Insomnia was a dreaded enemy for me and had obvious spinoff effects. I was exhausted the next day when I didn’t, or couldn’t, sleep restfully at night. Being tired greatly affected my concentration and performance levels with work and school. There were times I would have to ask for someone to repeat a question or thought, simply because I had missed it. While there are over-the-counter sleep aids available from your local pharmacy, consider other, more natural options before you begin relying on medication to soothe you to sleep.
Options that helped me sleep included avoiding eating half an hour to one hour prior to bedtime, using heavier curtains to darken my bedroom, and going to bed at the same time each night. I also experimented with a sleep hypnosis CD, which proved to be somewhat effective. You could also try turning down your heat or opening the window to allow your bedroom to become more chilled.
If you must have something to drink, avoid alcohol. Instead, sip a relaxing non-caffeinated herbal tea before turning in for the night. Try meditating or practicing yoga. While I briefly considered wearing earplugs to bed so as to block any outside noise and encourage me to doze, I realized that those earplugs could also block the ringing telephone, calling me to immediate duty. Move the television set out of your bedroom as well. Watching disturbing movies or news will not help you get a peaceful sleep.
You can also help yourself get much-needed rest by replacing an aging mattress or box spring. An effective mattress should be firm enough to provide support, yet still be comfortable. An older bed frame will also squeak whenever you move during the night, thus potentially keeping you awake. If cost is an issue, regularly flip your mattress over and invest in a good pillow.
Furthermore, when the human body is worn down, it becomes more prone to sickness. While I am no doctor, I fully recognize the importance of self-care for a caregiver and, even long after my parents are gone, I still preach this concept. It can be a very tired cliché, but it rings true nontheless: How can you care for someone else if you cannot care for yourself? I will repeat that continuously throughout this book. Nothing is more vital. When you are sick, you are little or absolutely no use to your loved one. In fact, when you are physically with your parents, you will pose a greater risk to them as germs may transfer.
Remember, your parents and their neighbours in care facilities are older and have weaker immune systems than you. If you are ill, it is not a time to be visiting. You will be more of a hindrance than a help. Quarantine yourself until you are better. If you must visit, wash your hands before and after you visit. You can also keep a bottle of hand sanitizer in your vehicle’s glove compartment.
You may also feel depressed. This is a natural response, and you should not be ashamed of this. While a particular disease may be out of your complete scope of understanding, whatever you can do as a caregiver is very much appreciated. You are only human. As a caregiver, you cannot dart into the nearest telephone booth to change into your “superhuman” costume! With doing whatever you can, you are remaining realistic as well as helping both your loved one and the care staff involved.
Caregiving most often falls on the shoulders of a daughter. By their assumed nature, women are perceived to be more nurturing and make very good caregivers. Therefore, as a male, I was more of a rarity; but males are just as capable of providing care for a loved one. Thankfully, this understanding is becoming more socially acknowledged.
One must recognize and appreciate that the types and levels of care will differ between men and women. Celebrate these differences and allow for caregivers to function where they feel most comfortable. Men are equally able to serve as a guardian or trustee, to deliver a meal, to drive a senior to a medical appointment, or to accompany a loved one on a walk. Society has long portrayed the man as the strong provider; however, it is important to recognize that men have feelings too. While a man may hide his tears in public, he is equally able to cry. If you are a male caregiver, do not bottle up your emotions.
When I found myself bottling up my feelings, I compared myself to a pressure cooker — where the lid could pop off at any time without notice. In other words, bottling may lead a person to blow up in anger at the most inopportune moments and at someone who may not understand your situation. Find an outlet to reduce the stress. While I never found a support group strictly for male caregivers, I did ensure I found other means to relax. I shared with my sisters, I read, I went to the gym, and I went for long walks.
While caregiving is not all turmoil, you must find something that works for you as an escape. You cannot burn the candle at both ends for long before the candle burns through. Take some time for you and never feel guilty for doing so. This is far easier said than done; however, you will retain your own sanity and not become a martyr.
One of the best things you can do for yourself and for your loved one is to watch for your own signs of stress or other unusual reactions. Pay attention to your own body and note when someone remarks that you are acting out of the ordinary. Monitor these observations and record them on paper so you will not forget them. If things become unbearable, see your family doctor for a medical diagnosis. Take your notes with you so you will have something to refer to.
At the end of this book you will find a worksheet entitled Scheduling “Me” Time to help you make sure you take some time for yourself.
3. What Kind of Caregiver Are You?
With the many unique situations and surrounding circumstances, I have yet to find a template that all caregivers could follow. Resources, such as this book, can only provide guidance; what your experience will become is yours and yours alone.
People vary considerably with personalities, abilities, mannerisms, and beliefs. What is “right” or proper for one person may not be for another. Different cultural practices may also come into play. Recognize your own strengths and limitations. The following are some of the questions you will need to consider:
• What can you do?
• How much can you do?
• Why are certain issues or projects important for you to manage?
• What do you want to do?
• How do you want to accomplish this?
• Who can help you?
• Can you work well with others or do you prefer to work independently?
• Can you lessen your load and delegate work to others?
It is perfectly natural to feel uncomfortable performing certain tasks. If you understand your caregiving style, you will be far better prepared to tackle every task that comes your way, and decide whether to leave it or delegate the task to someone else. You do not — and should not — always have to juggle everything yourself. How you approach your own caregiving role is always your own way so don’t let anyone tell you what is best for you and your loved one. It’s time to do an honest self-evaluation to identify your own caregiving characteristics. Good caregiving characteristics are described by Anne Togher in her informative article, “What is Your Caregiver Style?,” published in October of 2009. (To read the article, search online using the title.) The following sections cover my experience on caregiving characteristics, which is a variation on Togher’s caregiving characteristics.
You will likely recognize yourself as one, or a combination of, the following caregiving types. As you will see, there is no cookie-cutter caregiver. You may well identify with different character traits and not neatly slide into just one category. The trick is to know what you are best at and proceed accordingly.
At the end of this book you will find a Caregiving Self-Analysis worksheet to help you identify your strengths and weaknesses as a caregiver.
3.1 Independent caregiver
Are you determined, motivated, and stubborn? Do you want to tackle everything yourself? Do you feel resistance when it comes to sharing the work, or doubtful that anyone could exceed your own expectations? If so, you will likely want to do everything required by yourself.
So-called