is 20/20.” I was not the only one in the room doubled over with laughter.
After the last “You should have known,” Nicole brought the focus back to her. “You know we love you, girl.” She wiped tears of laughter from her eyes before continuing. She held out her hand for me to join her in the center of the room. When I was able to get myself together I did.
“Fiona, you’ve been through a lot these last several months, and you have handled yourself with grace. In other words, you’ve kept it together. You’ve kept your sense of humor, your figure, and your sanity. I hope that if I am ever in a similar situation that I can pull off a Fiona.” We hugged each other tight, like the sisters that we were. When we let each other go, she reached over and took a red basket from a nearby table.
“We have a surprise for you. Since this is the start of your new and lucky life, we bought you some lottery tickets.” And one by one the ladies in the room came to the center and dropped their tickets into the basket. It was like the way some offerings were orchestrated in the Baptist church. Every one of the ladies gave me a hug, and several whispered words of encouragement in my ear. It felt wonderful to be on the receiving end of so much love.
I noticed at that point that a couple of men were disassembling the buffet, and that my sister, Ramona, had not thrown a lottery ticket into the basket, nor had she given me a hug. I clapped my hands gleefully when Nicole handed me the basket. I shouted out a general thank you to everyone in the room. It was getting late, so some of my guests started to leave. I went for a refill again and Nicole followed me.
“I can see I’m going to have to drive you home.”
“No, you don’t; I’m calling a cab. I’ll get my car in the morning.”
“But what if someone breaks in?”
Before I could respond, Ramona walked up to say her good-byes. My sister was an attractive woman; at one point she had been very attractive, but since her divorce her expression had remained perfectly sour.
“I’m out of here, Fee. I rode with Beverly and she’s ready to go.” She didn’t try to hug me.
“Ramona, Fee is taking a cab home…can you drive her truck to your house and let her pick it up tomorrow? I don’t want her to leave it here overnight.” From my champagne haze I saw that Ramona’s face became more sour.
“I don’t like to drive other people’s cars.”
“She’s your sister, for God’s sake.”
Ramona rolled her eyes at Nicole and squinted her eyes at me as she spoke. “So long as you know that if something happens to your truck while it’s in my possession I’m not responsible.” I smiled and let the champagne continue to work its magic. Ramona snapped at me when I didn’t say anything. “Well, give me the keys.” I fumbled in my small Louis Vuitton bag for the keys to my new BMW X5. When I found them, I took my door key from the ring and dropped it back into my bag.
“Hurry up, Fee, I have somebody waiting for me at home.”
Nicole looked at her in disbelief. “You’re seeing someone, Ramona?”
My sister snatched the keys out of my hand before responding to Nicole’s question. “As a matter of fact, I am. His name is Derrick and he’s very good to me.” I almost choked on the hard laughter that bubbled up in my throat. Ramona narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “Is there something funny, Fee?”
“No, I’m happy for you, Ramona. I’ll have to have the two of you for dinner.”
“Don’t bother, and don’t bother calling me to pick you up for work tomorrow. You can pick your car up after six. And happy divorce.” She adjusted her black top and went over to where Beverly was standing, presumably to tell her that she wouldn’t be riding home with her.” Nicole and I watched her black slacks move across the room.
“Your sister is something else. I can’t believe she found a man who’s willing to put up with her attitude.” My laugh was more like a giggle. I was really feeling the champagne by then. The bubbles were tickling my insides and I didn’t care that I had a silly grin on my face.
“You are so drunk. I’m going to take these lottery tickets home with me…. You’d probably leave the winning ticket in the cab.” She wrapped her arm around my waist and led me to the other end of the room. “I have something else for you.” People continued to break down the buffet, and while most of my guests were leaving, others continued to sit or stand around and talk.
I was tipsy not drunk, so I noticed everything around me. I didn’t complain about the fact that there were men at my “all-girl party” because both of the men working in the room had strong-looking asses.