I drive to the train station, park the car in its underground garage and buy a roundtrip ticket to New York. When I arrive, I go straight to Chinatown. I don’t quite know how to get there, though. It’s been five years since I’ve been in New York, my home city and also Abby’s. The borough narrows at the southern end close to where Chinatown is, so just take any subway train south and get off at Worth Street or Canal Street or Chambers, whichever comes first. I get on the subway and get off at Houston Street—I forgot Houston—and think I’m near Chinatown, but it turns out to be a long walk. I’m hungry—I rushed out of the house so fast, I didn’t have anything to eat and the train didn’t have a food car. I should stop in one of the small restaurants here and sit at the counter and have a bowl of soup and plate of noodles, but I don’t want to lose any time in looking for her.
I walk all around Chinatown. I think I cover every single block. This is crazy, I know, but I thought I could find her down here, or at least there was a chance. I don’t want her to be lost. She’ll get sad, frightened; maybe even terrified. She’s become that vulnerable. She used to like going alone to places—even faraway countries—she’s never been to before or hasn’t been to in a while. But not since she got so sick. She needs me. She once said I keep her alive. Not said it to me but wrote it four or five years ago in one of the notebooks I found of hers. “Phil keeps me alive. What to do?” and she dated it: October 6th; I forget the exact year. I give up looking for her in Chinatown. Only other place to go is the east forties. Maybe I’ll find her there. Since it was the last place I saw her, I should have gone there first.
I take the subway to Times Square, then the one-stop train shuttle there to Lexington Avenue and 42nd Street. I go upstairs and walk on 42nd Street to First Avenue. I walk down First Avenue to 34th Street, then walk up Second Avenue to 42nd Street, then walk down Third Avenue to 34th Street. Then I walk along all the sidestreets between First and Third avenues from 34th to 50th Streets. I look in stores. I look in most of the brownstones I pass and also the lobbies of the tall apartment and office buildings and even in a few movie theaters. This is crazy, I know, but for some reason I begin to think I’ll find her, that it’s more than a slight chance. But no Abby or wheelchair anyplace. And no wheelchairs in the ground-floor hallways of any of the brownstones, though a few baby carriages, none turned over.
I have to go to the bathroom. I go into a coffee shop, order a coffee at the lunch counter and go to the men’s room. I drink the coffee, have a buttered English muffin with it and ask the server behind the counter if she’s seen a woman in a wheelchair here today, and I describe Abby and the chair and its tote bag hanging on the back. “I was pushing her in the chair, got distracted for a few seconds and let go of it, which I almost never do, and she was either wheeled away by someone or wandered off by herself.”
“If she was in here I would’ve seen her,” the woman says. “I’ve been on duty all day, never a work break. The door to this place is hard to open from the outside by someone in a wheelchair, so I always have to come out from behind the counter to help.”
I pay and leave. I go to the corner of 40th Street and First Avenue, which is where she disappeared, and look around some more for her and then cup my hands around my mouth and shout “Abby, it’s Phil; come back to the spot. Abby, it’s Phil; come back to the spot.”
Lots of people look at me. One man stops and says “Anything wrong, Chief?”
“Yes,” I say, “I’ve lost my wife. She was in a wheelchair.”
“If she got separated from you in a wheelchair and was able to move it by herself, she’ll come back.”
“That’s why I’m shouting for her,” I say. “The streets are crowded and she’s sitting so low in the chair that she won’t be able to see me from it. But she’ll hear me and come back to the spot I lost her at.” I cup my hands around my mouth again and shout “Abby, Abby, it’s Phil. Come back to the spot.”
A policeman comes over and says to me “You can’t be shouting out like that, sir. Is it something I can help you out with?”
“My wife, in a wheelchair, was here with me and then vanished.”
“I can take a description of her wife and have a patrol car look for her.”
“No, I say, “it won’t work. This is crazy, I know, to do what I’m doing, but I had to see it through. Thank you. I’ll go home now. I just have to believe she’ll be all right.”
I hail a cab, take it to Penn Station, and get the next train back to my city. I better watch out, I tell myself. I could get arrested. Taken in. Held overnight. Locked up for I don’t know how long in a nuthouse. Not something I need.
I’ve been writing the same story for weeks. I can’t seem to get past page four. The woman’s name has been Delia, Mona, Sonya, Emma, Patrice. The narrator’s name has been Herman, Kenneth, Michael, Jacob, Jake. From now on I’ll call her “his wife” and him “he.” The locale is a Baltimore suburb. The time is today. The title has been Liebesträume, Nothing to Read, Lists, The List, A List, The Wedding March, Wedding March, The Church Bench, Humming. I always put the title near the top of the first manuscript page. So I always have to have the title before I start the final draft of the first page of the story, which I’ve done with this story about a hundred times. I think I know what I want to say in the story and where I want it to go. Maybe they’re the same thing. What I’m having trouble with is how to say it and keeping the story from being boring, stodgily written and overexplanatory. In other words, a story I wouldn’t want to read. It’s been like a wrestling match. The story’s fighting me and I’m fighting it. Sometimes I think it’s got me in its hold and sometimes I think I’ve got it in mine. What I want to finally do is pin it to the mat rather than be pinned. I’ve fought like this with a story before, but never for so long, and I always won. But end of wrestling analogy. I probably used it incorrectly anyway. This is what I’ve got so far: the start. I want to continue writing it after what I write what I’ve already written down.
An Episcopal church is directly across the street from his house. (In some versions it’s “. . . is right across the street . . .” and in others “. . . is across the street . . .” When I’m retyping a page, even after fifty times, I’m always changing a word or two or even a line. But I won’t stop the story anymore like that till I get to the place where I left off.)
An Episcopal church is right across the street from his house. Every afternoon between five and six he takes a walk in his neighborhood and almost always ends up sitting on a bench in front of the church. There are four benches there, all in various places in front of the church and each facing a different direction. He’s sat at least once on all of them and prefers the one that looks out on the street that runs parallel to the church. Not the street his house is on but the one perpendicular to it. He likes that bench best because it gets the most sun in late afternoon and there’s more to see from it. He usually takes a book with him on these walks and reads for about a half hour on the bench if the weather permits it. If it’s not too hot or cold and it isn’t raining or snowing. He always takes his walk, though, no matter what the weather’s like. Well, if it’s raining hard, he doesn’t take a walk. But if it’s snowing or just a light rain, he’ll walk but he doesn’t take a book with him or end up on the bench there. It’d be too wet to sit on. All the benches would. None are protected by trees. If he knows there’s not going to be enough light out to read on the bench by the time he gets there or it’s already dark by the time he starts out, he also doesn’t take a book with him, though he still might sit on the bench for a few minutes. But if he’s tired from the walk or his lower back hurts, which happens a lot by the time he finishes his walk,