It was Chatterton who eventually intervened, pleading for peace and common sense.
‘All of you have had the most extraordinary and stressful time. No one has died. I think we need a break.’
‘How can anyone die, we’re only throwing food,’ said Hector, with his usual spectacular bad timing. There was silence as everyone looked at Hector, and it felt very different to when the Colonel was praising him.
Pierre then intervened, explaining that the zoo would be a good place to be together as a family, and suggested they cleaned themselves up. The cafe owner was just appearing with paper rolls, looking angry and muttering about payment in broken English.
‘Will we be safe?’ was the only thing Dad managed to say.
‘I don’t believe you are safe anywhere,’ said Pierre, ‘but a false trail is being laid back to the camp and that will help. Several of us will guard you.’
‘Do you have experience of this?’ Dad asked, his face stern.
‘We will do our best, and yes we have experience,’ said Andrè, ‘My colleague here just destroyed a tank with a shoulder launched missile while under fire from a machine gun, so our best is, how you say, not bad.’
There was a pause before Dad seemed to sag.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, ‘I should be grateful. I seem to get cross very easily.’
Colonel Bertrand said nothing, but walked out past Dad, while laying a hand on his shoulder.
‘He has had quite a tough time too,’ Pierre said once the Colonel had gone.
As they made their arrangements to leave Hector noticed that Andrè had several pictures of the aftermath of the food fight on his mobile phone. Even Hector appreciated that they would soon be distributed around the camp.
Hector and Kate had little problem crawling through the armoured car and out the other side into the small Citroen hidden from view. Dad and Mum found this a surprising and cramped introduction to Hector’s and Kate’s new world.
Worse was to follow. As soon as they were in the car a small old man got into the driving seat and explained using grunts and rapidly spoken French that they should all get down and cover themselves with blankets. There was a smell to the car, and Kate wondered if it was more commonly used for moving goats or other small livestock.
The car took several attempts to start, and sounded more like a large lawn mower than a normal vehicle. It lurched forward, and the bumpy trip to the zoo began. Nothing could be seen, but the old man’s driving seemed erratic and at times alarming.
It was strange that their family reunion should continue in a moving car under the blankets, with the smell of petrol and goats. The sound of the road rushing just inches below poured through a couple of rusting holes in the bare metal floor.
‘Trevor, I know you think they have not done well, but I couldn’t believe it when you started a fight,’ said Mum, in a tired tone.
‘I didn’t start a fight, I just threw a cake,’ explained Dad.
‘And Hector,’ Mum continued, ‘you didn’t need to join in. Your father was very angry, and we’ve both been very worried, but you had no excuse. That was just bad behaviour. I expect you to apologise to Colonel Bertrand and his soldiers.’
‘Yes Mum,’ said Hector in his resigned tone.
‘Well there’s one good thing,’ said Kate, ‘Dad and Hector have got to be the only people on earth who have ever taken on the French special forces with cream cakes and pastry nibbles.’
As the conversation continued, Kate was struck by how much Mum and Dad knew. They had clearly been kept fully informed. Dad said very little, while Mum kept alternating between being angry and tearful. She was obviously surprised they were not gibbering wrecks, but also relieved that they were not full of bullet holes or wrapped in bandages.
When the car eventually stopped, and they were told to remove the blankets, they found themselves on a narrow street between old buildings. Kate and Hector were both surprised to be let out onto the street with no guard. They were even more surprised to see Mrs Warp round the corner and walk smartly towards them.
CHAPTER FIVE
Zoo
‘Oh,’ said Kate, a look of horror on her face as Mrs Warp smiled in that friendly, reassuring way she could instantly produce.
‘Hello Kate. Hello Hector,’ said Mrs Warp, as if nothing at all had happened to her in the past. Hector reflected that in fact nothing had happened to this Mrs Warp in the past. It was another Mrs Warp they had mercilessly destroyed with water, an axe and a bomb in a microwave.
Mrs Warp introduced herself to Mum and Dad. She immediately put them at their ease, just as she had Hector and Kate when they had first met her.
‘Mrs Warp,’ Kate tentatively asked, ‘Do you remember meeting us last time?’
‘Oh yes dear. I have all of those memories, but not the very last ones.’
‘Good,’ said Hector quickly and firmly.
‘But, I have been filled in on everything that happened,’ Mrs Warp said, turning to look Hector in the eye.
‘Oops,’ said Hector.
‘I’m really sorry,’ Kate began.
‘It does not matter at all,’ said Mrs Warp kindly. ‘It was a misunderstanding on your part, and a sort of malfunction on mine. It could happen to anyone.’
‘It couldn’t happen to me,’ Hector muttered to Kate, ‘I don’t run on eighteen volts.’
‘Hector, shut up,’ Kate hissed.
‘And my eyeballs don’t flash different colours,’ added Hector.
‘I bet you wish they did,’ Kate whispered.
Hector did not respond, not least because he had just launched into a rather active daydream where he was terrifying the religious studies teacher and some of his classmates with his blue, white and red flashing eyes.
Mum and Dad both looked puzzled. They clearly did not understand the use of the word malfunction.
Once inside the zoo, Kate and Hector caught sight of Andrè and Pierre. They were dressed as zoo staff, and both were picking up litter in different places.
Mrs Warp was very good at small talk, asking Mum and Dad about themselves, and chatting about the zoo. When Mum asked about Mrs Warp she simply explained that her job was security, and she was good at it because she did not look like a minder. Kate saw Mum and Dad exchange looks. It crossed her mind that they had no idea how strong Mrs Warp was. Kate rather hoped that she did not still have the machine guns the other Mrs Warp had fired so wildly.
The first half an hour was spent wondering around looking at the animal enclosures, all of which appeared too small to Kate’s eyes. The zoo was large, with many trees and shrubs creating a green view in almost any direction. Nevertheless, it had an unfinished feel to it, as if every addition had been yet another plan and another load of concrete.
Mrs Warp was very good at chatting. She asked questions about Mum, Dad, Kate and Hector, and seemed to have an encyclopaedic knowledge of the animals in the zoo. Indeed, Kate suspected that was exactly what she had; an encyclopaedia added to a chip in her head, or wherever her brain was really located.
It was not long before Kate was quietly bored, while Hector’s restlessness was rather more obvious. There were only so many amazing south american giant rodents that can be amazing.
Hector nudged Kate, and she was just about to shove him back, when she realised that he was trying to tell her something. Hector had the Warp emergency override in his hand. Just as she was wondering what he was up to, Hector moved to the side of Mrs