BuzzzzzOff
presents
Buddy’s
Universe
A Beagle’s Life
Book I
Text copright © 2015 BuzzzzOff
All Righs Reserved
Published in eBook format by eBookIt.com
ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-2572-6
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.
About BuzzzzOff
The mental masturbation disgorgement (zero dosage) of less than professional, albeit experienced, fun-loving, albeit profound, opinionated, albeit rational, missives dedicated to those GastroNaughties and VineNaughties of exceedingly discerning, albeit not too snobby, palates.
And all the other people who just happen to think a lot (too much?) about the world in which we live, perhaps from a slightly different, possibly crazy, perspective.
About Buddy’s Universe
Hi! My name is Buddy. I am a Beagle. Since I can read and write, I am no ordinary Beagle. I also am very fond of Mental Masturbation.
Mental Masturbation, Dear Reader, is a form of anxiety relief not unlike the more pedestrian efforts of stroking either the male or female private parts, albeit devoid of any relief as it is the process, not the conclusion, that is important.
Simply stated, Mental Masturbation afflicts my ever-wandering, always-worrying, exceedingly-addictive mind that works 24 hours per day, 365 days per year. I even can confirm that Mental Masturbation manages to continue spinning an extra day during leap year.
The existence of my condition is as unforgettable as my schoolboy day-dreams of having “relations” with my twenty-something year young, smoking-hot French teacher, who bounced about the classroom surely aware of her impact on teenage boys…and possibly girls.
Therefore, Dear Reader, I do not seek to discuss whether or not Mental Masturbation exists.
I do, however, wish to discover the “why” about all sorts of topics swirling around my brain.
This collection of missives, which I hope you will read (albeit I do not know why you would care so to do) and for which I beg you to pay, is my banal attempt to understand the “why” of life. Whether I am discussing my adventures or thinking about meaningless things, I hope you find my words interesting, fun, thought-provoking or, well, you bought the book so at that point my hopes already have been achieved, i.e. I made money to buy more treats!
Oh yes, if anyone has a cure for Mental Masturbation, I would be most grateful with any elixir that would speed me towards enlightenment.
Hugs and Kisses,
Buddy
Buddy’s Blog - The Present
Hi, my name is Buddy.
I am a dog. Human Beings - funny creatures that walk on two, rather than four, legs and cannot clean their own private parts without the assistance of soap and water - say I am a Beagle. OK, I guess I am a Beagle. After all, Human Beings, at least in my experience, provide food, water, wine and shelter so a Beagle I am.
Buddy the Beagle. I can live with that.
My parents - at least the ones I have now - are Human Beings. Human Beings are either girls or ladies or boys or men.
The lady, who smells the best ever, is called Violet. She is my Mummy. The man, who shares some sweet water with me (he calls it wine), is called Chuck. He is my Daddy.
They told me I was probably born in August. I do not know when that is. It is not the month I celebrate my birthday though. I do my "Happy Birthday" thingy on January 20…just in case you want to send me a message…or dog biscuit. Anyhow, that is the day when I moved in with Daddy and Mummy and my name became Buddy. I think that is the best day for me to celebrate my "birth”! After all, I had a “challenging” start in life… Anyway, Mental Masturbation I may be growing older, but I am most certainly not growing up!
Mummy and Daddy are nice to me. They give me food, but I always want more. They give me water, I always want more and, surprisingly, they always let me have more. They give me sweet water Daddy calls wine, but they definitely will never give me too much. Long story I will tell you later, but suffice it to say I apparently drank too much sweet water one time and peed on Daddy.
No more food, only a little bit of sweet water and a lot of water? So many rules…I am confused.
They walk me around the neighborhood so I can smell everything and do what they call pee and poop or “doing my business”. As I previously mentioned, I really like smelling...and licking…so I like walking around the neighborhood. I do not know why I like smelling and licking. Sometimes I even do it despite not liking the way the thing smells or tastes. I cannot stop myself.
My parents have arranged three places throughout the house where I can sleep, but Daddy will not let me sleep in the place he calls “horizontal showtime” and Mummy calls “horizontal sleeptime”. They simply cannot seem to agree if it is “showtime” or “sleeptime”. They do agree it is “horizontal”. I only know “sleeptime” so, yet again, I am very confused.
They let me say hi to all the people and stick my nose in all the good smelling parts of other dogs and some cats and even some Human Beings called girls. That is a lot of fun. As I said, I like smelling and licking. Whenever I am smelling or licking a dog, cat or Human Being in their private parts, Daddy says “that’s my boy” while Mummy says “stop doing that, Buddy”. Also, very confusing. I will join Daddy’s team on this subject!
I understand when my parents speak to me. Mummy speaks to me in something called Chinese. Daddy speaks to me in something called English.
I do not know why I understand both Chinese and English - I do not even know what “understanding” or “Chinese” or “English” means.
I do not understand why my parents always look at me with a crinkled, angry face and say "shush" when I speak to them. They call it “barking”. I do not know what that means. I do know they dislike “barking”. I now also know what “shush” means. I do not like it.