Always Turned On. Jennifer Schneider

or her personal interests and behaviors. People who are into cars can chat with others who are into cars. People with cancer can learn more about that disease, join support groups designed to help people with cancer, and gather information for potential treatments they can later discuss with their doctor. For lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people—especially those who may have trouble or feel uncomfortable meeting like-minded others in the real world—computers can provide a supportive environment and a way of connecting. The same is true for people with unconventional or culturally frowned-upon sexual “lifestyles,” such as those interested in cross-dressing or dominance-based sex.

      Some Internet users with atypical or unconventional sexual interests such as BDSM, foot worship, and chubby chasing have formed “virtual communities” in support of their sexual interests. Nowadays, people whose patterns of sexual arousal previously marginalized them and caused them to hide or simply avoid/ignore their interest can readily find like-minded others who share their enthusiasm and are looking to engage in the sex that actually turns them on.

      Online Community (The Bad)

      The Internet is also, unfortunately, a place where people who have deviant or illegal sexual interests such as pedophilia or exhibitionism can exercise those interests. Prior to the Internet, many people flirted in fantasy with these various behaviors but were held back from acting out because of potential negative consequences, or they simply didn’t have access to the people with whom they could have this type of sex. On the Internet they can find others who will support and encourage these interests, thereby lowering the boundary between fantasy and action. This has the strong potential to normalize harmful/illegal sexual behaviors for people who otherwise might never have indulged their interest, and the results can be catastrophic for both the person and their potential victims. In this respect, digital technology can sometimes drive not only sexual addiction but also sexual offending.

      SEXUAL ADDICTION VS. SEXUAL OFFENDING

      Sex addicts are men and women who engage compulsively in one or more sexual behaviors, continue these behaviors despite significant negative consequences, and spend a great deal of time thinking about, planning, and engaging in sexual activity. Over time, sex becomes the primary focus of their lives. A sex offender may have similar symptoms, but sex offenders differ in that they engage in sexual activities that violate the rights of others, break the law, or both.

      •Sexual addiction takes place within the context of a solo sexual act or in a relationship with a consenting adult.

      •Sexual offending involves nonconsensual forms of sex—sex with those who don’t want it, sex with those who don’t know it’s happening (voyeurism), sex with those who are too young to consent (including viewing pornography featuring minors), sex with those who are mentally incapacitated and therefore can’t consent, and sex by force.

      Sex addiction may take away or diminish a person’s health, self-esteem, marriage, or job, and may personally offend many people, but seeking or having a lot of indiscriminate sex is not the same as sexual offending. Although many spouses or partners of sex addicts worry that their children or families might be at risk because there is a sex addict in the house, the reality is that few sex addicts are also sexual offenders. Their sexual choices and activities, while painful, problematic, and destructive to existing relationships, are typically consensual and legal.

      ONLINE ADDICTIONS INVOLVE SOME PEOPLE BUT NOT MOST

      Most people use digital technology in healthy ways that improve their lives in all facets, including their sexual lives. Only a small minority of people who go online, even for sexual purposes, struggle with their tech-driven behaviors. For those who do struggle, however, tech-driven sexuality can be every bit as problematic as an addiction to heroin, alcohol, gambling, binge eating, or cocaine. This painful reality will be examined further as this book progresses, starting in the next chapter, which is designed to help readers recognize the difference between simple pleasure seeking and sexual addiction.