I want to make sense of some things,
Some feelings, some emotions.
Everything runs together,
Because without my glasses
I can’t really appreciate the beauty of a print
Woven by love.
I can’t really see what I’m looking at,
Everything is a strain.
Lord, be my glasses.
Help me to clearly see,
Everything that has become muddied
And blurred by pain.
CHAPTER 2
Tell It Like It Is
It’s not happiness. It’s not sorrow. It’s not hope. It is not despair. The danger of ignoring what pain is telling us is the numbness that results from denial.
Though pain is uncomfortable and challenging to the spirit, it alerts you to your issues. Like a toothache or discomfort in the body, pain may be signaling that deeper issues need to be addressed. Numbness blocks the message pain is sending to our bodies and, like an undetected cancer, emotional issues may be festering in our hearts while ravaging our spirits and damaging our relationships.
You have convinced yourself that you’re okay and that what happened meant nothing to you. But deep down inside, you know something is wrong. You know the incident has left its imprint in your emotions. The fact that you aren’t hurting any more has deceived you, and you have managed to make yourself and others believe that you are actually recovering. Are you fooling yourself? Are you really healed or are you just desensitized?
EMOTIONAL NARCOTICS
Pain and disappointment work together to form the powerful narcotic of numbness. It produces a false sense of reality and creates a detached awareness from our surroundings. It dopes the emotions into silence and causes the mind to draw a blank over the offenses. You are in a self-preservation mode that is leading you into more danger than what you are struggling to protect yourself from.
Emotions are the seasonings of life. Is there anything that feels better than love? Our ability to experience sensations in our spirit is priceless. Even negative emotions can be used to our advantage when we examine them to gain a greater understanding of our thought processes. But like everything else, when our emotions go unchecked and are allowed to dictate our actions outside of the parameters of reason — we are in danger! Despite how dangerous it can be to lose emotional control, there is one thing more dangerous than this — it is the denial of our emotions. Nothing has a more destructive effect on your emotional and spiritual health than your refusal to face your emotions. In order to deal with them you will create a false reality that keeps you from facing the truth.
Your refusal to face the truth will negatively impact all areas of your life.
THE TRUTH THAT FREES
A friend of mine used to complain that she didn’t feel part of her own family. Though she knew they loved her and that she loved them, she felt that they did not understand her. Upon getting to know my friend and her family more closely, I quickly realized that the problem wasn’t her family but her refusal to deal with her past. A victim of sexual abuse as child, she was angry at the loss of her innocence and believed her parents had failed to do everything they could to protect her. As the oldest child, she resented her younger sisters and brothers. Her anger at the abuse and the abuser was transferred to them. She resented any interest her parents showed in her siblings, and viewed it as favoritism. While she had diagnosed her family as being the problem, her bitterness over her childhood was the real issue. Her negativity distanced her from her siblings as they sensed her resentfulness, and they shied away from developing an intimate relationship with her. Without knowing it, she was abusive and critical towards those she loved most. Until she was ready to deal with the “real” problem, she was unable to enjoy healthy relationships. Only the truth could restore her life. The truth you know and acknowledge is the key to your liberation and emotional freedom.
H.E.A.L.I.N.G.TM can’t come until you acknowledge your present condition and locate the source of your emotions. True personal change begins when we become ruthless in digging up the truth about ourselves. It transcends your personal experience, when you are able to share your lessons openly with others without fear.
Life is limited when you allow negative experiences to permanently alter your perception of life’s possibilities. Wisdom dictates that our experiences are commas in the sentence of life — meaning more can come after them. The story can take on a new direction. You have stunted yourself when you let your negative experience become a period — you’ve closed the door on something new.
NO EXCUSES
Sometimes our emotions can take a lesson from the physically challenged. They learn how to live despite their disabilities. When we are temporarily handicapped emotionally, we must learn to live in control of our condition. Sometimes we just can’t spring back immediately, but we must never become “used to” being emotionally disabled.
We can’t use excuses, because life doesn’t accept excuses. Life responds to persistence. There are no magic cures and sometimes you just have to do it. I can’t tell you how to muster up the “feelings” to get the job done. Just do it even though you don’t feel it — the emotions will soon follow suit. Whatever you’re afraid to face, force yourself to face it. Hiding from it doesn’t make it go away. Hiding only serves to make its effects last even longer.
numb
numb
numb...
frozen in a moment
in a place in time.
my past and future
playing before me.
everything is in motion,
yet i am sadly still.
living in a limbo that i don’t understand.
aware of the changes before me
knowing they are “the inevitable.”
nevertheless, i fight them
i struggle...
trapped in the questions
for which others lack answers.
waiting for my body and mind
to line up with my heart.
everything i do and feel
seems to be standing outside of the real me.
like a robot, programmed to “just dealing.”
what about overcoming?
mustering strength for every move
don’t take my smile for granted,
because it took everything in me to paint it for you.
please let me make you laugh,
because only then do i know that i can
touch someone else.
numb...
numb...
encased in ice.
reality, rehearsal
truth, fiction
who do you see?
the