Rommeler prided himself on being able to provide accurate facts and non-judgmental opinions, but a hint of sarcasm could not be concealed. “To our knowledge, Earth has never been visited by an alien species. They have not yet even traveled to their own moon; they have barely begun to study their own solar system. Yet they are convinced they are unique—that their planet is the only one in the entire Universe with life, and that they have somehow been blessed and ordained as the ‘chosen ones’ as they call themselves.”
The Chairman raised an eyebrow, shook his head ever so slightly, and said, “There is little more dangerous than the arrogance of stupidity.”
Chapter Two
Einstein was a Tralarian
Appropriate data and images were displayed as the Chairman continued to brief the Committee.
“From our monitoring over the last thirty-two hours, I can tell you that Earth’s development has been quite uneven. Their literature base is fairly extensive, and would be much more impressive had there not been repeated episodes of book-burning, the most recent within the last quarter century.”
That caught everyone’s attention, a few even winced. Every known civilization had at one time or another burned books, purposefully destroying knowledge—including on Oria, but that had been long ago.
“Some of their arts, especially music,” said the Chairman continuing the narrative, “may even be superior to ours. But their sciences are almost two millennia behind us. They have not yet discovered all of the planets of their solar system, or even a fraction of the moons of the known planets. They have only recently developed air travel and still rely almost exclusively on non-renewable fossil fuels for energy.”
As the image changed from a propeller-driven Lockheed Constellation, complete with its exhaust trail tailing off to what seemed to everyone around the table to be the corner of the room farthest from them, to a skin-and-bones young man, whose ribs could be counted from afar, with leather reigns over his shoulders, slogging knee-deep through a rice paddy behind a plow pulled by an equally gaunt ox, the Chairman said, “Many areas still rely on beasts of burden and drink impure water. The vast majority of Earthlings labor in menial, back-breaking, mind-numbingly boring jobs from early childhood until their death. Many of their almost innumerable religions, and we’ve counted more than five thousand so far,” he said finding it almost difficult to appreciate his own words, “are based on superstition and fear of retribution rather than kindness or a desire to help others. Religious tolerance is uncommon, and in a recent planet-wide war, millions were systematically exterminated merely for their beliefs.”
Rommeler stopped speaking so everyone could hear the Orian-translated voice of Leonard Graves narrating scenes from Victory at Sea, with the music of Richard Rodgers playing softly in the background, showing what the Allies found when they liberated the Nazi concentration camps.
“The brand of tyranny and oppression will forever scar the conscience of mankind…Man inflicting their greatest indignity on man…Man vilified, man broke, this is society at its blackest depths, the human cost that no statistic can even suggest, no words describe.”
The look on the Committee members faces were the same as the Allied soldiers as they gave succor to the pleading cadaveric survivors. Even General Raton, who’d seen it all on the battlefield and had helped Chairman Rommeler assemble the presentation, was visibly moved.
“Oh my,” said Piros Redd, representative of the Arts, shaking his head.
“Sickening, isn’t it?” said the Chairman. “You must understand the kind of people we are dealing with on Earth.” Heightening the sensitivity of the Committee members were persistent rumors, which were eventually confirmed, that Rennedee was committing similar atrocities on Oria. The Chairman gave everyone, including himself, a few moments to regain their composure.
“I’ll now get to the reason for this meeting, why this far-off, relatively backward planet has suddenly become so important to us. In the recent past, Earth had a truly gifted scientist named Albert Einstein.”
Displayed was an image not of the young Einstein, whose genius had revolutionized a planet, but of an old man with a quizzical, almost whimsical look, his wrinkles betraying his years: a loose-fitting sweater, floppy, walrus-like mustache, and long, frazzled white hair that stuck out in every direction. The contrast between the verbal description of Earth’s most brilliant scientist and the picture of an old man who looked like his finger was in a light socket was shockingly obvious.
“One-half century ago, Einstein described the basic laws governing the relationship between time, mass, energy, light and gravity.”
Ennui Riccardo, Chairperson of Oria’s largest company developing bio-mechanical intelligence said in her usual precise, insightful, and invariably correct way, “I believe Einstein was a Tralarian.”
The Chairman was caught off guard by the comment. For just a moment he let slip that look where you tilt your head a little, scrunch up one side of your face, and shrug your shoulders as if to say, Why didn’t I think of that? But Rommeler was quick on his feet, and prided himself on never appearing to be taken by surprise. He said simply, “That certainly fits with their history.”
Riccardo was right. Earth had been visited by aliens. There were no humans that smart. Einstein was a Tralarian named Slanish Paldius who assumed Einstein’s existence when he worked at the patent office in Bern, picking his name out at random from the marriage records.
Tralarian society and commerce was based entirely on a plant named the volo; the pinkish-yellow, rose-like petals of which produced the most potent aphrodisiac in the Universe; that the Tralarians marketed under the trade name ENDORFUN®. To compare ENDORFUN® to Viagra® is like comparing Viagra® to mountain oysters. It was as equally effective for males and females. It’s now also marketed for everything from depression, dyspepsia, poor hearing, and poor vision to lumbago. Scientists still aren’t exactly sure how it works in such conditions, but everyone who takes it certainly seems happier. It has now been approved for daily use and is covered by all insurance plans with no co-pay.
The volo grew wild and required just one week’s work, during the pleasantly cool fall of their year, to harvest and process. This life of great leisure, pleasure, and wealth made the Tralarians worse than the spoiled children of hereditary aristocracy. They were arrogant, demanding, petulant and insolent. It was easier to hold a squealing, writhing piglet slathered in Mazola in each arm than to try to talk reasonably with a Tralarian. And if you didn’t put up with their tantrums, you didn’t get any ENDORFUN®.
Convinced of their own self-righteousness, in a sense of misguided compassion, they had the oft-repeated habit of introducing advanced knowledge and technology into cultures they considered primitive. Society and the environment were suddenly confronted with situations for which they had no controls or limits, no checks and balances.
Unfortunately, one of the Tralarian’s rare virtues was their dogged persistence. They were like the eipparc, a barracuda-like fish on Oria; once they got a hold of something, they became obsessed, they just wouldn’t let go. The most often cited example, and there were many, of their misguided do-gooderism was the tragedy on Alfian Blue. All adolescents on the planet developed a skin condition similar to acne. Since it always resolved spontaneously by adulthood and left no physical scars, it was just accepted as part of growing up there.
But the Tralarians knew better. They knew it was hurting their self-esteem. It was just disgraceful that the kids’ parents weren’t concerned enough. Without permission or notice they introduced a microbe they knew would prevent the condition. But the microbe almost immediately mutated, producing a prion-like protein that attacked the central nervous system of the males, causing a wasting, demented, and painful death. Anyone who witnessed the agony, the near-constant screaming and thrashing about to find comfort that could not be found, could never get the image out of their mind; it was the most sickening experience of their life.
In less than a year, every male on Alfian Blue was dead. Because males were the