| Fixable Life, Inc. |
| Shadows of Belonging Understand the Ins and Outs of Emotional Connecting |
Drs. Ron and Nancy Rockey
Copyright 2015 Nancy and Ron Rockey,
All rights reserved.
Published in eBook format by eBookIt.com
ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-2537-5
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.
DEDICATION
To all those who long for
intimate connections with others
and cannot seem to find them
in a satisfying way,
and
To those whose stories illustrate the reasons
for poor connections, making
understanding and change
available to others.
| Humans are to begin the connecting process early in the womb experience and continue immediately after birth and in the two following years. Some are able to experience intimate connections and others are not. Why? |
Preface
The previous book in this series used a famous quote by a well-known British author, and here again, we would like to quote C. S. Lewis.
“We live in the Shadowlands. The sun is always shining
somewhere else. Round a bend in the road.”
Every human being is born with a need and a built-in desire to belong, to connect with Mother and Father. It is a requirement in our hearts that longs to and must be fulfilled as newborns, fresh out of the womb. For our first four hours, we are given perfect vision so that we can see who is holding us, talking to us, kissing us, adoring us, and to whom we were just moments ago connected and encompassed physically. And yet for many, this out-of-the-womb connection and embracement did not take place right away; circumstances, ill health and hospital protocols may have stood in the way.
Newborns need to be totally cared for by others because, unlike a new calf or lamb, we can’t stand on our own and cannot even get to the source of nutrition by ourselves. Others must care for us, hold us, keep us clean and provide adequate nurturing, including food and the warmth of cuddling, of contact, of affirmation. The “others” should be Mom and Dad. When we are supplied with this need in a loving manner, we can live in the light of feeling that we belong. This emotional need is not a “would be nice to experience,” but an absolute requirement for emotional stability both in infancy and childhood, and in the adult years to come. Sadly, many never have had this need fulfilled, and as a result feel like they do not truly belong to anyone. They live in the shadows, under a black cloud, so to speak, just wishing that someday that special someone will come along. They do not know that a partner or lover in adulthood will never fill the hole left in infancy.
In order for human newborns to obtain the very things they need, they must have a female mother and a male father. But unfortunately not every newborn is so blessed, and because of this, the unlucky ones will exist in the shadows of belonging – in the land of “wishing it was so.”
To facilitate conception, of course there has to be both male and female, that’s the way the life-cycle works, even if the life is created by in-vitro fertilization. Equally important are the needs for the presence of both parents during pregnancy and after birth. Beyond the physical presence of both parents, is the need for the emotional presence, the total involvement of both in the daily life of a child.
How often does the ideal occur? How well is this accomplished in the life of every child? Was it accomplished in your life? What of the child whose mother was ill during pregnancy or whose male partner abandons her? What of the child whose mother is stressed or doesn’t have the support of husband, parents or others during her pregnancy? Remember, a woman’s hormones are often willy-nilly during those nine months, and stress doesn’t work well under those conditions! What of the unwanted child given out for adoption? What of the child whose parents have mannerisms and behaviors that do not blend well with healthy parenting? Scars from these wounds and many others can remain forever in the hearts and minds of most children who could not get what they needed from birth parents, and those scars prevent children from basking in the light of belonging! Instead they will exist in the shadowy gloom of “if only” and will spend their entire lives endeavoring to fill the giant emptiness left in their hearts. Unfulfilled desires will cause the children to search for and even give themselves to unhealthy mates in order to get love and attention, only to discover that what they really needed goes unfulfilled. Personal scars in parents who themselves were wounded yield children who grow up into adulthood with scars they received from their wounded parents.
We must also consider the child who grows up in the home of parents who for whatever reason, such as their career, their poor marriage, their personal inability to bond, cannot and do not bond emotionally to their child. Physical presence is only one of the requirements for raising an emotionally healthy child. Emotional distance causes the child to take responsibility for the distance, with self-worth being negatively impacted by this wound.
In this book, we will look at what is needed for a human being to be sound emotionally and to have the ability to connect intimately with another human being. The attitudes and behaviors of your parents impact three to four generations after them, recent science reveals. Emotional distance and the inability to intimately connect may have been passed down to you from generations past. Regardless of the origin of your inabilities, you are fixable if you are teachable! You can move out of the shadows and enjoy the sunlight of real love!
Introduction
Perhaps, you have felt lonely far too long and cannot understand why you just do not seem to connect well with others. Perhaps you want to improve any relationship you have that isn’t working as well as you would like it to. Maybe you feel that you can never get beyond a surface relationship with anyone. It could be that you are not the reason for lack of intimacy (in-to-me-see) in a friendship or maybe even in a marriage. It could be that those you feel attracted to cannot move beyond surface conversation. Wanna’ know why? Whatever your reason for reading this book, you should be optimistic about what you can learn here about yourself and others and what positive changes you can create as a result. While the temptation will be to look at others in your circle of family and friends, the wiser choice is to spend this time reading and applying this information to YOURSELF! Keep your eyes on the mark (feeling like you belong), and head straight for it!
Now, let’s look at you. There are some interesting scientific facts that would be helpful for you to learn about the brain and how it works. There are some interesting psychological facts about how a human being responds to mother while developing in the womb and in the early interactions with birth parents or primary caregivers. It is also helpful to know how a child responds to neglect, abandonment, abuse or security and love at home.
Have you struggled in the darkness of anger, sadness or loneliness? It is essential that you understand that your feelings – your emotions – do not come to you from out of the blue, but each has an origin, an instigating experience(s), that produce within your mind,