It’s true, what she says. Petra has always told Suzanne everything since the day they met, both new students at the Curtis Institute. Suzanne had deferred entry for a year so that she could nurse her mother through the final months of her illness while trying to cobble together a bank account with part-time jobs. No student pays tuition at Curtis, but she didn’t know how she was going to live and was contemplating the drastic step of offering to care for her crazy father in exchange for a cot in his South Philly flat. She was granted a reprieve in the form of a need-based fellowship for expenses and the phone number of a new violin student wanting a roommate.
Suzanne sold the only thing her mother had left behind that had worth to anyone else (an eight-year-old Pontiac) and moved in with Petra sight unseen.
The first thing Petra said to her was, “Are you a tramp?”
Suzanne shook her head. “Practically a virgin.”
“Then I’ll take the bedroom and you can have the sofa bed. I don’t mind paying extra, and that will spare you from seeing the naked men.” She laughed. “It’s worse than that, even, because I mostly date ugly guys. Really nothing you’d want to see.” She paused, maybe looking to see if she’d shocked her new roommate. “And sometimes it’s not a man, but the women are always good-looking. I don’t sleep with ugly women.”
Suzanne unpacked her suitcase of clothes into the dresser Petra had already moved into the living room. Later, over the first bottle of wine that Suzanne had ever partaken in, Petra shamelessly recounted her adventures and become the best friend Suzanne had ever had.
When Petra arrived in the country, a man offered her a free place to live in exchange for letting him photograph her legs spread. “He promised me anonymity,” Petra laughed, “because he was going to take very close-ups.” She’d turned him down, but kept a version of the idea. She called a company selling “adult services” and told them no intercourse. A lot of girls probably try that—getting paid as a call girl without having sex—but Petra had long legs, blond hair, and a real Swedish accent. They hired her on her terms. “When I have sex, it’s always for free. Because I want to.”
Growing warm and bold with the wine, Suzanne asked her for details about the work. Petra told her the stories: the young man who wanted her to teach him how to give oral sex, the tiny woman who wanted to spank her in old-fashioned underwear, the guy who wanted to be whipped. The one who wanted her only from the ankle down, the one who masturbated while she crawled around the room and talked like a baby, the one who wanted her to dance in dim light wearing a red dress he had hanging in his closet. “It was his wife’s dress,” she told Suzanne, her eyes glazing wet. “She had died and he missed her. That was too much, the last time. After that I got a job making cocktails.”
“Mixing.” Suzanne put her arm around her, almost a hug. “It’s called mixing drinks.”
Petra wiped her tears with her forefinger until the streaks on her face were dry, laughing. “Crazy, no? Diapers, sure, no problem, but not a dead woman’s dress to make a widower feel better.”
Now, after years of Petra’s confidences, Suzanne feels guilty for not reciprocating, for separating herself from her best friend with deceit. She’s used to it, though, used to feeling distant from others because she has a secret. For four years she hasn’t been able to tell anyone why she is so happy when she is happy or why so sad or worried when she is sad or worried. For four years she’s been lying to her best friend, to her husband, to everyone she meets.
Now she shrugs. “I’m expecting my period.”
Petra surprises her by saying, “So you’re sure you’re not pregnant again?”
The lightbulb above their table flickers, and Suzanne looks toward the front of the shop, watching people pass the plate-glass window. She grips her drink. “Petra, we’re not even trying anymore. You know that.”
“I never believed that, you know, and I understand you don’t want me asking every month. I do, but I wish you could tell me. I tell you everything.”
Suzanne finds her eyes. “Petra, I swear. We aren’t trying anymore. We hardly even were, and then Ben changed his mind altogether.”
“What about your mind?”
“I decided it was for the best, too. My sister-in-law was right, I guess. You can’t replace a lost baby with another one.”
“Your sister-in-law is a bitch.” Petra lifts her cup and drains it with surprising speed. “So then that answer about your period is a total bullshit answer.”
“And you don’t really tell me everything.” Suzanne pauses, hating herself for using Adele to deflect Petra’s inquest.
“There’s nothing to tell there. I’ve told you. He was just a guy I slept with—nobody that matters.”
“He’s going to matter to Adele. She’s going to want to know. At least you should get the guy’s medical records, family history, that kind of thing.”
“Then I’d have to tell him about her. If I could remember his last name, if I could even find him. And what if he’s an asshole? What if he’s some horrible person and wants to share custody and make decisions about her life?” Petra is glaring now. “But you’re just changing the subject to avoid telling me what the hell is going on. Which is mean. And you’re not mean, so something must really be going on.”
“I’m so sorry, Petra. I’m having a hard time today. I guess I’m in mourning.” She speaks this truth gingerly, eyes cast down. “For the life I didn’t lead. For the baby I didn’t have. It’s my age, maybe, and my birthday coming around again. Lately I think a lot about my choices and how my life might have been different.” She wants to tell her everything, but she stops herself.
Petra strokes Suzanne’s hair, causing a table of male professors to stare at them without even disguising their leers. Performing for them, Petra kisses her cheek and holds her hand on the tabletop. “You say it like it’s already over. Anyway, you have a great life. Musician married to a musician—how often does that work out? And the quartet is actually succeeding, and Adele likes you a lot more than she likes me. And she loves you just as much.”
Suzanne lifts a smile. “If you and I make out right now, those men will die of heart attacks.”
“Almost reason enough,” Petra says, pulling back, dropping the physical contact altogether. “So, what do you call Harold in Italy?”
This is one Suzanne hasn’t heard, so she waits for Petra to deliver the punch line.
“The longest joke ever written.”
Suzanne bursts out laughing, but there are tears, too, and Petra looks stricken.
“I’m sorry,” Suzanne says. “That’s the last piece I played in St. Louis. It makes me think of one of those lives I didn’t get to live.”
Her cell phone vibrates again. This time there is no number to read, only the word unknown.
“Is it important?” Petra asks.
“I hope not.” Suzanne returns the still buzzing phone to her pocket and lifts her viola case. Though she holds it on her hip with both arms, like a young child, she feels as though her arms are flailing, as though she has just stepped off a cliff and is plummeting, waiting for the ground to rise up and stop her fall. The sensation is as real as in a dream.
Four
By Saturday, Suzanne’s phone has vibrated with another call from Chicago and two more unknowns. She knows that it has to be about Alex and that she should answer it, but she also knows that the woman who called her home is probably Olivia Elling. She cannot swallow when she even thinks the name, so she turns off her phone for long stretches. It’s not denial, she promises herself, but a necessary postponement. It feels like time has stopped, just for a bit, right