The Earlier Trials of Alan Mewling. A.C. Bland

and lodged daily – yes, daily – as regards persons who are …”

      “Nude?” asked O’Kane.

      “Yes,” said Alan.

      “Whether acting otherwise abnormally or not?” said Morton.

      “I suppose so,” said Alan. “Yes.”

      “For the sake of clarity,” said Morton, “can you tell us, again, please, what the purpose of these forms is?”

      “I think I’ve already explained that,” said Alan.

      “I must have missed it,” said Morton.

      “The forms are to exclude certain persons from the redundancy priority list, should there be one.”

      “Isn’t that discriminatory?” said Hemingway, without O’Kane’s permission.

      “And isn’t it a bit harsh on those officers,” said Morton, “who want to play ‘dress ups’ or feel the breeze through their undergrowth without aspiring to unemployment.”

      Alan winced. “I’m sure that, as each of the sections meet, this afternoon, the consequences of any future aberrant behaviour will be discussed, so that people who are tempted to dress up or divest themselves of their garments for reasons unrelated to their employment, will be made aware of the consequences of their actions before they give in to temptation.”

      “But completing the forms still seems like dobbing, doesn’t it?” said O’Kane.

      “I’m sure the union will take the appropriate action if that conclusion is more widely reached,” said Alan.

      “Anything that reduces the incidence of nudity is to be applauded in my view,” said Trevithick. “It can be very traumatic coming out of the lift or the file storage area and finding genitals right under your nose.”

      Alan’s thoughts went to bizarre and unhygienic facial deformities.

      “God forbid,” said Morton, looking at Trevithick, “that we should be forced to acknowledge the existence of naughty bits or the evil that we might do with them.”

      “Hear, hear,” said Hemingway, earning a stern look from O’Kane.

      “On a more practical matter,” said Morton, “much pointless paperwork will be created if a single nudey decides to stroll across the entire floor and each section has someone completing the form.”

      “You have a point,” said Alan.

      “And how is the person filling in the nude one of the two forms to identify the naked individual if their name isn’t known to witnesses?” said O’Kane.

      “Or if it isn’t, serendipitously, tattooed somewhere prominent,” said Morton.

      Alan tried to ignore a fast sequence of unsavoury images that played across his consciousness. “There are, inevitably problems to be ironed out in any new procedure, but we’ll work our way through them, as we always do.”

      “Revelation 16:15,” said Trevithick, looking mightily pleased with himself.“Blessed is the one who stays awake, keeping his garments on, that he may not go about naked and be seen exposed.”

      “I’ve been waiting for that,” said Morton.

      “For Revelation 16:15?” asked Trevithick, surprised.

      “No, for a quotation reproachful of nudity.”

      “Permission to speak?” said Hemingway to O’Kane.

      “Granted, but be mindful of the code of conduct. I sense that you are about to move into dangerous territory.”

      “If the names of naked persons are not known,” said Hemingway, “their essential attributes could be described, couldn’t they?”

      “How would that help?” said Trevithick, before anyone could ask about the precise nature of the attributes.

      Hemingway looked at O’Kane, who nodded permission for a further contribution to the discussion. “The key characteristics of the essential organ could be noted for the purpose of a matching exercise – a sort of identity parade – later.”

      “Ghost!” exclaimed Alan.

      “You’d be the only person present,” said O’Kane to Hemingway, “who could make the necessary distinctions: one organ from another.”

      “But only for the men,” Hemingway replied.

      “What a sight: everyone in their birthday suits,” said Morton cheerfully, “for the purpose of identification.”

      “This is disgraceful,” said Trevithick.

      “Gentlemen, do I have a volunteer to trial the forms and report on any initial incidents?” Alan asked, flustered.

      Everybody avoided his gaze.

      “I’d do it myself but for the fact that I picked up some extra tasks today.”

      Silence.

      “Just for the initial days?”

      No one spoke up.

      “What about a share arrangement – someone in the afternoons and someone else in the mornings?”

      “All right,” said O’Kane, “Hemingway volunteers.”

      “For the morning or afternoon?” Alan asked.

      “Both,” said O’Kane.

      “Do you mind?” Alan asked Hemingway.

      “I guess not,” said the ex-milliner. “There aren’t many women nudists, are there?”

      “None,” said Morton, “They’ve got more sense.”

      “Think of it as a development opportunity,” said O’Kane.

      “And as an excuse to closely scrutinise the local talent,” Morton added.

      “Disgusting,” said Trevithick.

      “I’ll send you the forms to photocopy,” said Alan.

      “Thank God that’s settled,” said O’Kane.

      Alan quickly dispensed with the remaining matters for discussion – the cancellation of the branch Christmas party and the planning day.

      “They’ll soon be referring to Miserable as the German Canceller,” said Morton.

      “It’s unfortunate,” said Alan, not responding to Morton’s quip, “but understandable.”

      Trevithick inquired whether the section’s Christmas party was also going to be cancelled.

      “I think it’s more important than ever that we get together to celebrate our achievements,” said Alan.

      Morton snorted but everyone else seemed to Alan to be reassured that at least something they’d planned to do would still be happening.

      With the meeting finally concluded, Alan asked Morton to remain behind and closed the door.