Knowing he was winning this round, he fixed his eyes on the next small sheet of paper, then shot her a glance. “You’ve got an appointment for a complete physical exam on Monday morning.”
Kate almost jumped out of her chair. “Shit, Holder! Haven’t I been examined enough in the last six months, for God’s sake?”
Again he held up his hand. “Calm down, Kathryn. I am aware that you’ve seen many doctors recently. This isn’t the same thing. We have to be sure that you’re physically capable of a dangerous mission, not whether you are capable of living a normal life.”
Her eyes continued to spark, yet once more she had to admit that his argument was viable. She’d have to give in—again. She reached for the piece of paper, gave it a quick glance…and stopped abruptly when she saw the name: Dr. Walter Stephenson. She tensed, and her stomach churned. Keeping her eyes glued to the paper to hide her turmoil, she struggled for calm. After a few moments she was able to compose her face. She raised her chin and rejected his order with a flat: “No.”
Holder reacted with wrath. “Kathryn, did you hear what I just said? Anyway, you don’t have a choice. You are….”
Leaning forward, Kate broke in. “Wait!” Caught by her urgency, he listened. “I will go to a doctor. I will not go to this doctor.” She pointed at the name of Dr. Walter Stephenson. “I want a woman. You found Maggie Fremont in Germany. You must be able to find one here.”
He knew her well enough to detect the undertone of anguish in her voice, even though she tried to conceal it. He also knew all about the abuse she’d suffered—at the hands of men. Looking over her shoulder, he stalled by clearing his throat. In truth he saw no reason to cause her additional pain…at least not unless he gained an advantage from it. Forcing her to see a male doctor would gain him nothing. He dropped his chin in assent. “If I can find a woman, okay. If not, it’s Stephenson.” At her yelp he held up a hand. “End of story.”
Resigning herself to reality, Kate bowed her head slightly and noticed her hands were trembling. “You finished? I’ve got work to do.” She avoided looking at him by making a show of collecting the materials in her lap and rising out of the chair.
“Sit down!” She sat with a clench of her jaw. He walked around to the front of the desk, where he towered over Kate. “About this morning.” When she opened her mouth, he slammed his hand on the desk. “I will not accept that kind of behavior again!”
Glaring up at him defiantly, she started to ask what he was going to do about it, but she was suddenly so exhausted that she couldn’t muster the energy to resume the battle. She turned her head away and said nothing. Caught off guard by her apparent capitulation, Holder hesitated, and Kate seized her opportunity. She quickly grabbed her bag, stood up, and slipped by him to the door. “Be on time tomorrow!” he commanded to her back.
SHE kept going until she was standing in the empty hallway. Only then did she realize how hard her heart was pounding. Her hands were still trembling, and they were cold and clammy. She needed to get to the library, her comfort zone. In the elevator she propped herself against the wall and closed her eyes. After almost missing the “ding” at her floor, she finally made it to the library foyer, where she leaned against the counter, breathing heavily.
A moment later Toni touched her arm. “Let’s go,” Toni said softly. When she didn’t respond, Toni gently shepherded Kate into her office and to a seat at the corner table. “I’m going to fix some tea. Do you want some? Or coffee?”
Kate turned her gaze on the other woman. She understood that Toni had said something, but the voices of the demons in her head were drowning her friend out. Toni grasped Kate’s hands in hers and repeated: “Do you want a cup of tea?”
Kate looked vacantly at their hands, then suddenly awakened. With a twitch of her head, she began: “I’m sorry. I….” Unable to explain, she gave up and simply nodded. While Toni was preparing the tea, Kate tried to sort through her reactions in Holder’s office. Or more precisely, to the panic triggered by the idea of being touched intimately by a man, even if he was a physician. Now, calmer and distanced, Kate was disgusted at her extreme response, more so since it wasn’t her first panic attack.
Before that place, the prison, she’d never experienced panic routed in real fear. Oh, a frisson of fear kept her on-point during missions; a tickle of fear served to stoke the excitement, and it was part of what she loved about her job, part of what made her so good. But panic? Panic was trouble.
I have to learn to control myself! I cannot live my life, do my work panicking every time a man might touch me, for God’s sake. That is weak. I cannot be weak.
Truth was, she told herself the same thing each time a panic attack overtook her, and she had not learned to deal with it. What she really wanted wasn’t to “deal with it” at all; she wanted it to disappear; she wanted to go back to the way she was before, strong and…invincible?
Toni returned holding a blue tray with a bright yellow and blue tea pot, a matching yellow sugar bowl and two blue mugs, along with a sandwich and a couple of cookies on a plate. Despite the shadows that lurked inside her, Kate smiled.
“Glad to see you smile. What is it?”
Chuckling, Kate answered: “Everything matches.”
“Would you expect any less from me? Now, what do you like in your tea?”
“I don’t much drink tea. Sugar, I guess.”
“Yep, I always remember you with a coffee cup in your hand,” Toni responded, her smile still in place.
Kate nodded, enjoying the mindless chitchat. “Guilty. But that tea smells fantastic.”
After they’d taken a few sips, Toni asked: “Do you want to share my tuna sandwich?” Looking at the sandwich, Kate’s stomach lurched, and she shook her head no. “When was the last time you ate, Kate?” Toni tried not to sound like Kate’s mother.
Kate shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t have much appetite. Don’t know why.” She actually knew exactly why, but she didn’t want to talk about it.
Toni exclaimed: “Wow! I can’t remember a time when you turned down food!” One of the first things Toni had noticed was that this new Kate was rail thin, and it worried her. She set down her cup. “Come on, Kate, it’s not healthy, not eating. You didn’t eat breakfast today, did you? How about yesterday?”
Kate looked away, not wanting to have this confrontation.
“Oh, for heaven’s sake.” Toni picked up half of the tuna sandwich and handed it to Kate. “I guarantee this is a very tasty tuna sandwich. Try it. You’ll like it!”
Again Toni made Kate smile, as she pictured the little boy in the Life cereal commercial. She nibbled at Toni’s sandwich. It was delicious. After the first few bites, she waited, gauging how her stomach was responding. When there was no negative reaction, she wolfed down the rest. Toni handed her the other half. At first Kate protested, but then she gobbled it down, along with more sweet tea. In the end she felt very full, but it was not unpleasant.
Suddenly Kate started. “What time is it?”
Toni gestured to the clock on the opposite wall. “1:55.”
“Oh, shit. Got to go.” Swiftly Kate explained about the shooting range, then she snatched her bag, and bolted out the door.
KATE spent not one but two full hours practicing, and it felt wonderful. She was a bit rusty, but the longer she