Klick, the Dick. Milam Smith

she didn’t turn me on, if that’s what you mean.”

      “No, ahem, that’s not what I meant. Exactly.”

      “She did make my heart beat a little faster. Hell, she’d made Stevie Wonder’s heart beat faster. But no, she wasn’t the type I like. You know, like Beth.”

      “Stevie Wonder is blind?”

      “Exactly.”

      “Oh, I see. By your conversation I assume you didn’t approve of this woman, you didn’t think much of her, is that correct?”

      “Mmm, yeah, I guess.”

      “That’s a bit judgmental, too, wouldn’t you say?”

      “We all judge. You know, I used to think what people did was their own business. Queers, stuff like that. Long as they left me alone, or didn’t bother people in general. But you see what happens with that kind of thinking. AIDS is the result. The deterioration of the schools. I could go on and on.”

      “Yes, I’m quite sure you could. Then why did you help this woman? Especially after your divorce summons?”

      “Man, I don’t know. And it got worse too, after I left the office; I’ll tell you about that later. But, I was serious. Money. I was looking at two grand right there, and then another two later? For a day’s work, maybe less? I almost choked. And the way I was working it in my mind was, see, I really wouldn’t be taking part in anything. Find a car and a man. Nothing unethical about that. Besides, it is what I do.”

      “Were you thinking about her, Mrs. Ross?”

      “You mean like naked. Heck, it was there, Doc. I didn’t need much imagination. Believe me, if she were to walk into your office, you’d blush too. Maybe even break a sweat. But even if she had thrown her clothes off, I wouldn’t have jumped her. Even if I were divorced, I wouldn’t.”

      “You felt that way with Beth, though, didn’t you?”

      “Hey, now. Wait a minute. That’s love, and you haven’t heard the half of this yet. That’s why I’m here. I can’t deal with that cross-up of my values. I wouldn’t jump Ross, but Beth…. And it’s not really the same circumstances, to me anyway. For crying out loud, the way you put it, it makes me dizzy again.”

      “But there is a difference, Clyde. It’s there, but you don’t want to see it because you’re so black and white. You are simply going to have to change some of your belief systems. We develop these systems to survive, to help deal with events in everyday life. You mentioned you have a problem in the work environment. Normally I would work on that, but you’ve found a way around those problems by being self-employed. That’s fine. But now other values are causing this frustration you’re feeling.”

      “Great. Now we get to the ‘Oh how I hate my momma’ part, huh?”

      “No. I want to hear the rest of your story. I need to know everything that’s had an impact on your life lately.”

      “Well, some of the stuff she told me made me sick, literally. Okay, I was thinking about her, Mrs. Ross, in that way. I was thinking, why not? Why do I have to make myself the saint, you know. Sometimes, like when I react on a violent plane, get in a fight, you know, I think how close I am to crossing over. To being a bad guy. Like I’d be different and get away with it. Either way, I’m always on the outside.

      “Speaking of bad guys. I mean, guys that really act bad, not as an act, but because they just don’t care, you know. I ran into one later after I left the office. And then…well…”