“But I’m a born worrier I guess and I kept fretting. I found myself a bench in Cwmdonkin Park and I tried to ignore the orchids and hummingbirds, and even the strange insects, until one landed on the back of my right hand and stung me. I swatted it with my left hand and it stung that one too. I don’t know what the insect was, nothing native to the temperate climes, that’s for sure, but since that moment my hands have occasionally swollen up to gross dimensions. It doesn’t happen too often, and they don’t stay swollen for more than an hour or so, but when they do swell up I swear I have the second biggest hands in existence. I won’t say anything about Prime Time Kenny, the man with the biggest hands. He doesn’t belong in this story.
“Anyway, I sat there for a long time, while the pseudo-tropical sun started to sink into the west, and then I felt a prickle on the nape of my neck, and I knew Kelvin was back. I looked up and there he was, ambling along the path, maybe twelve inches high with big ears and a bigger grin. He sat next to me and rolled a spliff and just for once I was stuck for words to say. Fortunately he broke the impasse with a simple observation:
“‘Rather seasonable weather for the time of year’.
“‘Indeed so,’ I said, ‘and quite contrary to normality. I’ve never known such a balmy afternoon at this latitude.’
‘“Climate is what you make it,’ he answered.
“I took issue with this statement. ‘No it’s not! Climate is the result of several factors outside human control. These factors include altitude, proximity to high mountains, average cloud cover, the thermohaline circulation of the ocean, solar heat absorption due to vegetation…’
“‘Climate change is within human control,’ he interrupted.
“I snorted in derision. ‘What do you know about humans? You’re just a toy, a piece of cloth cut and stitched in certain ways, with maybe an electromagnetic imprint of some kind to keep you going. I’m good friends with a former owner of yours, so watch your step!’
“Then I felt bad for having threatened him, but he didn’t seem offended and continued airily, ‘The human race has been altering the climate since the first outpouring of industrial pollution. A blind process… But I’m Kelvin and know everything about manipulation, what glove puppet doesn’t? You can’t expect to use us as playthings and keep us ignorant of the mechanics of control. We learn the hard way, with a hands-up approach! Have you any idea what it feels like to be tickled from the inside?’
“‘Actually I do, but let’s not go into that...’
“Kelvin leaned closer, ignited his spliff and blew the smoke out of the corner of his fabric mouth. ‘I’ll tell you my secret. None of the changes that upset you so much are real. Don’t you get it yet? I’ve turned the tables on you humans and played a grand joke. The palm trees and breakers, the toucans and jellyfish, the hotter sun and higher mountains... They are all puppets, puppets of my devising! Even the coconuts are puppets!’
“‘You mean that the azure sky and sweet zephyr...’
“‘Made from cloth... The hammocks and grass skirts, the cavaquinhos2 and caipirinhas, the papaya and caramba, the sunburn and heatstroke, the coral and pearls, all of it animated cloth!’
“‘What about the horrible sting on my hands?’
“‘Even that is a puppet – the pus in your wound is a puppet, the poisoning of your blood is a puppet, everything!’
“‘Are you generous or vindictive?’ I wondered.
“He blew a pungent smoke ring and explained his intentions. ‘Let me tell you something Catherine was never aware of. But before I do, allow me to say how much I dislike sentences that end with the word ‘of’. Like that one. And the one before. Anyway, when I was living with her, I moulted a lot, I’m made of cotton and I shed lots of fibres, including from my ears, fibres that became entangled with the fibres of the sofa, knotted to them until they were an integral part of the upholstery, and that’s where they remained. In other words, I left a portion of my hearing in Catherine’s house. Anything that was said near that sofa, I could hear, wherever in the world I was!’
“‘You eavesdropped on us!’ I cried.
“He shrugged. ‘I could hardly help it. There was no way of not listening. And I heard your plan to entice me back and decided to have a little fun of my own. I applied all my expertise at puppetry to trump you, to prove who the real genius is. I’m the one in control, my friend, not you. You got more than you bargained for but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Enjoy it. Why care if the Malibus and dusky maidens are puppets?’
“‘Why indeed?’ I conceded, but it didn’t feel right.
“He gave me a sly wink and I watched him go, flicking ash and humming a reggae tune as he wandered among jewel-eyed serpents and giant flowers. He was headed in the direction of the beach. I imagined him wandering along the shoreline, stopping to examine the big conch shells, waiting for sunset and the throbbing trance parties, rolling another spliff and sending scented smoke in a lazy spiral towards the emerging summer stars. I felt sure he would bump into Catherine in her hammock on the way.
“And talking about summer stars, I know plenty about astronomy and I know the names of many constellations. Some are named after dogs, Canis Major for instance, which means ‘the great dog’, and Canis Minor, ‘the little dog’, but I reckon there ought to be a dancing dog too and it should be named after Kelvin. He was definitely a Canis Raver.”
* * * *
Castor Jenkins will finish his pint at this point, wipe his lips and gaze longingly at the bar. A newcomer (just like you, dear reader) who wants to hear the rest of the tale will think it’s the right time to buy him another drink, but Paddy Deluxe and Frothing Harris will know that to stop him telling it, they need to buy him two drinks, one each. That’s what they’ll do, but he’ll tell it anyway, yawning, rolling his eyes and shrugging.
“How long do you think Swansea remained tropical? Kelvin’s puppets were good quality, designed to last a lifetime, and in theory there was no reason at all for grey skies and drizzle to return.
“But it did. It always will in Wales.
“Kelvin made one mistake – he misunderstood human psychology. Although the tropical environment was highly desirable, men and women just get bored of puppets after a while. We only put up with them for so long, however realistic and clever they are. And that’s what happened. Gradually people stopped going to the beach to surf and dance, the hammocks were left empty and the cocktails undrunk. Desolation set in. There’s nothing more desolate than paradise gone to seed, and at some point Kelvin must got disillusioned, packed it all up and left, because one morning I woke to find Swansea back the way it was. Since then it has never been tropical again.”
How can Paddy Deluxe and Frothing Harris respond to this ridiculous story? Only with extreme derision.
“Puppets don’t come in such unlikely types. People would notice if even the hot sun was made of cloth!”
“Would they? But you haven’t noticed your own puppet status.”
“What do you mean?”
“Both of you – glove puppets, nothing more or less!”
“Don’t be absurd! Prove it!”
“As you wish. Look towards the front door. Who is that coming in? The real Paddy Deluxe and Frothing Harris. Watch what happens when they join me at the table. Then you’ll be convinced.”
“By all the gods, he’s right! They are coming over!”
Castor now smirks and calls, “Good evening, Paddy. Good evening, Harris. I note