The Mitochondrial Curiosities of Marcels 1 to 19. Jocelyn Brown

      ‘Excuse me, Roger, I do know, without question, that Dree has something that belongs to me.’

      Santini tries. I’ll never forgive him, but he tries. ‘Mrs. Johnson, let’s validate what you’re both going through. Dree, perhaps this book can help, please – ’

      In my peripheral vision, I see The Grieving Process on his desk. And, weird, beside it, the small shiny book I saw in Rita’s purse. Heavenly Riches. It takes willpower to keep staring at the tree.

      ‘Dreeee? Dree, are you with us? How can I support you here?’

      Rita says she knows exactly what I’m going through, actually holds her hands out to me, reaches to touch my arm. You’d like to rip out my lungs, wouldn’t you, Rita?

      ‘Dree, this is not a courtroom,’ Santini says.

      ‘I’d rather stand.’

      ‘So, Dree, I’m noticing that Rita, Mrs. Johnson, and I are doing all the work here.’

      ‘On what?’ My first eye contact with Santini. Fuck you, it says.

      ‘Dree, give me my key back.’

      ‘What key, Rita?’

      ‘You have to understand that Leonard is still very connected to me.’

      ‘So ask him where your key is.’ I sound ruthless but I know the optics are bad: red face, shaky legs, compulsive twisting of hair.

      ‘In your bag, honey.’

      The honey does it. I take a step forward and dump my bag onto Santini’s desk. Eyeliner, dead orange, Kleenex, wool and tampons fall out. Santini flinches and rolls his chair back. Deal with it, I think, and throw the empty bag onto Rita’s lap. ‘Oh, I bet Dad’s real impressed with you now.’

      Rita pats the bag inch by inch. Very creepy.

      I focus on the poster above her head. Riches from Heaven: A workshop with Master of Abundance Jojo Bunting.

      ‘I’m not feeling comfortable with this, Mrs. Johnson. We need to honour personal – Dree – please, this book – ’

      They both stare at me full on, intensely checking for cracks, then stare at the poster too. Santini turns back to me and shrugs, all isn’t this awkward.

      Rat-faced coward.

      ‘Fine, Dree, we can wait.’ Rita looks at him looking at me. ‘So you’re coming to Jojo, Roger?’ she says.

      OMFG. Roger? They yoga or whatever together? I take the book Santini’s put down and take the other one too, as in, oh, I thought you meant both of them.

      But he doesn’t notice or does and says nothing. ‘I feel totally violated,’ I tell him as Rita hands me the bag. Santini closes his eyes, possibly getting ready to apologize. I slip out door and run like hell.

      Finally, the main doors clunk behind me. On the smokers’ bench, I tug on the leather cord to check the knot, leaving the key under my sweater. Thank you, fashion gods, for making me wear my one and only turtleneck today. I vow to be a better human someday.

      Who cares if she knows I’ve got it. If the delinquent count is low at the downtown library, I’ll get a spot on computer row and get the key pic on my blog toot sweet. In fact, if she sees it, excellent. As long as she can’t actually rip the thing off my neck, it’s all good.

      I’m too pumped to wait for the bus, which is only marginally faster than walking anyway. What I also need to do at the library is check the Dante statue because Leonard once rammed a clue in his nose. It was hell getting it out. Who knows, maybe Dante’s chin is hollow too. Then I need to sit on our bench, close my eyes and laugh with him at the sound of the toilet flushing which is the loudest sound anywhere on the main floor. Enough said.

      Reincarnation of a Salesman

      The North Pole’s melting, everybody’s medicated, but what are your goals? They can’t stop saying it. From Grade 4! Your goals. Yes, we are the damned. Yes, we’re trapped. But do the characters of the obsolete books we’re supposed to read have to be? No, they do not.

      Circle of Life Bowl

      1. Take one outdated book (guy goes on quest, guy becomes manly man, guy offs himself after failing manly-manness, et cetera).

      2. Rip into tiny pieces.

      3. Add enough water to cover the paper, and soak overnight.

      4. Add two cups of shredded newsprint, more water. Boil, then simmer for two hours. Add water as needed to keep things sludgey. Turn off heat and leave to cool.

      5. One cup at a time, throw sludge in blender and pulse until pulpy. Throw pulp into big bowl.

      6. Add 3/4 cup of white glue to pulp and mix with hands.

      7. Press mixture into wire strainer, making rim a bit thicker. Roll an orange inside if you want it nice and even. Leave to dry overnight and next day, if necessary.

      8. Carefully press outside of strainer to release bowl.

      9. If you want it to last a while, coat with varnish.