Hopefully this book is an adventure into the depths of what actually works in regard to self-care and why it works. The advice is not about running marathons, it’s about the benefits of what is really only a small amount of regular exercise that gets you a little breathless. It’s not about dieting so you are in a size 8 dress or have a 30-inch waist. It’s about how what you eat influences your emotions and therefore your productivity. It’s not about reaching the dizzy heights of a zen-like state when attempting meditation, but is about how small steps into mindfulness and meditation can influence how you emotionally respond to events around you. Mostly this book is about what we can do to help ourselves to have the best lives we can have, by being the best versions of ourselves we can be. Not perfect but rather living in a way that is productive and helpful to us and to those around us. Keeping ourselves in order so that we cope with the chaos out there.
We are not perfect and don’t always get things right or even heed our own advice. We have all been on a journey to get to this point and there is more journey in front of us. We know what it’s like to struggle so we thought it might be useful to share a little of our stories about what led us to contemplate self-care ideas before we get started.
Lisa’s Storm to Calm
Thank you, Stephen, and yes, I loved that line about the stars aligning because it’s so true, the stars were aligned!
I think it is important for us to share our story because it will help others to know we really do understand what it’s like to crash and burn and have to get back up only to crash and burn again. Let’s see if any of these phrases are familiar: professional stress, end of my tether, life falling apart, hate work, overworked, undervalued, stood at a crossroads in life, stuck, need to change but don’t know how, depressed and tired?
It’s not that long ago I was feeling most of these, but the thought of moving out of my comfort zone by making the desired changes was scary. It was this fear that kept me stuck on the treadmill of monotony, anxiety and boredom for longer than I should have been, resulting in my eventual total crash and burn that required a career break.
Truthfully, I just felt useless. Work made me constantly anxious, longing for the weekend but fearing not being at work. My overactive imagination would have me dealing with all kinds of crises come Monday morning. Friday would arrive like a long-lost relative, but I would be too tense to start to unwind. As a social worker, conditioned to reflect upon my practice, I thought this meant the need to constantly replay conversations in my head. Pondering what I could have done differently when that family member was screaming at me down the telephone and was making me shake with anxiety. Did feeling anxious make me come across as antagonistic rather than empathic? Over and over I’d replay the same scenario, thinking, thinking and thinking what I could have done differently.
On Saturday I’d spend all day thanking the heavens above I wasn’t at work. On Sunday morning I would be hit with the realisation that ‘tomorrow is Monday and I’m back to work’. I would spend the rest of Sunday worrying about worst-case scenarios, imagining how every single one of my cases was bound to have ‘kicked off’ over the weekend and how goodness knows how many emails would be waiting for me as soon as I logged into the work PC. Monday morning was boooom! Rush hour traffic was usually navigated through a sea of tears and the much longed-for journey home was often undertaken in the same saltwater haze.
Yet, every Monday morning things were never as bad as my imagination would have had me believe. The really sad thing is, I had not had any relaxation all weekend due to unnecessary worry. I would arrive at work on a Monday morning already in a heightened state of stress, which would be exacerbated as the week progressed. I was stuck in this cycle of constantly being at work. When I was not physically at work, I was mentally and emotionally at work. Every second of every day, that’s where I was. Something had to give, and I was given the opportunity to leave the profession I loved but had grown to despise. Social work and I had officially separated and filed for divorce.
So I set up my own holistic business, and trained in life coaching and mindfulness. While this took me down a road that ended up being a dead end, it offered me the opportunity of time and space to learn to reconnect with the person I am. What I came to realise is that social work, at that time, had stripped me of my identity, my sense of humour and who I was as an individual. This time and distance allowed to me to come to terms with the fact that social work is an extremely difficult and challenging profession. Yeah, I know, who knew eh? I’m back in practice again now.
I suppose I had always believed myself to be saving starfish. You know the story by Loren Eiseley (1979) where the little boy on a beach throws starfish back into the sea? He is asked by an adult why he is doing that as there are too many starfish stranded on the beach to make a difference. He responds by telling the adult he had made a difference to the one starfish he had just thrown back into the sea. For all my good intentions and goodwill, I was never going to fix the world. I was never going to ‘save’ everyone because no one can.
I hope with all my heart that even the smallest amount of truth of what is within this book resonates with you and that it may help you in your moment of Storm to reach a place of Calm.
Steph’s story
Think in the morning. Act in the noon. Eat in the evening. Sleep in the night.
(William Blake)
When I sit and reflect on how long I have worked in social work, I think about how in my work with young people I have encountered some very sad cases over the years. That has sometimes made me question why I do the work I do. I have always struggled with the idea of how little social justice and what unequal starting points some people have in life, particularly in some of the vulnerable groups we work with. Despite this, I somehow find the strength to carry on, as I know how much my work means to me and, if I am honest, some of the best, most rewarding experiences in my life have been work related.
Buddhism helps me to see the world around me in a more positive light, and did so especially when my only brother died suddenly and tragically in 2018. He was the same age I am now, and his passing brings home to me how we are all on a journey in relation to self-care and just how important this is for each of us.
During my early social work career, I developed the healthy habit of sticking to core working hours, went to the gym close to my office, ate well and ensured I took my lunch breaks when I could. Leadership is what makes the difference. I always rate managers who set good examples and know the value of lunch breaks! They develop cultures in which micromanagement is discouraged and innovation is welcomed. I worked in the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass) until 2002. The culture at the time was unique to the warm but small team. It involved mid-morning coffee breaks and afternoon tea, and a shared garden was developed by a green-fingered colleague which allowed a relaxed approach to us sharing concerns about families, brainstorming and generally being emotionally available to each other as a means of managing risk issues. We also learned about each other’s families and personal interests, so we got to know each other really well and were able to tell when one of us was struggling. This was great care in action. This type of team helps you deal with the difficult aspects of the work we do, like the day a mother screamed at me about how much she hated my voice. I still remember consciously listening to my own voice as I spoke to see if she had a point!
I try and enjoy a short walk during my lunch break, like Stephen, as I know this helps me return to my afternoon work feeling refreshed and focused. It was invaluable during my days of trying to juggle social work with an interest in performing arts when I ended up as an extra in a film. It was a very interesting time, juggling filming during the day with nocturnal report writing. Not the best in terms of self-care. Sadly, due to my dedication to social work and knowing I could not miss presenting a case in court, I had to forgo the chance to drive a Ferrari booked for the day when Patsy Kensit (who was the real star) was ill.
Over the years, despite my best of intentions, I’m afraid my healthy habits have slipped. I have a real sweet tooth so I’m always after my sugar boost. It doesn’t help that I simply love baking