If you just want to understand where you are, how you got there, and how you can make positive changes in your life, this book is also for you. If you find yourself alone and lonely, and wish that someone understood your plight and could be the confidant that you need, you just may find your solutions here. Let's begin at life's beginnings and discover how all of mankind has been set up—how, as individuals, we can move toward peace, joy, love and change, from covering up to fessing up and living up to the full potential that we were created to experience.
Chapter One
The Set-Up
In the very beginning of mankind, we started off on the wrong foot! We wanted more than what we had. Selfishness became the norm for mankind, and relationships with others became problematic. You know how it is, don't you? We are still like that today. If there's something within view of us, something that is or isn't good for us, we want it if it catches our eye and tickles our fancy. We tend to have the hardest time staying away from what we know we shouldn't have because it will hurt us. We just have to try it, even if it's taboo. To children, if the forbidden "do not touch" looks attractive, they long to get the object in their hands. And once we have what we desire, we have to have more, and there we go down the path toward self-pleasing and narcissism.
The set-up for our continued suffering occurred at the beginning of time and continues its trek down through time in each generation and in every family. Our genes carry within them the characteristics of the generations before us—at least four generations prior to ours. Our environment from conception onward, combined with those genes we inherited, determines who we are, how we tend to think and feel, and, most definitely, how we behave. And our genes have been, according to fairly new science, designed to be changed. Several important ingredients combine to facilitate change.
EARLY INFLUENCES
The latest scientific research, combined with years of the study of mankind, has determined that who you become is greatly influenced by your time in your mother's womb. But even what science has assumed for years—that we are not changeable or fixable—has been turned on its heels by new science. New science assures us that we are changeable and fixable. There is hope for us if we want to change and become emotionally unchained from the negative influences of our beginnings.
From the moment of conception and until you were born, you were increasingly influenced by what went on around you in the womb. Your mother's health, her stress level, sounds in her environment, her ability to connect with you as you grew and developed, and her hormone levels all had an impact on your development. Believe it or not, according to Dr. Thomas Verny, a child psychiatrist and pediatrician who has researched the womb environment for a number of years, "the most impactful influence on a developing child in the womb is the relationship between a pregnant mother and the man who impregnated her." If that relationship is ended, if he did not want her to carry through with the pregnancy, or if he is absent or abusive, those conditions would negatively impact the child as it developed in the womb. Just remember, though: It's all fixable. It's not fixable by changing the past—that is impossible! But what IS possible is changing the negative emotions you may keep inside you for nearly a lifetime. If you are teachable, you are fixable!
Adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol, hormones that are necessary for us to react properly in an emergency, are also produced in stress. But when produced in a larger than normal amount in a pregnant woman, they can cause abnormal connections between the neurons in the brain of a fetus. The hormones travel from the mother to the fetus via her placenta. This does not mean that the baby will necessarily be abnormal, but it may be hypervigilant and overly sensitive, especially to perceived rejection.
Another effect that has bearing on you results if your delivery or process of being born was a difficult one. Adding to the physical difficulty of a complicated birth would be the absence of your birth father during your delivery. Birth complications include but aren't limited to:
•Cesarean section
•Premature birth
•Emergency delivery due to hemorrhage from placenta previa or abruption
•Baby in distress (abnormally low or high heart rate)
•Breech or transverse position of baby in the uterus
•Use of forceps or suction cup to pull baby out of the birth canal
•Mother's health compromised due to bleeding or high blood pressure
Add to the above the inability of your mother to bond with you emotionally. There is a list of reasons why she might not have been able to bond, such as:
•The way her own parents did or did not bond with her
•Her relationship with your birth father (absent or abusive)
•Pregnancy came at an inconvenient time
•Conception took place outside of marriage
•You were of the wrong sex, so your birth displeased her
•You looked like your father or someone from his side of the family, from which she was alienated
•You reminded her of someone on her side that she disliked
•She was upset by the change in her figure
The list of reasons goes on and on, but the most likely is that she was not well attached to her own parents and therefore lacked both the knowledge and the experience of bonding with a child.
RON'S STORY
Ron was an unwanted child! Though his mother and father were fairly stable, they did not want and couldn't afford a fourth child; so every attempt had been made to end this pregnancy, without success.
Butch, as they nicknamed him when they saw his size, was born in his parent's attic. He was a ten-and-a-half-pound bouncer at birth, and the difficult delivery took a devastating toll on his mother. Immediately she was rushed off to the hospital, as the birth had torn internal organs; and without repair she would have died.
Her hospital stay was lengthy, and for some time there was talk amongst family members that she would never return home, as the birth experience had forced her near to death. No one was left to care for Butch except his older siblings. His nine-year-old sister, Phyllis, took on the responsibility of mothering him as best a nine-year-old could. His father was working a job four hours away from home. It was wartime, and Stanley was doing the heating and air-conditioning for ships that were destined for the battle overseas. During the day, while Phyllis and the two other siblings were in school, a 16-year-old neighbor was Butch's babysitter.
When Renata was finally released from the hospital, Stanley took her to be with him while he worked in the shipyards. Occasionally they would come home for a few days, and little Butch became acquainted with his parents briefly, until they left again.
The world-famous British psychologist Dr. John Bowlby, with the help of a man named James Robertson, identified three stages of separation response amongst children:
Protest to the mother figure for re-attachment (related to separation anxiety). This is when the child cries, screams, rattles the crib sides, jumps up and down, repeatedly calls "Mommy." This demonstrates the child's anger at being left behind and the attempt to get the mother to return for him. Finally when the cries do not gain the desired response, the child will go to Stage 2.
Despair and pain at the loss of the mother figure despite repeated protests for re-establishment for relationship (related to grief and mourning). During this period the child pouts, whimpers quietly,