You (and this is the worst part of all), ARE YOU!
Okay, so your self confidence is gone now? Good. You are ready to be motivated, you are ready to be shaped into greatness. It is time to introduce your feeble mind, to the one; the only, ragreynolds.
But wait! You don’t like how I just spoke to you? You don’t agree with The Epitome of Greatness? You know why I’m the best? Because I say I’m the best, and if you don’t like it, then come do something about it.
The One; The Only
This is your savior in three different poses, looking simply… amazing.
Before we get into my tales of life and jaw dropping theories. Let me first introduce you to myself, just in-case you somehow have absolutely no idea who I am and you are only reading this book due to the fact that someone recommended it to you (which would be every intelligent being, by the way). Either way, somebody, somewhere in your life, realises how great I am and how pathetic and discreet your entire existence is, hopefully you can now realise this and begin changing your ways with help from yours truly in the following, godly pages and coming chapters.
So anyway! Without further a due;
I am Ryan Reynolds. NO! Not the actor… I’m better.
The next person to ask me if I am the actor; if I’m related to the actor; or if I was named after the actor, is going to receive a swift kick to the face. Followed by a litre of bleach being poured down their throat; I shall then cover them in oil, light them on fire, push them into a pull full of angry sharks which each have no teeth left due to me personally removing each of them one by one. I will then drag you from the pool and tie you to the back of a motorcycle which I will then proceed to navigate, 5 miles along an uneasy road; I will hang you by the left ankle, upside down from a street light and slice open your torso; I shall saw off your left arm with a stale toothbrush and I shall ram your decapitated elbow into your colon. Finally, I will blindfold you and throw you into the back of a truck; I will pay the truck driver to drive you far away from our current location and to throw you into the nearest lake. It’s all fair game from here on.
Now, back to me.
I was born, Ryan Alexander Graeme Reynolds but a lot of you people may know me as ragreynolds, due to my online nature. The name ragreynolds was created when I first created a YouTube account back in 2008. I decided to combine my 4 names into one. Hence creating: r[yan]a[lexander]g[raeme]reynolds; ragreynolds.
Since that day of creating that YouTube channel, I have been dedicated to bringing joy to others with great quality entertainment and by supplying others with a shining lifestyle exemplar. I have slowly been shaping humanity in my likeness just so that every person can attempt to have as great of a life as mine is.
But enough of this entertainment crap, we’ll get to that in a later chapter, for now all you need to know is that my name is Ryan or ragreynolds (but you can call me Sir, or Lord, whichever you prefer) and that I am going to take you on the journey of your life and mould you into the best possible person that you are capable of being.
That’s it.
So buckle up people and stay for the ride, this planes ‘bout to part, don’t get left in the dark.
Birth
My amazing, totally not badly photo shopped, newly born self.
On the fifth of February, 1997, greatness entered the atmosphere. This was the day, on which Linda McArthur, gave birth to the greatest being, this planet has ever seen. Me. Even the doctors didn’t understand how a newly born baby had the ability to debate with them using words they had never heard of, about what time of day it really was. Baby Ryan knew the real time, that clock in that room was three minutes fast. Those imbeciles were trying to take three minutes from my life. I was not having it.
As they went to cut that cord, I whipped it around one of their necks. A male midwife? What kind of guy becomes a midwife? What kind of guy delivers babies for a living? Well, I’m not usually one to judge, but this is back when I was only a few minutes old, you can’t really blame me for being a little immature now can you?
Anyway, back to the story. So I wrapped that cord around that S.O.B’s neck and I whispered into his ear: “Three minutes fast.” I released the pressure. He then proceeded to walk over to his documents and subtract three minutes from his initial interpretation of time.
Now you’re thinking to yourself, this can’t be true. He is lying to me, I would have heard about this if it had really happened. Well, that is where you are wrong my friend. You see, for one, I don’t tell lies, I merely adapt the truth, and secondly, what happened only seconds after that doctor making changes to his documents, is something that you really are not going to believe.
Scratch that, I take my previous statement back. Let me rephrase, you would not believe coming from any other human being. But this being me, of course you shall believe it.
But just in-case you are still thinking otherwise, you have to make a choice here. You can either believe me, or your lyin’ eyes.
Everyone was stunned by my greatness. This newly born baby was a trained killer and could speak perfect English. Then, without warning, the door burst open and in come two tall men dressed in black. They are both wearing black sunglasses, one of them is black. The white guy pulls out a small device which is of similar size to a pen, and he proceeds to cause the device to flash a strong red light at us all. The two of them, then proceed to casually walk out of the room.
Now, I know you’re wondering how I still remember all of this if that strange man dressed in black (if you don’t get it now then you are even more retarded than I initially assumed) Flashed me with that small device. Well the answer to that question is that, I, just like all other babies, was partially blind at birth, and due to that harsh fact, my memory remains fully intact. From that point on, I just decided to keep a little bit more of a low profile, just in-case I didn’t happen to be so lucky next time.
The Scumbag Streets
This is your savior, when he was a gangster.
My parents split when I was young. They both moved on and got married to other people. When they split however, I moved from the scumbag streets of Denny, Scotland, to the scumbag streets of Stirling, Scotland. it didn’t bother me too much, either way, I was in a bad place. More specifically in Stirling, I was in the Cornton, filled with drug abusers, alcoholics and criminals. Not a good area.
When my parents split, me and my sister Aimie. Yes, Aimie. VERY stupid spelling of the name, I know. But my mother liked to be awkward, innovative and hipster, so that’s how that came about. Anyway, me and my sister, moved with my mother to the Cornton, to live with my grandparents for a while. Just until we could get our own place to stay. Now I’m going to leave this here before I bore you about the details of life at this point. Instead, I am just going to explain some key events, during my childhood, living in the Cornton.
Living in the Cornton, I saw and learned a lot of things. I learned more from riding the bus through the Cornton, than I did from eight years of French at school – which was squat, but I’ll get to that later when I go onto rant about school – I saw an old lady die, a man being robbed, a baby being born, heck I even saw a baby being made. I was 5 years old, I didn’t know what was going on, I thought two people were fighting over a seat.
I remember one time when I was seven years old. I was in the park with my friend, when this man walked over to us. He just stood next to us for a few minutes, then walked away. I was on edge, I wondered who this man was, I